2020 Kaedrin Movie Awards: The Arbitrary Awards

The 2020 Kaedrin Movie Award Winners were announced last week. The idea is to recognize aspects of films that aren’t reflected in more traditional awards or other praise like a Top 10 list. However, any awards system will fail to capture all the nuances and complexity available; hence the Arbitrary Awards, an opportunity to commend movies that are weird or flawed in ways that don’t conform to normal standards. A few of these “awards” have become an annual tradition, but most are just, well, arbitrary. These are always fun, but in a year as weird as 2020, they are also necessary. Previous Arbitrary Awards: [2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012 | 2011 | 2010 | 2009 | 2008 | 2007 | 2006]

The “You know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else” Award for Worst Dialogue: Tenet. Look, I really love this movie and it will most likely find a spot on my top 10… but it has the absolute worst howler of the year. Upon discovering that her husband’s plan will kill everyone on the planet, the character of Kat feels compelled to inform us that this is “Including my son!!” Elizabeth Debicki is a good actress, but no one could deliver that line in a way that would not result in at least a snort from the audience. The rest of the dialogue in the film isn’t particularly noteworthy either way, though it does seem like Nolan is trolling people a bit for complaining about all the exposition in Inception (and thus we get the “just feel it” line here). And yet, the “Including my son!!” line is just so bad that it wins this award all by itself. (There are probably movies that overall have worse dialogue, but it’s the extreme contrast here that just sinks it – how can a movie this carefully constructed and well thought out include such a terrible line?)

The Proximity to Jason Vorhees Award for Heroic Stupidity: Save Yourselves! Of course, that’s kinda the point of the movie. However, just because a movie is self aware and pits two know-nothing hipsters against a Critters-like alien invasion doesn’t mean it’s enjoyable. It feels more sad than funny. Again, that’s kinda the point of the movie, but still, I couldn’t get past how stupid these two were.

The Garth Marenghi “I know writers who use subtext, and they’re all cowards” Award for Achievement in Didacticism: Bacurau. I go back and forth on this movie in general, but it is unquestionably a blunt commentary. Again, not sure how to take that. On the one hand, I don’t usually like that approach… on the other, you have to admire the brazenness. I have a feeling this is going to become a recurring Arbitrary Awards category (like the previous two).

The “Weiner” Award for Unparalleled Access to Documentary Subjects: The Painter and the Thief. It’s a rather amazing story, and the documentary covers a very long period of time. That the thief agreed to be a subject for the painter in the first place is pretty amazing. The documentary footage is just icing on the cake at that point. Certainly not as amazing as this award’s namesake, but still pretty good… Honorable mention to Tread, which certainly had a wealth of audio to pull from, but mostly because the subject thoughtfully left it for people to discover.

The Beer Baron “To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems” Award For Contemplating Man’s Relationship With Alcohol: Another Round. There are times when I think this movie nearly endorsed alcoholism, but it clearly backs away from that by depicting some rather severe consequences while still retaining the idea that alcohol itself can be a fine thing in moderation.

Another Round

Best Action-Packed Long Take of the Year: Extraction. The movie clearly hews to the Netflix mold of generally bland storytelling, but there is one action sequence that is portrayed as a single long take that is very well executed.

Achievement in the Field of Gratuitous Violence: Possessor. Perhaps an unconventional pick, as it’s not like this is wall to wall violence, but when it goes there, it goes hard. The violence is absolutely gruesome here, and hard to watch. A more conventional pick would be VFW, which isn’t exactly cartoonish violence, but not as affecting as Possessor.

Best Motion Picture Score: Soul by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross with Original Jazz Compositions by John Batiste. Around 30 years ago, Trent Reznor was writing songs about fist fucking and commissioning music videos that bordered on snuff films. Now, he’s composing movie soundtracks for G-rated Disney/Pixar fare… and it’s amazing. Reznor and Ross effortlessly transition between Batiste’s jazzy compositions and the more whimsical numbers reserved for the afterlife. It also demonstrates the protagonist Joe’s love of music and the inspiration it can provide. Honorably mention to Carpenter Brut’s synthy score on Blood Machines, a movie that is otherwise mostly awful. Do yourself a favor and skip the movie, but look up the score. It’s great.

Award for Pandemic Creativity: Host. Most of the stuff produced whilst in lockdown during the pandemic has been painfully bad, but this short found footage horror jam was very well executed. A bit derivative, for sure, but entertaining and spooky.

Best Faked Death Sequence: The Air Conditioner in Dick Johnson Is Dead. This is a very strange film, a little messy at times, but the concept at its core is an eye-opening one. A documentary filmmaker works with her aging father to stage a bunch of fake death scenes, perhaps as a way to cope with the coming grief of his inevitable passing. It’s an interesting, if a bit indulgent, conceit. It gets a bit messy when other things develop, but it’s all worth checking out if you’re in an existential mood.

The Irishman De-Aging Was Terrible Award for Best Flashback Alternative: Da 5 Bloods. I wonder if Spike Lee tried to convince Netflix that de-aging his cast for the Vietnam sequences was worthwhile… In any case, I’m glad he didn’t get that de-aging money, because the alternative he devised – just using the actors, unchanged – is far more effective.

Best Badass/Villain That Didn’t Get Nominated Because I Hadn’t Seen the Film Yet: Han, played by Hae-soo Park in Time to Hunt. I caught up with this post-apocalyptic heist flick a few days ago, and it’s a neat little flick, if a bit derivative. Han is the character that is hunting down our protagonists after the heist, and he’s pretty darned badass. He wouldn’t have won the category, but if I’d seen the movie before the nominations came out, he would have garnered a nom.

Best Badass/Hero (non-Human Edition): My Octopus Teacher. What a neat little film. It’s a little stilted, but the octopus at its heart makes for a great subject for a documentary.

So there you have it, another bout of Arbitrary Awards. Stay tuned for the traditional Top 10 list (with honorable mentions and the coveted Quantum Jury Prize), which will probably be up in two weeks (though maybe I’ll have a productive week and get it down by next Sunday, who knows?)

Vintage Science Fiction Month: The Lincoln Hunters

Vintage Science Fiction Month is the brainchild of the Little Red Reviewer. The objective: Read and discuss “older than I am” Science Fiction in the month of January.

In The Lincoln Hunters, time travel exists for people 700 years in the future, but it is primarily used for historical information gathering purposes and museum-like desires to preserve same. Ben Steward is a Character; basically a time-traveling agent who acts as if he’s a member of the time-period he’s visiting so as to facilitate whatever history-recording task he may have. His latest mission: attend and record Abraham Lincoln’s famous Lost Speech, delivered at the Anti-Nebraska State Convention in Bloomington, Illinois on May 29, 1856.

The Lincoln Hunters book cover

On his first scouting mission, the time travel engineers overshoot their target and send him to the day after the event he’s trying to capture (rather than the day before). As such, he’s actually scouting in the aftermath of his mission. This has all sorts of implications, but from a storytelling perspective, it sets the stakes rather effectively. Steward is recognized by certain personages, he finds evidence of a snafu with the mission, and thanks to the (admittedly vague) rules of time travel, his next trip to the past (with a team of other Characters set to record Lincoln’s speech) is now time-bound because the same person cannot inhabit the same time at the, uh, same time.

It’s an effective setup, and author Wilson Tucker mostly plays it as a straight adventure story with some SF complications. Alas, this does represent a bit of a lost opportunity, as there’s a lot of thematic potential here that goes unexplored. For that matter, even the time travel mechanics are a little on the vague side. There is, of course, plenty of info-dumping up front, such as this bit explaining why Characters are taught the history leading up to their arrival, but not anything after:

“…the abstract ceased abruptly as near as possible to the target date itself. That was standard operating procedure designed to protect the Character and the assignment. It would not do for a man in the field to know the events of coming weeks or even years – his tongue might slip. To retain his value as a Character, he must be as wise, and as ignorant as the local people around him.”

The Lincoln Hunters (page 30)

However, as the story progresses, the exploration of time-travel mechanics gets left behind, instead relying on more vague assertions that something bad will happen if they don’t make it back home in time, follow certain other strict rules, etc… All well and good for the story and pacing, but it might leave something to be desired from a rigor standpoint.

There are plenty of fun little historical asides to be had, of course, such as this one:

“… He left a short time ago, to record a New Year’s Eve celebration in the year 2000, O.N. A place called Times Square. The client wishes to determine whether the century began with 2000, or 2001.”

The Lincoln Hunters (page 23)

Remember the pedants insisting that the century didn’t really start until 2001? It’s funny that Tucker anticipated that debate 40+ years earlier. Another fun bit of trivia is that one of the characters, Bobby Bloch, is actually named after Robert Bloch, a friend of Tucker’s and a fellow author who was about to become famous for writing a little novel called Psycho. This practice of including a friend’s name in your text as an in-joke is actually called Tuckerization, named after Tucker himself. But I digress…

It’s also worth noting that Lincoln’s Lost Speech is a real and seemingly pivotal event. We really don’t know the exact contents of the speech, so it would be an enticing destination for future historians. What we do know is that it sits at the fulcrum of several key historical events: the dissolution of the Whig party, the formation of the Republican party, Lincoln’s ascendency to the presidency, and eventually the Civil War itself. Tucker embeds lots of other real historical figures into the story as well, even including more obscure people like Owen Lovejoy (who Steward seems to have run afoul of in his, uh, future trip to the past).

Lincoln’s lost speech and the themes it presumably emphasized stand in stark contrast to the future that Tucker presents, but the comparison is mostly left as an exercise for the reader. The future appears to be very regimented and even includes references to things like “labor camps”, which seems like a ripe target for a more extended exploration of the analogy between Lincoln’s time and the future. Alas, like time-travel itself, this mostly takes a back seat to what essentially amounts to an adventure story. It’s there and I certainly managed to connect the dots, but Tucker could have probably squeezed more juice out of this premise without sacrificing much in the way of pacing or excitement.

For its part, the adventure plot is reasonably well done. Tucker sets up a few things during the scouting mission that come to fruition in the mission proper, and there’s always something satisfying about puzzle pieces coming together in that way. That said, it’s not a particularly complicated puzzle, and the ultimate ending leaves something to be desired. You might get some small hits of that vaunted “sense of wonder” that makes SF so fun, but it’s not going to blow you away either.

The Lincoln Hunters is a fun little time travel story. Short and sweet, it doesn’t have much explicit depth, but it kept me reasonably entertained for its short (less than 200 page) length. I can’t say as though it ranks among my favorite time-travel stories, but it has its moments, and folks familiar with the time-period might get an extra kick out of it. As such, it is an interesting exhibit in the “Science Fiction geeks often turn into history buffs” wing of the genre.

2020 Kaedrin Movie Award Winners

The nominations for the 2020 Kaedrin Movie Awards were announced last week. The Vegas odds-makers, starved for movie-related action due to the delay of the Academy Awards, have been chomping at the bit ever since. Next week, I’ll announce the winners of some more goofy, freeform categories that we call the Arbitrary Awards, and not long after that, I’ll post my top 10 of 2020. Alrighty then, that’s enough preamble, let’s get to the Kaedrin Movie Award winners. And the KMA goes to:

Best Villain/Badass: Nix, played by Samara Weaving in Guns Akimbo. A sorta cheat, to be sure, because while undoubtedly a badass and a joy to watch onscreen, her villainy is a bit suspect (trying to avoid spoilers here). Still, I suppose the badassery was enough to overcome the villainy and Samara Weaving is a Kaedrin fave, so here we are (plus: putting her in the hero/badass category is fraught with similar issues).

Samara Weaving in Guns Akimbo

Funnily enough, another nominee (Saju, played by Randeep Hooda in Extraction) has the same sorta relatable villainy problem (again, trying to avoid spoilers). Anyway, while I like a good deal of the other nominees, none could really overcome Weaving’s performance. Runner up would probably be Skinny Man, played by Walton Goggins in Fatman. Goggins isn’t exactly treading new ground, but he’s good at this sort of thing and I enjoyed his performance quite a bit. I’ll also give a shoutout to Anne Hathaway in The Witches, who is having a lot of fun in a middling movie.

Best Hero/Badass: Crystal, played by Betty Gilpin in The Hunt. This movie became a political football, which is weird to me because it’s much more about moderate, politically tribeless people beset on all sides by partisan maniacs bent on isolation and destruction. Betty Gilpin’s Crystal is caught up in a bizarre political vendetta wherein rich liberals hunt conservatives for sport, but it’s not really about left and right, but rather the ever widening partisan gap and extremism. It’s another in a long line of spins on Richard Connell’s infamous story, “The Most Dangerous Game”, where the hunted turns the table on the hunter, and Gilpin does a great job in the role.

Betty Gilpin in The Hunt

Runners up include Charlize Theron in The Old Guard, who is always great (and a former Kaedrin Movie Ward winner of hero/badass) and Colin Farrell in The Gentlemen (which I seemed to like a lot more than other folk, and while I zeroed in on Farrell, there’s plenty of badassery to go around in that movie…

Best Comedic Performance: Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti in Palm Springs (tie). The biggest problem with this award is that so many comedies rely on an ensemble, so while there are certainly singular performances that win this award (which justifies the existence of the award in the first place), it’s often one person representing the movie as a whole. In this case, I opted to just choose the two leads, and chalk it up to this being a weird year. This movie came out in middle of lockdown and provided some much needed laughs, and a big part of that is the performances (and chemistry between) Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti. Second place in the voting was Maria Bakalova in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, a movie I didn’t much care for, but her performance is certainly worth singling out. I also quite enjoyed Vince Vaughn in Freaky and Seth Rogen in An American Pickle, both doing good work. Also just a quick shoutout to Mary Elizabeth Winstead in Birds of Prey, who was very funny (and probably could have qualified for best badass too), though that’s a small part of the movie…

Breakthrough Performance: Van Veronica Ngo in Da 5 Bloods and The Old Guard. I guess it’s just a weird year all around. It’s really hard to call these breakthrough performances because they’re so small, but a key criteria here is that I see someone in a movie and immediately check IMDB to see what else she’s been in. I really do suspect that she will breakout in the next few years, and she could be a top tier action star if given the opportunity (see also: Furie). Some other good performances listed amongst the nominees, but few true standouts, hence the weirdness of the winner.

Most Visually Stunning: The Vast of Night. Another tricky award without an obvious winner, I gave it to this one for its visual inventiveness and propulsion. This wasn’t a huge budget extravaganza, but it still managed some breathtaking camera movements and long takes, and it also knows when to dial it back to just a black screen and audio. The obvious alternate choice was Tenet, but as we’re about to see, it’ll be recognized in other ways. Blood Machines is certainly a visual feast for the eyes, but wow does the story just sink that flick (the special effects crew and Carpenter Brut deserve better). Bacurau features some gorgeous photography and landscapes, and David Fincher apes the old-school Hollywood look well in Mank. Still, I’m glad I could get The Vast of Night some love, and it certainly deserves it.

Best Sci-Fi or Horror Film: The Wolf of Snow Hollow. A divisive choice for sure. On paper, this is one of those movies that’s too funny to be scary, but too creepy to be funny, and too silly to be a serious drama. And yet it manages to be all of those things in a more-than-the-sum-of-its-parts kinda way. I loved it, but can’t fault anyone for not getting on its wavelength.

The Wolf of Snow Hollow

The aforementioned The Vast of Night is certainly a contender here too, and not to give anything away, but both will be showing up on my top 10, so there’s that. The Invisible Man is another success from Leigh Whannell and worthy of attention for sure. Freaky and Satanic Panic were both really fun horror comedies that deserve more love too. Tenet certainly has the chops for this award too. In the end, I’m giving it to Snow Hollow because of its strange dedication to cross-genre flare.

Best Sequel/Reboot/Remake: The Invisible Man. Leigh Whannell strikes again, this time taking on a classic Universal monster movie and updating it from both a technology and thematic perspective. Great performances and amazing use of negative space taking full advantage of the invisibility concept. It’s unusual that a remake/reboot like this connects with me, as I usually come away just loving the original that much more. Here it’s a situation where both movies are great, just for different reasons. Bill & Ted Face the Music was also a big surprise and a whole bucket of fun just when we needed it. Many sequels/reboots/remakes were obviously delayed last year, so the pickings were slim, but these two films are certainly worthy, even in a normal year.

Biggest Disappointment: Wonder Woman 1984. There’s actually a lot to like about WW84 and I actually quite enjoyed the first hour or so of the movie, but even that felt a bit messy and then it went off the rails and never really recovered. There were certainly worse movies last year, but the first Wonder Woman was so good and showed so much promise that I really had high hopes for WW84. The second film in a superhero franchise is often better than the first… alas, WW84 joins Iron Man 2 in the disappointing sequel department. One can still hold out hope for WW3 though. The general lack of blockbuster releases and sequels last year also puts a damper on this category, though there were still a few big disappointments. That said, it’s not like I was expecting much out of Scoob!, so the it doesn’t register as much on the Plus/Minus Scale.

Best Action Sequences: Tenet. I keep feeling like there should be a better, less-obvious candidate for this award and it’s true that I haven’t gotten to much in the way of martial arts movies this year, but Tenet certainly has tons of cool, large-scale action going on. There’s some Bond-like setpieces and the whole temporal pincer movement and it’s all very impressive. Perhaps this category is also impacted by a lack of blockbuster releases in 2020. The other nominees certainly have decent action, but Netflix fare like Extraction and The Old Guard, while entertaining and diverting enough, can’t really compete with Christopher Nolan’s more ambitious staging.

Best Plot Twist/Surprise: Tenet. Look, don’t ask me to explain it in great detail, but once the movie starts to take shape and you realize what’s happening… it just gave me that sense of wonder jolt that I love so much. Sure, some of the intricate plotting and details might require some additional noodling, but it’s easy enough to discern that shape of what’s happening, and the cascade of revelations in the film’s second half is worth digging into. The other nominees include some twisty crime thrillers and some genre exercises, but nothing quite surprised me like Tenet.

Best High Concept Film: Freaky. I feel like this is one of those films that would have been a sneaky box office success. Instead, it sorta faded into VOD for a week and didn’t get much play. And sure, it’s not exactly breakthrough stuff, but as body-swap horror-comedies go, it’s pretty great and a ton of fun. The idea of a “high concept” film is pretty nebulous to start with, but this year didn’t exactly rock the boat in this respect either. Most of the other nominees are worth checking out though, and are either doing something new and weird, or they’re putting a new spin on an old trope.

2020’s 2019 Movie of the Year: Doctor Sleep. Mike Flanagan’s woozy sequel to The Shining manages to find a line between servicing the book and the very different Kubrick adaptation. Some might see that as trying to have your cake and eat it to, but it worked well enough for me. Sure, I don’t think it would displace any of my top 10 picks from last year (none of the nominees would), but I’m really glad I caught up with it. Portrait of a Lady on Fire was the critical darling of the year and having seen it, I can see why it garnered praise and I like some bits a lot, but if you had asked me to create a parody of a French art house film, it would have looked something like that movie. That’s probably more of a me problem than anything else, but still. The other nominees are mostly solid genre exercises that are worth catching up with if you’re a fan of those genres. But I do want to single out I See You, which seems like a criminally underseen movie. What starts as a sorta rote, dour serial killer thriller takes a fascinating turn about halfway through that makes the whole exercise worthwhile. It’s worth catching up with!

Congrats to all the Kaedrin Movie Award winners in this strange year. Stay tuned for the Arbitrary Awards, coming next week!

2020 Kaedrin Movie Awards

Welcome to the fifteenth annual Kaedrin Movie Awards! The idea is to recognize films for various achievements that don’t always reflect well on top 10 lists or traditional awards. There are lots of formal award categories and nominees listed below, but once those are announced, we’ll also leave some room for Arbitrary Awards that are more goofy and freeform. Finally, we’ll post a traditional top 10 list (usually sometime in early/mid-February). But first up is the awards! [Previous Installments here: 2006 | 2007 | 2008 | 2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2015 | 2016 | 2017 | 2018 | 2019]

Standard disclaimers apply: It must be a 2020 movie (with the one caveat that some 2019 films were not accessible until 2020 and are thus eligible under fiat) and I obviously have to have seen the movie. As of this writing, I have seen 80 films that could be considered a 2020 release. This is significantly less than previous years and probably most critics, but probably more than your average moviegoer and enough to populate these awards.

It’s tempting to blame this entirely on the pandemic, but the truth is that there’s been a lot of small films available, I just didn’t do as well seeking them out until it was pretty late in the year. I’m still working through some things for sure, but delaying any more than normal seems ill-advised (I’m already posting this a couple weeks after most folks do their year end jamboree). The show must go on, and so here goes:

Best Villain/Badass
An interesting year for villainy with a few pretty solid choices, but to my mind, not a real standout. Complicating matters are two villains who turn out to be kinda/sorta not villains. Or at least more sympathetic than you’d usually expect out of a villain. In accordance with tradition, my picks in this category are limited to individuals, not groups (i.e. no vampires or zombies as a general menace, etc…) or ideas.

Best Hero/Badass
A solid year for heroism, and despite the number of lopsided movies (i.e. where you don’t have both hero and villain roles well filled), there’s actually something like parity between the Hero/Villain lists. Again limited to individuals and not groups.

  • Coach, played by Colin Farrell in The Gentlemen
  • Harley Quinn, played by Margot Robbie in Birds of Prey
  • Fred, played by Stephen Lang in VFW
  • Crystal, played by Betty Gilpin in The Hunt
  • Tyler Rake, played by Chris Hemsworth in Extraction
  • Andy, played by Charlize Theron in The Old Guard
  • Kyle, played by Liam Hemsworth in Arkansas
  • Chris, played by Mel Gibson in Fatman
  • Diana Prince / Wonder Woman, played by Gal Gadot in Wonder Woman 1984
  • The Protagonist, played by John David Washington in Tenet

Best Comedic Performance
This is sometimes a difficult category to populate due to the prevalence of ensembles in comedy movies (this year being no exception). I also noticed a distinct bias towards smaller side roles or cameos this year, which is neat, but makes it hard to pick those roles as a winner.

Breakthrough Performance
This used to be a category more centered around my personal evaluation of a given actor (rather than a more general industry breakthrough), but it’s trended more towards the youngsters breaking through as time has gone on (this year, we get a minor resurgence in relatively well established actors turning my head for the first time).

Most Visually Stunning
Sometimes even bad movies can look really great… A middling year for this sort of thing, perhaps leaning towards more sober, well-photographed beauty than flashy spectacle, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Blood Machines, a nominee for Most Visually Stunning category

Best Sci-Fi or Horror Film
It’s always nice to throw some love to genres that don’t normally get a lot of recognition in end-of-the-year lists. As an avid SF fan, it’s sad that the genre usually has to be combined with Horror in order to come up with a well rounded set of nominees. This year, though, I probably could have created two modestly populated categories if I wanted, as there were lots of good options in both genres.

Best Sequel/Reboot/Remake
Always an awkward category to populate, especially given my normal feeling on this sort of thing. This year complicates matters a bit because many sequels/reboots/remakes were delayed due to a goddamn plague, but there were still a few decent options.

Bill & Ted Face the Music nominated for best sequel

Biggest Disappointment
A category often dominated by sequels and reboots, but the relative lack of big-ticket franchise entries this year sees a downtick in this category… Some original films are picking up the slack. I should note at this point that sometimes I actually enjoy these movies… but my expectations were just too high when I saw them. Related reading: Joe Posnanski’s Plus-Minus Scale (these movies scored especially poor on that scale).

Best Action Sequence
This award isn’t for individual action sequences, but rather an overall estimation of each film, and there’s a decent enough range here, but I suspect the pandemic put the brakes on some of these too.

Best Plot Twist/Surprise
I suppose even listing that there is a twist is a bit of a spoiler, so I guess we’ll just have to risk it.

Best High Concept Film
A bit of a nebulous concept for this one, but I think the category fills out nicely, with a couple of standouts.

2020’s 2019 Movie of the Year
This is a weird category. Once I get past my top 10, I rarely tackle challenging material from the previous year, though I do sometimes find a few diamonds in the rough. This category emerged from one frustrating year in which I saw two movies far too late for the top 10, so I created this award to recognize them. Since then, the nominees are pretty lackluster (and indeed, the amount of films I watch that qualify are usually pretty low to start with). The last couple of years, for whatever reason, I’ve managed to see more things that would qualify for this than usual. None that I think would override my top 10 from last year, but it’s always nice when this category fills up.

So there you have it! Another set of nominations for the Kaedrin Movie Awards, well ahead of the Oscars, which have been delayed due to the Pandemic. This means that all the Kaedrin Movie Awards, including Arbitrary Awards and a Top 10 will most likely be posted before the Oscar nominations even come out, which will be a first (we’re usually well correlated, with only a week or so’s difference), though in true Kaedrin fashion, we’re still well after everyone else in the world has finished their 2020 recaps.

Vintage Science Fiction Month: Worlds of the Imperium

Vintage Science Fiction Month is the brainchild of the Little Red Reviewer. The objective: Read and discuss “older than I am” Science Fiction in the month of January.

Keith Laumer is most famous for his series about the beleaguered diplomat Retief, which I think are a lot of fun, but he has a few other series that are well regarded too. Worlds of the Imperium is the first in a series of stories about parallel worlds explored by the Imperium, a government on one such alternate earth.

Worlds of the Imperium book cover

This first installment begins with the kidnapping of one Brion Bayard, an American diplomat visiting Stockholm. Laumer has a thing for diplomat protagonists, having served in the US Foreign Service himself. They say write what you know, so like Sturgeon and bulldozers, Laumer wrote about diplomats. Anyway, Bayard is whisked away in a strange vehicle and subjected to questioning about rudimentary history. As it turns out, he’s been kidnapped by the Imperium, a government from an alternate timeline that has developed a method of travel to alternate universes.

Thus far, they’ve only found two that were inhabitable (in others, earth had destroyed itself or never developed civilization in the first place). One is Bayard’s home (which appears to be our timeline), and the other features an earth ruled by a vicious dictator who has declared war on the Imperium. That dictator’s name happens to be… Brion Bayard. Can the Imperium convince Bayard to travel to the third timeline, impersonate the dictator, and halt the war? Spoiler alert: they can. But can Bayard succeed? That’s the rub.

The setup is all typical exposition-heavy SF info-dumping, but once the story proper gets going, it turns into more of a twisty espionage thriller. It helps that the info-dumping and alternate reality concept are pretty well done (if perhaps a bit elementary by today’s standards, I’m guessing it was more remarkable in its time). It’s very short and snappy, not wasting much time moving from one bit to the next, so even the info-dumps aren’t a real strain.

This might leave you wanting more in terms of characterization though, as the only person we really get to know at all is Bayard himself. He’s got a sharp and cynical edge to him that is well suited to his mission, but other aspects are left unexplored. There’s a perfunctory romantic angle that is simply tacked on and it feels like Bayard gets over his kidnapping and the implied permanent exile from his home a little too easily (did he have no attachments at home? No family? Friends?) Wait, I just realized that the government of the Imperium is based in Stockholm and Bayard is bonding with his kidnappers… this is surely not a coincidence. Anyways, in general, a lack of characterization doesn’t bother me much, so long as you make up for it with something else, which Laumer certainly manages.

It’s a fun, pulpy espionage thriller with a few interesting twists and turns. It might not get you thinking grand thoughts about the nature of the universe (though I suppose the SFnal concepts are interesting enough and well thought out, especially for its time), but it will keep you thoroughly entertained for the few hours it takes to read. If you’re looking to introduce yourself to Laumer, though, I’d recommend picking up the Retief! collection (there’s that exclamation point in the title again, something we don’t see much these days – maybe modern SF would be more fun if people wrote more stories that warranted a title with an exclamation point) before this. They’re entertaining stories too, and they also more prominently feature Laumer’s over-the-top sense of humor. Still, I wouldn’t mind visiting the Imperium again at some point, which is usually a good sign.

Vintage Science Fiction Month: Killdozer!

Vintage Science Fiction Month is the brainchild of the Little Red Reviewer. The objective: Read and discuss “older than I am” Science Fiction in the month of January.

Say it with me: Killdozer! Don’t forget the exclamation point. It’s an evocative name for a story. Just filled with schlocky potential. Depending on your point of view, it may be a tad misleading though. I mean, don’t get me wrong – it really is a story about an ancient energy being that possesses a bulldozer and goes on a rampage. It’s like a mashup of SF and slasher film, with the killer being a giant damn bulldozer.

I don’t want to spend too much time on the slasher comparison because, well, the SF part is more interesting. But I do have an inexplicable love of slashers, so really quickly: there’s a sense of a historical tragedy of the past being revisited upon the present (the energy being was part of an ancient war, got buried in some ancient island temple that gets opened up by a construction crew, at which point the war is rekindled). The killer is wearing a mask of sorts (shaped like a bulldozer – a stretch, but work with me here). The killer stalks its unsuspecting prey, picking them off one by one, sometimes using creative methods of murder. The only things that’re really missing are a holiday (not strictly necessary) and a final girl (we have to settle for a final boy, er, final middle-aged-dude, which is a bit of a bummer.)

Well maybe I should stay on this track a bit. In preparation for last year’s Vintage SF Month, I wrote a post on the intersection of Horror and Science Fiction. I’ll let that post speak for itself, but the key distinction is thus:

While both genres often portray spine-tingling confrontations with a terrifying unknown, the chief difference between them is not the events depicted, but how the response to those events is characterized. The horror or gothic response is generally one of acceptance and surrender, while science fiction’s reaction is one of rational curiosity. To drastically simplify the sitation: horror thrives in a lack of understanding while science fiction sees such threats as a challenge to be overcome, a problem to be solved. These are generalizations, of course, and there are certainly exceptions and cross-genre exercises that straddle the line.

“Killdozer!” is a good example of such things. So far, I’ve leaned into the horror and action genre to describe the story, but the actual exercise of reading the story is tempered by a very Science Fictional approach. Author Theodore Sturgeon spends an inordinate amount of time detailing the minutiae of bulldozer technology and operations. And when I say “minutiae”, I mean it. Some examples:

The hoist and swing frictions and the brake linings had heated and dried themselves of the night’s condensation moisture, and she answered the controls in a way that delighted the operator in him. … Tom snapped the hoist lever back hard, and the bucket rose, letting the tractor run underneath. Tom punched the bucket trip, and the great steel jaw opened, cascading marl down on the broken hood. …

… Tom pushed the swing gear control down and pulled up on the travel. The clutches involved were jaw clutches, not frictions, so that he had to throttle down on an idle before he could make the castellations mesh.

Pages 156-157, The Complete Stories of Theodore Sturgeon: Volume III: Killdozer!

There’s much more of that talk throughout the story. Sturgeon had a 4-F classification during WWII due to health issues, but he still contributed to the war effort, mainly by working on construction of airfields in the tropics. He became quite adept and knowledgeable of bulldozers during this period. In terms of his writing, this was an unproductive period for him, with “Killdozer!” being written right smack in the middle of several years of writers’ block (other things on his mind at the time, I guess). Sturgeon’s expertise certainly shows throughout the story, possibly to its detriment. I say “possibly” because it’s the sort of thing that really does give the story an interesting and distinct tone, especially when you consider the sensationalism involved in the premise.

I can see this sort of attention to detail turning off casual readers, and it certainly impacts pacing. However, it really does speak to the Science Fiction mindset. This is not a story where our heroes cower in fear of the seemingly haunted bulldozer. They brainstorm, they speculate, they devise clever strategies for avoiding, combatting, and eventually defeating the dozer and its mysterious driving force. This quote is the sort of thing you don’t see in much horror fiction (at least, not from people who survive!):

He was not the type of man who, when faced with something beyond his understanding, would begin to doubt his own sanity. His was a dogged insistence that what he saw and sensed was what had actually happened. In him was none of the fainting fear of madness that another, more sensitive, man might feel.

Page 131, The Complete Stories of Theodore Sturgeon: Volume III: Killdozer!

For its part, the energy being that possesses the dozer also demonstrates intelligence, devising its own ingenious solutions to the attacks our protagonists throw its way. It’s a rational opponent, but one that can be defeated, so long as you don’t lose your own head.

Speaking of which, the group of humans has its own interesting dynamics at work. This is not a long story, but Sturgeon does make an effort to get to know each member of the team. Characters include a young Puerto Rican who doesn’t have much formal training, but does have experience as a dozer operator. Another character is older and perhaps too straightforward for his own good, but has wisdom born of experience. The most notable, though, is a rabble-rouser who has a penchant for needless back-stabbing office politics and racism (since this has been a week in which such real-world political strife has spilled over to embarrassing proportions, it’s interesting to see a character like this portrayed as a sorta secondary villain.)

It’s a fascinating story, if not one that is perhaps suited to beginners. It’s certainly not Sturgeon’s best work, but I do enjoy the contrasts it presents. There was also a TV movie made in the 70s that is apparently worth seeking out (though I feel certain that the SFnal elements would be toned down in such an adaptation). Originally published in Astounding magazine (John Campbell was a big booster of young Sturgeon), this story has appeared in all sorts of collections over the years (and even won a Retro Hugo last year), but I read it as part of The Complete Stories of Theodore Sturgeon: Volume III: Killdozer!

The collection includes some pre-war and post-war Sturgeon stories, and it’s actually still somewhat early in his career. You can see a marked difference between the older and newer stories, with Sturgeon’s emphasis on psychological motivations and therapy emerging in the latter stories. Many of the tales portray a similar Science Fictional take on a Horror or Fantasy premise, with clever heroes that solve problems using rational problem solving.

“Killdozer!” is the standout story, but other prominent entries include “Mewhu’s Jet”, which is often seen as a precursor to Spielberg’s E.T. (though I’m not sure if that has been strictly confirmed, it makes sense), and “Memorial”, an early recognition of the danger of atomic power/bombs (Sturgeon and SF writers in general seemed to be ahead of the curve on this sort of thing). I also enjoyed stories like “Blabbermouth”, “The Chromium Helmet”, and honestly, most of the stories were worthwhile, even if Sturgeon would get better as time went on. I might recommend some of Sturgeon’s other works before this, but it’s a decent collection of stories and it showcases how a writer’s early career can evolve over time.

2020 in Books

We’ve finally reached the end of 2020 and, much as we might not want to, it’s always a bit natural to take step back and examine where we are and what we’ve done. In this case, I’m focusing on one of the brighter spots of 2020, which was my year in books. I was very fortunate to have a job that easily transitioned to work-from-home, but even then, it’s obvious that the pandemic had a large impact on my reading habits.

I keep track of my reading at Goodreads (we should be friends there), and they have a bunch of fancy statistical visualization tools that give a nice overview of my reading habits over time, especially now that I’ve been logging books there for over a decade.


I read 69 books in 2020. Nice.

Number of Books Read in 2020 (and previous years)

You can see the full list on Goodreads. This basically blows all previous years away and is an obvious consequence of spending more time at home due to pandemic lockdowns &c. While there was the usual sprinkling of shorter-than-novel fiction throughout the year, I will note that it was actually less than usual since I finally gave up on Hugo short stories this year. The list also includes a pretty good proportion of audio books, probably more than normal since I was taking more walks (trying to get some movement into my life since sitting at my computer all day is not great), though also driving less, so maybe it was a wash? Anyway, in the past, large increases of quantity generally coincided with less pages read… but not really this year.

Average pages read was 343, just a hair off from last year’s 345 and not that far off the record set in 2013 (which was 356, but that’s over only 31 books). And in absolute terms, overall pages in 2020 still far exceeded all other years in recorded history.

Number of pages read in 2020 (and previous years)

As usual, you have to acknowledge the inherent variability in page numbers, but even doing so, it was a pretty productive year in reading.

The Extremes

Interesting note here: three of these four extremes are non-fiction (and it makes sense that the “shortest book” wouldn’t be non-fiction because I don’t really track short non-fiction that I read, which does exist in terms of long-form journalism). I’ll also note that The Hollywood Economist, while not perfect, is fascinating reading for anyone who wants to know how movies are financed. Er, were financed. I suspect almost all of it is now in tremendous flux due to pandemic woes, but still. The book is worth reading just to see how things work. The devil is in the details, and there are a lot of details here that rarely come up in online film discussion.

Assorted Observations

At this point, I’d normally show the graph of books by publication date… but I made the mistake of reading Twelfth Night, by Shakespeare this year. It was published in 1601, which has net effect of ruining the default Goodreads graph. I’ll try to make some ad-hoc observations below.

  • 19 Non-Fiction books in 2020, a significant improvement over the last few years, though not exactly a huge improvement in proportional terms (still, a 500 basis point increase, not bad at all).
  • Only 10 books written by women this year, which is abysmal. A decrease in absolute terms from last year, and a major decrease in proportionality. Of course, this wasn’t intentionally planned this way or anything, it just shook out like this.
  • Twelfth Night, or What You Will by William Shakespeare was the oldest book I read in 2020. Or in all of my Goodreads history, for that matter. To Marry Medusa, by Theodore Sturgeon was the second oldest, having been published in 1958.
  • Approximately 30 books were Science Fiction, which is proportionally down a bit from previous years, but still relatively consistent.
  • I didn’t really crunch the numbers, but my gut feeling is that I read more stuff from the 80s and 90s this year than in previous years, though there’s still an obvious recency bias, with lots of new books. Even with declining participation in the Hugos, I still seem to have that recency bias.

So there you have it, a pretty fabulous year in books. That said, I’ll appreciate when things start to return to normal. I love books and am a massive introvert, but even I’m starting to get a bit antsy. Also, while I love stats and tracking my habits, it might be worth taking a step back from Books (and Movies) this year? Or maybe not, but worth considering.

The Great Movie Catch-Up, 2020 Edition

Around this time of year, I usually make up a list of 2020 movie releases to catch-up on, but this year? The pandemic obviously had a huge impact on movies this year, in some cases pushing up releases and making them more accessible through streaming, in other cases pushing them back to next year. As of this moment, I’ve seen 66 movies that could be considered a 2020 release, which is significantly less than what I’d seen at this point last year. Is that because there’s less to see?

After a brief spin around the moviesphere, I observe that there are a lot of movies that I could catch-up with. Standard disclaimers apply: I consider some 2019 releases a 2020 release if it didn’t get released in the US until 2020. This list is not comprehensive. I probably won’t watch everything on this list. And so on. Let’s get to it:


Tenet – Christopher Nolan’s latest is an obvious must, and I guess I’m part of the problem that theaters are facing, because I never got off my arse to watch the thing in theaters. I don’t want to make this a referendum on theaters though, so I’ll just say that duh, yeah, I need to see this movie before I put together a 2020 movie recap/top 10.


Update: I’ve seen it! It’s great, just… don’t ask me to explain it. It’s certainly part of Nolan’s cinematic puzzle tradition, and everything seems to fit together… but I may need to watch it again. And again. (It’s worth noting that I actually do want to watch it again. And again. Which I think says something important.)

Wonder Woman 1984 – Another movie I’ve been looking forward to for a while. I really enjoyed the first movie and in a year that’s lacking in superhero flicks, this one kinda corners the market, right? Update: I have also seen this! It’s… not great. Or, at least, very disappointing. The thing that kept it afloat for me is the performances, innate charisma, and chemistry between all the stars. The first hour is decent, if a bit disjointed, but it’s not a solid foundation for the rest of the movie, which just continually devolves. I don’t know that it’s quite the disaster that some are portraying it as, and it’s eminently watchable, but it does have some troubling interpretations and whatnot, and it definitely just doesn’t fit. A big letdown from the first movie.

Soul – Pixar’s quality level has dipped a bit from its heyday, but I’ll always give a new release a look. This one is getting some good early buzz and it’s not a sequel, so I’m looking forward to it.

Hamilton – I guess I should finally watch this thing. It’s cultural dominance over the past few years is a bit of a turnoff, but I always appreciated the idea behind it, so I’ll most certainly have to catch up with it.

The King of Staten Island – I know what you’re thinking – is this really a blockbuster? Well, in 2020 it probably counts as such. I’m hit or miss on Judd Apatow’s directorial efforts and I don’t have much love for Pete Davidson, but I’m guessing this movie will at least be worth the watch…

Streaming Exclusives

On the Rocks – Sofia Coppola’s latest and a reunion with Bill Murray, the biggest thing holding me back from this is that it only appears to be available on Apple TV+, which I don’t have and dammit, how many streaming services do I need to subscribe to? This one alone might not get me to subscribe… but then…

Greyhound – Another Apple TV+ exclusive. It’s a Tom Hanks led WWII naval battle movie that seems like it’d be right up my alley, even if it has no real chance of channeling the C.S. Forester source material.

Let Them All Talk – Steven Soderbergh is always worth a watch. Even if he doesn’t seem to be working in the genre or mode that I tend to love from him. HBO Max exclusive.

The Devil All the Time – Netflix thriller that seems like it could be a step above the usual Netflix mediocrity, maybe?

My Octopus Teacher – Netflix documentary about a filmmaker’s relationship… with an octopus? Sounds like my preferred mode of documentary filmmaking.

Anything for Jackson – Shudder is one of the more underrated streaming service. So I’ll definitely make time for some of their exclusives, including this Satanist jam.

Independent and Art House

Possessor – Brandon Cronenberg is following in his father’s footsteps? This sounds great and for some reason, I just haven’t caught up with it yet. This will be rectified in the near future!

She Dies Tomorrow – Amy Seimetz’s tale of a contagious feeling that you’re going to die tomorrow sounds interesting enough.

First Cow – I guess I should watch this, as it’s at the top of nearly every critic’s list. Director Kelly Reichardt doesn’t usually work for me, but who knows, maybe I’ll be surprised.

Small Axe – Is it a movie? Is it a TV show? Is it a TV show that consists of episodes that are actually movies? Does it matter? Another critical darling from Steve McQueen, I guess I should watch at least a couple of these.

Another Round – Four teachers launch an experiment to see how their lives will be improved by a constant, low-level alcohol consumption. The perfect 2020 movie concept?

Miscellaneous, Genre, &c.

Alone – Sounds like a rock solid thriller about a woman escaping from her kidnapper. Looking forward to this one.

Archive – Small science fiction flick that sounds interesting enough. This has been on my radar for a while, not sure why I never got to it.

Ava – This Jessica Chastain action vehicle has been getting mixed reviews, but it sounds great on paper at least.

Save Yourselves! – Some Brooklyn hipsters go on vacation to escape their phones, only to realize that they missed an alien invasion or something. Sounds like fun…

The Pale Door – A horror western with train robbers and witches, what’s not to like?

Time to Hunt – Korean flick about a dystopian world and a heist or something, sounds interesting…

The Call – Another Korean movie, this one has a high concept serial killer thing going on that sounds like it could be good.

Bulbbul – Indian horror flick about a town plagued by mysterious deaths…

News of the World – Tom Hanks teams up with Paul Greengrass for a western? Sure, why not?

So there you have it, 25 movies that I am going to try and catch up with before doing the traditional year end movie traditions.

Link Dump

Ringing in the holiday season with a few interesting links from the depths of ye olde internets:

  • Death of the Author (& Beyond) – The notion that an author’s intent is unimportant to your interpretation of their work can make for an interesting discussion, but people generally take the concept much further. This guy just put a name on half of the poor takes we see on social media (I particularly like “Weekend at Bernie’s of the Author”)
  • Alien Hunters Discover Mysterious Signal from Proxima Centauri – I don’t know why, but I almost always click into these articles that are really trying to ride the “It’s probably not aliens, but it’s not not aliens yet either” line. As usual, when it comes to the existence of aliens, no news is actually good news because the Fermi Paradox has some terrifying implications.
  • Verifying that you’re not a robot – Well observed…
  • Pretending to Press Buttons on a Space Ship – People are really handling lockdown well (this is low-key impressive though).
  • Nickelback – Trying Not To Love You – Wait, so, Jason Alexander was in a Nickleback video where he plays a barista who gets into a competition with a fedora and ascot wearing version of himself? How was I not aware of this? Oh wow, it wasn’t that long ago? This is weird. Like, good weird? I don’t know? I’m so confused by this video. How did this happen?
  • Alienware – Three armed humans? (Honestly though, what were they thinking with that design?)

That’s all for now. Look, not every post can be as great as last week’s Christmas movie roundup…. so enjoy these links… Happy holidays folks!

Silent Night, Deadly Night

Two years ago, I watched all of the films in the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise. This post was started at that time, but for reasons beyond remembrance, I never posted about this absolutely insane series of movies. I probably missed the Christmas window and who wants to read about killer Santas in February? I mean, sure, I do and I’m betting a significant portion of the people reading this do, but there’s only about five of you, so that’s not saying much. Anyway, when I upgraded the blog earlier this year, the draft of this post is surfaced every time I bring up the WordPress dashboard, and this is the perfect time to cover the lunacy of the Silent Night, Deadly Night series. Buckle up, it’s gonna get weird.

Silent Night, Deadly Night – I covered the original during the Six Weeks of Halloween a little over a decade ago. I wasn’t particularly impressed back then, but I liked the Christmas setting and loved the grizzled old man that tells young Billy that “Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year!” After a decade of exploring other Santa slashers and some repeat viewings, I have to say that this movie has grown on me. I still can’t really claim it’s good, but as these movies go, it actually has some things on its mind. It’s not just controversy and sex and gore; it genuinely tries to explore things like repression and guilt. Lilyan Chauvin’s performance as Mother Superior drives the point home with a straight-faced intensity that contrasts the silly material in a way that can be offputting at first, but which I have come around to.

Silent Night, Deadly Night

Indeed, the whole film is a study in contrasts. The joyous nature of Christmas versus the nudity and violence of a slasher? It’s mean spirited but somehow also feels good-natured? Again, I can’t claim it’s great at that and the filmmakers were certainly well aware that they were working within an exploitation framework, but they were at least trying something. Also of note: an infamous Linnea Quigley performance. Small, but memorable. Look, if you’re still reading this, you’ve already seen this and know that the really weird stuff happens later in the series.

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 – I first watched this around the same time as the original, and was severely disappointed. It turns out that approximately 50% of this movie is just clips from the first film. Low-budget 80s sequels did stuff like this all the time, but this is excessive even by those standards. As the story goes, the producers actually wanted to stitch the entire sequel together with old footage. Director Lee Harry claims he was able to convince them to pony up some cash for new scenes. And that stuff is bonkers.

Eric Freeman in Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2: Garbage Day!
Garbage Day!

Eric Freeman gives an outlandish, truly unhinged performance, and the “Garbage Day!” sequence has rightly become a cult classic in its own right. As such, it has risen in my estimation over the years… but I’m still annoyed by the first half of the movie. Maybe it would work better if you hadn’t just watched the first movie? This is objectively bad in most respects, but it’s a sorta fascinating and wildly entertaining failure.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out! – This movie should be so much better than it actually is. I’m going to describe a bunch of stuff about this movie, and it’s going to sound awesome… but it is emphatically not so. Unlike the first two movies, whose inadequacies are somehow endearing, this one just plods limply to the finish line without anything of real interest. So here goes: The infamous “killer Santa Claus” Ricky Caldwell has miraculously been kept alive in a coma for six years by a mad scientist/doctor experimenting with ESP. Inevitably, he awakes from his coma and sets off to kill a young woman who has some psychic connection to him, leaving a trail of dead bodies in his wake.

Bill Moseley in Silent Night Deadly Night Part 3: Better Watch Out!

It’s directed by Monte Hellman! It stars Bill Moseley as Ricky! Both of those guys are great! Robert Culp shows up as a cop chasing Ricky! The character design of Ricky replaces the entire top of his head with a glass dome, revealing his brain! Hell, just writing this makes me want to revisit this. It can’t possibly be as bad as I remember, can it? And yet, I’m virtually certain it’s even worse than my memory of it. That I’ve, like, repressed how bad it is. The best thing I can say about it is that you might be able to watch this closely and analyze enough of it to figure out what NOT to do in a slasher movie.

Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 – At this point, the series basically abandons any pretense of being a sequel. This is one of those I can’t get this script made unless I pretend its a sequel to an existing franchise sorta jams. As such, there’s no connection whatsoever to the previous three movies. It’s about a reporter who stumbles upon a coven of witches that worship some sort of satanic bug larvae or somesuch. It does take place during Christmas, but it’s barely got any of that sort of atmosphere.

Clint Howard in Initiation: Silent Night Deadly Night 4

It’s actually all just an excuse to Screaming Mad George’s bizarre FX and concepts. As such, this movie gets really grody. Along the way, we’re treated to a quintessential Clint Howard performance as Ricky, the gross errand boy of the witches. So this isn’t really a sequel in anything but name, but it does bring the whole “interesting failure” component back to the franchise. It’s hard to recommend because it’s just so… grody (which I already said but it’s really the one word review of this movie), but if you’re into that sort of thing…

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker – This is it, folks. The series culminates in one of the most bizarre takes on Christmas horror ever put to film. Like Initiation, this has no connection to the first three films and is basically a sequel in name only, but it has more Christmas atmosphere and yes, even some form of ambition. It’s a sorta mashup of Santa Slasher and… Pinocchio?

Mysterious killer toys are being delivered throughout the land, and a young boy who witnesses the death of his father becomes too traumatized to speak. His mother must try to get him past his trauma. Perhaps with the help of local toymaker, Joe Petto and his nefarious son, Pino. Oh, and Joe Petto is played by Mickey Rooney. Clint Howard kinda/sorta reprises his role as Ricky, though he’s not a grody servant of witches anymore (or yet? Is this a prequel to part 4? I mean, it doesn’t really matter, but still.)

And that’s just the beginning. This thing gets more and more bananapants as it goes, leading to a truly insane finale. I might be building this up a bit too much in my head right now, but this movie was the thing that convinced me that writing a post like this would be a worthwhile affair. Like, really, this is a terrible movie, but I love it. That’s kinda the story of the entire series, and this one is a prime example.

So there you have it, five truly awful movies… with lots to love if you’re a fan of bad movies, which I apparently am. If you want to put yourself through this, all of the sequels are available for free (with commercials) on Tubi (at least, as of this writing). As for me, I’m making preparations to watch the remake/reboot/whatever this year. I’m sure it will be terrible. I’ll probably enjoy it. I don’t know if I have the stomach for the fan-made Silent Night, Deadly Night 6: Santa’s Watching, but you never know. Merry Christmas!