Movies

Tasting Notes

I used to do this thing where I’d do a series of quick hits on my media diet, but damn, it looks like I haven’t done this in about five years? Let’s rectify that situation:

Television:

  • The Good Place – I wasn’t expecting much, but then I burned through the entire first season in just a couple of days. It’s a fantastic season of television, very funny, great stakes, well paced (both in terms of individual episodes, but also in the way the series expands on its own world throughout the course of the season). There are some big twists that you might pick up on early in the season, but in general, the season works well as a whole. I’m somewhat wary of the forthcoming second season, but the writers managed to be pretty clever throughout the first season, so there’s a hope that the second season will work. But they’ll need to do something almost completely different with the premise this time around (otherwise, it could get very repetitive), which is a challenge.
  • Patriot – What a fucking bizarre show. It’s clearly aping the prestige TV tropes out the yin yang (i.e.

    Breaking Bad-esque cold opens, anti-heroes, etc…) and I can’t exactly say it’s planting any of its own flags, but I actually kinda liked it? I find it hard to recommend and when I break it down, it’s not super original and many of the characteristics of the show are things I don’t normally care for, but somehow it tweaked me just right. At least until the very end, which is an anticlimax (albeit one you can kinda see coming). It’s about a spy who goes undercover at a piping firm in order to travel to Europe and do some sort of deal to prevent Iran from going nuclear. Things immediately go wrong, and pretty much the whole series is an ever-telescoping series of crises built on top of crises. It has this ridiculous sense of deadpan dark humor (I think? Nothing about this show makes perfect sense to me…) that I don’t think I have any reference point for… It’s almost worth watching so that you can get to the Rock/Paper/Scissors game scene towards the end of the series, which is utterly brilliant. Again, a hard one to recommend though. It might be worth watching the first episode (it’s an Amazon Prime original though, so I think you can only see it there). If you’re on board with the ridiculous things that happen there, this series might be for you. I honestly still don’t know what to think about it, which probably means I think its good?

Movies:

  • Dunkirk – Christopher Nolan’s WWII epic is indeed a spectacle to behold, one of the best photographed movies of the year and definite nominee for Most Visually Stunning in the Kaedrin Movie Awards. Not a ton of dialog and minimal plot, and yet it’s propulsively paced and at times harrowing. It’s not your traditional crowd-pleaser, but nods in that direction far enough to keep interest up. I hope it continues to do well. It will likely make my top 10 of the year, though perhaps towards the bottom of that list…
  • The Big Sick – Delightful romantic comedy based on the true story of Emily V. Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani (who wrote the script), and you can see that heart up there on the screen. It deals a lot with family and culture clash in a sophisticated way, but it never drags at all, and is generally able to leaven the drama with comedy. Another film that will likely make my top 10.
  • Baby Driver – Edgar Wright’s latest is fantastic entertainment, a sort of hybrid musical that substitutes car chases for dance numbers. This works spectacularly for the first two thirds, but there’s some serious third act problems with the story (lots of inexplicable decisions and character turns), even though the execution of what’s there is still very enjoyable. Hitchcock’s refrigerator comes to mind here – it works ok when your watching it, but does not hold up to scrutiny. Not a shoe-in for the top 10, but will definitely be a candidate and it will certainly garner a Kaedrin Movie Award or two. Still recommended!

Books:

  • The Rise and Fall of D.O.D.O. by Neal Stephenson and Nicole Galland – I’m about two thirds of the way through this book, which features witches, a quantum mechanical explanation for magic, and lots of time travel. And bureaucracy. I’m pretty much loving it so far, but as a long-time Stephenson fanatic, I think you could probably have guessed that, right? Really curious to see how it will play out (seems like a solid candidate for a Hugo nomination for me). More thoughts forthcoming in a full review…
  • Black Hole Blues and Other Songs from Outer Space by Janna Levin – Non-fiction story of gravitational waves and the LIGO project – an arduous, fifty-year endeavor to measure gravitation waves from events like two black holes colliding… So far seems to be pretty excessively focused on the personalities involved and the hoops they had to jump through to get funded, etc… Interesting stuff, but not necessarily the most immersive story.
  • Killfile by Christopher Farnsworth – Trashy little thriller about a security consultant/spy who can read people’s minds. This is from the guy who wrote about the President’s Vampire, so we’re not looking for anything groundbreaking or anything, but it’s a fairly fun little story. I basically got this (and its sequel, which I didn’t like as much, but was basically more of the same) so that I could get a new President’s Vampire story (which I actually haven’t read yet and at this point, will probably save for the Six Weeks of Halloween), but these were an enjoyable enough diversion, if a bit formulaic and disposable…

Gaming:

  • Friday the 13th: The Game – This is an online multiplayer game (not my usual thing) that is set in the Friday the 13th universe (emphatically my thing). The technical term for this type of game is “asymmetrical multiplayer” because while most of the players are camp counselors running for their life, one randomly selected player gets to be Jason, whose job is to hunt down and kill all the other players. It’s a lot of fun, even though I suck and the game and am not really willing to put the time into it to get good at it (the last time I played as Jason, I only killed one counselor and spent a couple minutes chasing one person around a table).

    Worth checking out if this seems like your jam.

  • Dominion – This is a deck-building card game that I stumbled onto because some folks at work started playing at lunch. I don’t always get to play there, but once I got into it, it’s a really deep and fun game to play. There’s an online version (linked above) that works well enough, though it could use some updates (it’s relatively new though, and they’re still making improvements). I still really enjoy the meatspace version, and it helps that my friends have basically all of the expansion packs (which add a lot of flavor).

The Finer Things:

  • As always, I’m drinking a lot of beer and as you probably know, I have a whole blog where I keep track of this sort of thing. Recent highlights have all been IPAs, actually, like Tree House Julius and Burley Oak 100
  • Since it always takes me, like, 2 years to get through a bottle of whisk(e)y, I was intrigued by the concept of an Infinity Bottle (aka Solera bottle), which is basically when you take a bunch of nearly finished bottles and blend them all together into one super-whiskey. I started a bourbon based bottle recently, mostly Four Roses based, but with some Stagg Jr. and Bookers. Biggest problem right now is that the proof is excessively high (approximately 122) at this point. I need to find some low proof stuff with some age on it (am I crazy, or is this a job for an orphan barrel bourbon?) Still, it’s a fun little project and it should get more and more interesting over time (as more and more whiskeys join the blend).

Phew, that’s all for now. I will be on vacation next week, so posting is dubious, though you never know!

Martial Arts Movie Omnibus

In his review of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Roger Ebert compared martial arts movies to musicals:

Fight scenes in a martial arts movie are like song-and-dance numbers in a musical: After a certain amount of dialogue, you’re ready for one.

It’s an observation that he’d made before, but it’s one that strikes a resonant chord with me. I mean, I’m not a huge fan of musicals, but I sure do enjoy martial arts movies. Yet the mechanisms and structure of both are almost the same. Is there really that much of a difference between Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers and Jackie Chan and Sammo Hung? Apparently not! As Ebert notes:

The best martial arts movies have nothing to do with fighting and everything to do with personal excellence. Their heroes transcend space, gravity, the limitations of the body and the fears of the mind. In a fight scene in a Western movie, it is assumed the fighters hate each other. In a martial arts movie, it’s more as if the fighters are joining in a celebration of their powers.

Indeed, and while that might not completely hold true in all cases, it is something that sorta feels right anyway.

Early this year, I noticed that Amazon Prime streaming had made a whole slew of classic martial arts movies available, so I resolved to start exploring. As I made my way through what was available, I did start to stray further afield (even sometimes resorting to, gasp, physical media to see some of these). What follows is a pretty wide broad-section of the field, by no means comprehensive, but a decent place to start if anyone is curious. For the sake of honesty, I wasn’t initially taking notes, so my recollections on some of these are a little sparse, but I figured I’d include everything I’ve watched this year. For posterity! This was a generally fun exercise and I expect my explorations of the genre to continue, but I figured it was time to finally start documenting what I’ve watched. Let’s get to it:

The Prodigal Son (1981) – Directed by Sammo Hung, this one tones down the humor a bit, but the very premise is somewhat amusing. Yuen Biao stars as Chang, a wealthy heir that believes himself to be a kung fu master. However, it turns out that his father has been paying people to lose to him. Embarrassed, Chang joins a traveling circus in the hopes of learning from the master of that troupe. Hung plays a small part as one of Chang’s instructors, but is mostly behind the camera, with Yuen Biao and Ching-Ying Lam (you will see some of these names often below). This is a prime example of Wing Chun style, a form of close quarters martial arts involving grappling and striking. Action Highlight: The final one-on-one fight is pretty great and represents a culmination of the action sequences, which start with light sparring and gradually become more and more serious and brutal as the film progresses, until you reach the finale. Clear, fluid, well choreographed stuff all throughout, and there’s a good balance of action to plot. ***

Eastern Condors – This is a really unusual one about a mission to Vietnam to destroy a munitions depot left behind by Americans before anyone can put the weapons to nefarious use. There’s actually very little martial arts in the movie, and what is there feels a bit out of place in a Vietnam narrative. I watched it due to Sammo Hung’s involvement and he is technically the lead, but it’s more of an ensemble piece (Yuen Biao shows up again). As Vietnam movies go, this doesn’t quite stand up to the classics and isn’t as fun as the more ridiculous 80s offerings. You’d be better off watching the movies that inspired this, like The Dirty Dozen, though I gather I’m an outlier in disliking this movie (it seems popular). Action Highlight: I guess the end at the munitions dump? I was not enamored with the action here. *

Magnificent Butcher (1979) – Another Sammo Hung vehicle, he plays “Butcher” Wing in this one, a student of legendary martial arts master Wong Fei-hung (a mainstay character in HK cinema). His newly wed brother comes to town, but the bride is promptly kidnapped by a student of a local rival master. He must team up with his brother and local a local drunken master to try and save her. Before I get to the action, which is amazing, I have to ding the plot here. Now most of these movies don’t have a great plot, but the kidnapped wife trope is executed poorly here. Spoiler: she is murdered, leading to a revenge killing of the kidnapper. But the kidnapper’s master doesn’t know about all this, and vows revenge of Hung’s character. The final battle sees Hung defeating the rival master, but it all feels a little wrong. That being said, the action in this film is phenomenal.

Sammo Hung

Directed by famed choreographer Woo-Ping Yuen, one would expect nothing less. Clear, fluid, intricate fights all throughout, and Sammo Hung is a spectacular performer. If you don’t know Sammo, he’s, well, on the overweight side of things. And yet he manages to be among the most nimble acrobats I’ve ever seen in one of these movies. The other performers hold their own, of course (look, another Yuen Biao appearance), aided as they are by Woo-Ping Yuen’s choreography. If you’re willing to overlook the unpleasantness in the plot, this is a spectacular action film.

Calligraphy Battle

Action Highlight: The calligraphy battle is marvelous and a standout from all the movies in this post, but the final showdown with Sammo Hung is also worth noting. ***

Warriors Two (1978) – Another Sammo Hung directed film, this is also a classic showcase for the Wing Chun style starring Casanova Wong (the famed “Human Tornado”). Wong plays a humble cashier who stumbles on a plot to assassinate the local mayor. Action Highlight: The last half hour of the film is almost non-stop action, with the highlight being Wong and Hung’s two on two battle with the villains of the piece, including a weird “juggling” maneuver… **1/2

Wheels on Meals (1984) – A famous team-up of Jackie Chan, Yuen Biao, and Sammo Hung, it’s hard to beat that trio. Chan and Biao play cousins and business partners (owning a futuristic food truck, decades before such things were trendy), and Hung plays an inexplicably Jheri curled private detective. They all get wrapped up in some sort of weird crime gambit involving a young woman. Whatever, it’s all just an excuse to get to the fights, which are great, varied, and numerous. This is one of the many movies in which Jackie Chan, clearly a susperstar, manages to generously share the screen with multiple costars (who, frankly, are also superstars within this genre).

Jackie Chan vs Benny The Jet

Action Highlight: Jackie Chan’s infamous duel with Benny “The Jet” Urquidez towards the end of the film is astounding and features one of the coolest bits: Benny does a spinning kick so fast that he generates enough airflow to extinguish some candles on set. It was apparently an accident, but they obviously left it in the film because it’s so cool (and another example of Chan’s willingness to share the spotlight). ***

The Fearless Hyena (1979) – Jackie Chan’s directorial debut about dueling martial arts schools and old enemies finding out about one of the masters because, yeah, the usual martial arts plot here. Revenge is involved. But the fights are great, and Chan goes through some amusing costuming.

Chopstick Fight
Chopsticks

Action Highlight: Lots to choose from, but the really memorable bit is one of the training sequences where Chan’s new master prompts him to eat piece of meat sitting in front of him. What follows is a legit duel fought with chopsticks. Utterly brilliant. ***

The Young Master (1980) – Another early Jackie Chan directorial effort about a martial arts student whose brother inadvertently gets kicked out of his school or something, so Chan goes on an adventure to find him, running afoul of the local criminals and constabulary.

Fighting with a fan

Action Highlight: The opening dragon fight has its merits, and there’s lots to choose from, but for me it’s the impeccable choreography in the fight with the fan that takes the day. ***

Police Story (1985) – One of those Jackie Chan calling cards, it’s the first movie of his that I’ve watched that really amps up the stunts, and boy are there a bunch here. There’s also some great physical comedy reminiscent of Buster Keaton, such as the scene where Chan is alone at the police station and is juggling 4-5 different phones and getting tangled up in the wires and whatnot. Three classic set-pieces included a car chase through a small town (lots of destruction and mayhem), a bus chase, and the Action Highlight: A fight through a mall, lots of typically great fighting culminating in Jackie Chan’s jump down a, um, lightpost? Whatever it is, it’s a spectacular stunt. This movie was apparently a big deal at the time, and it’s easy to see why. ***

Project A (1983) – Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, and Yuen Biao star (the trio rides again) in this adventure fighting pirates on the old China coast. More or less par for the course, solid action, but nothing seems to standout much (perhaps I’m just getting used to the slapsticky action comedy style). Certainly a strong entry, but not my favorite. Action Highlight: The bar fight at the beginning of the film has some great Jackie Chan getting-injured-but-pretending-to-be-ok bits, then just follows through to out and out injury. **1/2

Butterfly and Sword (1993) – This is a movie where Michelle Yeoh decapitates people with her silk scarf, then uses said scarf as a makeshift bow that costar Tony Leung launches himself off of like an arrow to blow clean through various nefarious enemies.

Making a bow with a scarf

Also, the villain turns out to have a Freddy Kreuger glove. That can shoot the blades. And as wuxia films go, there’s plenty of floating and wirework that’s quite neat. You’d think this would be awesome, but alas, it doesn’t quite live up to its best moments. The action here is much choppier and covered in tighter shots with more camera movement than I’m used to. This isn’t like modern-day shaky cam, at least, but it’s not the cleanly shot elegance you generally get from this sort of film either (then again, perhaps an actual restoration/better transfer of the filmstock would help clean this stuff up – indeed, this transfer on Amazon might be pan-and-scan, which could explain some of the issues.) The love, er, quadrangle? (or rectangle, they’re called rectangles) is reasonable but also a little fraught and doesn’t always blend in with the rest of the story. So it’s more frenetic and actually quite gory, which is a change of pace for these movies, but it falls a bit short on execution (though again, issues with the transfer might be the real problem). It’s worth watching for students of the genre or of wacky movies, but not really a good intro to wuxia or martial arts in general. Action Highlight: The final battle with Freddy Kreuger is great and makes good use of Yeoh’s scarf/bow. **1/2

Magnificent Warriors (1987) – Michelle Yeoh plays Indiana Jones, basically. Some good set pieces here, but the highpoint is in the middle, and while the finish works, it does feel a bit perfunctory.

Michelle Yeoh

Action Highlight: There’s a scene in Kill Bill where Gogo Yubari fights the bride with this metal ball/blade thingy that’s attached to chain. It’s a memorable fight and weapon because of the way she flings it around, and in Magnificent Warriors, Michelle Yeoh basically has the same sequence (towards the beginning of the film), decades before Kill Bill. However, the true highlight is when Michelle Yeoh provides a distraction for our heroes’ escape by kicking and punching the entire Japanese army into submission. Mostly. I mean, they end up captured, but still. It’s an amazing sequence. **1/2

The One-Armed Swordsman (1967) – Very early Shaw Brothers flick about, yes, a one-armed swordsman. This is such an early example of the genre that it’s like they hadn’t even invented the trademark foley work that martial arts are known for. The action works reasonably well, but the choreography is not as intricate or elegant as the later works I’ve seen. This is a clear precursor though, and you can see its influence on the later films. Action Highlight: Honestly blanking on this right now, but I’ll say that it probably involves swords. **1/2

Supercop (1992) – I want to say that I saw this in the theater back in the day. If memory serves (and it famously does not, so this might not be true), after Rumble in the Bronx, a bunch of movies made their way to the US, and this was one of them. I do kinda remember the scene in the training warehouse at the beginning, but other than that, I didn’t remember much from this movie. It’s quite solid! I mean, it’s Jackie Chan teaming up with Michelle Yeoh, so what did you expect? Both are great performers, and there’s lots of good action and stunts going on here. Action Highlight: The last 20-30 minutes of the movie feature lots of great stunts, including Michelle Yeoh hanging off of a truck, Jackie Chan riding a rope ladder attached to a helicopter, all finishing up on top of a train for some great stunts and martial arts… ***

Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976) – Apparently a sequel, I just jumped into this one without even knowing that. Directed by Jimmy Wang Yu (who also directed the aforementioned One-Armed Swordsman), this one represents the evolution of the genre. Surprisingly modern music cues (were these used for kill Bill?) The entire second act is a full-contact martial arts tournament, some of it quite gruesome, some more tame. The action is well done, not quite as intricate or stylized as much of the above, but it’s certainly in that direction, and quite entertaining. Has an almost video game like structure, fight after fight, a series of boss battles, etc… Not the greatest transfer on Amazon, and it’s dubbed (some scenes are bizarrely still in the original language with no translation available), but who cares, this is a movie where a dude uses a device to decapitate people at the flick of his wrist. There’s not much plot at all, and it doesn’t really matter. Action Highlight: The aforementioned tournament certainly has lots to praise, but the ending boss-fights probably warrant mention too. ***

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (1978) – Classic Shaw Brothers production starring Gordon Liu that is certainly in the discussion for best Martial Arts movie of all time. Perhaps surprisingly, most of the martial arts movies in this post don’t have great training montages, but this movie dedicates a good third of the running time to well structured training sequences, including seemingly insignificant skills that turn out to be important later on (i.e. not quite wax-on, wax-off, but along those lines). One of the classics of the genre, well worth checking out. Action Hightlight: The film builds to a series of final confrontations, all of which are pretty great. I feel like I should have more to say about this movie, but everything I think of basically just amounts to it being great. You should totally watch it. ***1/2

The Five Deadly Venoms (1978) – A dying kung fu master regrets training the Five Venoms, thinking that they may use their talents for evil. Each member of this gang has a specialty: The centipede’s quick hits and blinding speed, the snake’s deception and striking power, the scorpion’s darts, the lizard’s gravity defying ability to climb walls, and the toad’s near imperviousness to traditional weapons. The dying master tasks his final pupil, a jack-of-all-trades (but master of none), with taking down the gang, so as to prevent any evil doing on their part. But he won’t be able to do it alone, so he needs to ally himself with one of the five to take out the other four. The only problem? The Five Venoms all wore masks while training, so no one knows what they look like, not even them! The This movie takes a while to get moving, and indeed, it almost feels more like an Edgar Wallace mystery mixed with Yojimbo-style feuding factions being played against one another, with a dose of Kill Bill (though obviously this film was an influence on Tarantino rather than the other way around, and yes, I’m pretty sure some of the scorpion’s sound cues are used in Kill Bill too). There’s a lot of exposition and strangely, courtroom drama and a crooked judge. It’s almost half an hour before we get our first proper martial arts sequence, but things start to slowly pick up from there. This is not exactly high cinema, but the story did grab me more than most razor-thin martial arts plots. This has a reputation as being one of the best, and it’s certainly influential, but try to keep your expectations in check. Action Highlight: The final showdown is very well done, making ample usage of the Venom Mob specialties. **1/2

Crippled Avengers (1978) – What a bizarre way to start a movie. A young boy has both his arms cut off by bandits. His father vows to replace them with metal hands. And they shoot darts! You’d think these are the eponymous “avengers”, but no, their injuries turn them into total dicks who go around town crippling villagers. One is blinded, another is made deaf and mute, a third gets his legs cut off, and finally, one man is struck dumb by a torture device while attempting to avenge the first three. When those three find out, they take that man back to his master, who vows to teach the “crippled avengers” despite their disabilities. Will our crippled avengers achieve vengeance? You bet ya! Chang Cheh’s follow up to The Five Venoms, this one has decidedly more martial arts, but less Agatha Christi plotting. Still entertaining enough and the plot, simple and bonkers as it is, serves its purpose well. Action Highlight: Once again, I forgot to write down anything specific. In general, it’s got great choreography, of course, and the fights are many and varied. **1/2

A Touch of Zen (1971) – This is not your typical Wu Xia film. Clocking in at nearly 3 hours, it’s perhaps too long, but this is a movie that is more thoughtful than your typical entry in the genre. In other words, the plot here matters and is fraught with symbolism. Our heroes rely on ghosts of the past for their defense, and there’s lots of sexual symbolism (it’s no accident that the villain is a Eunuch). This is more artistic, moody, and deep than the rest of the films in this post, and that makes for an interesting contrast.

A Touch of Zen

It’s also visually beautiful, and the artistry serves a purpose. The Wu Xia elements are clearly lowfi here, relying mostly on trampolines rather than elaborate wire-work, but you can clearly see why something like this would be considered so influential. Director King Hu received lots of plaudits from critics, but didn’t seem to strike as much of a chord with audiences. The action is sparse at first, but builds towards a climax with the Action Highlight: The fight in the bamboo forest, crisp and clean choreography, not as intricate or mind-blowing as what would follow, but clearly a precursor. ***

My Lucky Stars (1985) – Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, etc… and… holy shit, is that Chong Li from Bloodsport in a bit part? Alas, he doesn’t get to do any real fighting. Jackie Chan is an undercover cop who gets into trouble and asks for his friends from the orphanage to help… but they’re all con men and crooks. Nice car chase and fight sequence up front, a decent enough recruitment phase, followed by an interminable scene where our 5 con men try to con their (female) police contact into being tied up with them? That part is dumb and inappropriate. Jackie Chan seems conspicuously absent for about half the movie, but the Action Highlight in the finale, as Chan makes his way through a haunted house and each of our con men (and woman) get something to do. **

Come Drink With Me (1966) – Classic early Shaw Brothers flick, clearly not all tropes have been established yet and the choreography, while good, isn’t as intricate as later stuff (it fares better than One Armed Swordsman). The story feels very much like a western, with a group of bandits hoping to free their imprisoned leaders, ambushing convoys, holding a prince hostage. Then Cheng Pei-Pei shows up as the prince’s sister to “negotiate” his release. Her first scene in the tavern is the Action Highlight, lots of tension, plenty of well choreographed action and some neat little tricks. She has another great set piece where she takes on the whole gang, but then seems to take the background as her newfound ally, the town drunk, takes center stage for the last third or so of the movie. The ending doesn’t quite live up to the rest of the movie, but it holds on alright. A few years after this movie, director King Hu would go on to make A Touch of Zen, and you can see similarities here. **1/2

Phew. That’s a lot of movies, and what’s more, I feel like I’m only scratching the surface here. We may need another Omnibus post (or 5) before we get to all the movies I’d like to see…

Problematic Influence

Movies can be judged along many spectrums. One is the influence it has on the world. This is difficult to measure, but it seems ridiculous to say that a popular movie will have no influence on its audience. Unfortunately, this influence is often used to justify some of our baser censorious instincts. In doing so, I feel like our would-be censors often exaggerate the influence a film has. They also tend to assume that because a movie can be interpreted in some harmful way, that it always will be interpreted that way. By that logic, the Bible is the most dangerous book in the world (that might be a bad example, because there are some who might actually believe that, but I digress). Another spectrum to observe is that a movie is merely reflecting the culture it was created in. This one is particularly weird because it messes with causality. When someone does something horrific that resembles a movie, was it the movie that caused that? Or was the movie merely another expression of the same thing that caused the horrific event in question?

A few years ago, I read a book called Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday The 13th. It’s a fascinating book, and not just because I’m inexplicably obsessed with that series of movies. It’s basically set up like an absurdly comprehensive Oral History (only it was published a few years before the concept was repopularized) of all the films. One of the interviewees was Tom McLoughlin, the director of Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (a Kaedrin favorite).

Jason is confused
Jason is confused by our puny mortal form, but also by his influence

At one point, he discusses the two sides of the coin about doing a Friday the 13th movie:

A number of years after I did Jason Lives, I was watching an HBO special about teens who kill. They had this boy on there who was about 14. They asked, “Why did you kill your friend’s mom? What could have possibly been going through your head?” And he said, “Jason, man. I was thinking like Jason.” It really affected me-could a movie like this truly influence somebody?

The other side of the coin was that I was once directing a play in San Francisco, an all-out comedy. One night, after a performance, somebody was waiting for me, this very professional guy. He says, “Are you the director?” I said, “Yeah.” He says, “I noticed on your credits that you did one of the Friday the 13th movies.” And I immediately started making excuses. “You know – it was a fun thing, blah blah blah.” And he said, “I didn’t see the movie, but I just wanted to thank you.” I was stunned for a second, and then I asked, “Why?” He says, “Well, I’m a psychologist and we have a clinic up here in San Francisco where we work with disturbed kids. We have them put on these Jason masks and they take out their aggressions on stuffed dummies. By not being themselves and venting what they feel through this character, we’ve had a lot of wonderful breakthroughs. I just wanted to thank whoever is responsible for all this.”

Boy, was that something I didn’t expect to hear. I was just so blown away that somebody of authority and experience thought that Friday the 13th was a positive thing.

I was reminded of this anecdote because I read Yoon Ha Lee’s recent post, The Problem With Problematic:

“But is it hurtful?” you ask.

I feel this is the wrong question.

Individuals are hurt by whatever hurts them. And that’s not always something an author can predict–given the number of individuals in this world that’s a losing proposition, to try to write a work that never hurts anyone. I was not hurt by Palmer’s exploration of gender and society and use of pronouns, but again, trans people are not a monolith; and I want to be clear that people who noped out of the novel because of the pronouns (or any other reason) are entirely within their rights. I do think she was doing something interesting and definitely science fictional and that that’s fine, and that she should not have been prevented from writing with this device.

Let me tackle this from another angle. There is a class of narratives about trans people that hurts me, personally, that I avoid the fuck ever reading if I have a choice in the matter. But that does not mean that this class of narratives should not be written, or even that there should be content warnings for this class of narratives. Because that class of narratives is “trans stories with happy trans characters and happy endings.” I actively find these stories painful to read because they remind me of the suck aspects of my existence and the fact that I’m not getting a happy ending. But does this mean these stories shouldn’t be written? Fuck no! These stories are important and vital, and other readers should get a chance to read them.

All this just to say–readers are so individual in their reactions that “never write something hurtful” is untenable.

I think this is related to the going trend these days, which is to ask authors not to write works that are “problematic.” But what do we really mean by that? Analysis of, say, racist or sexist elements in media is valuable, and we need more of it. But sometimes what I see is not that, but “don’t write problematic works” in the sense of “don’t write things that I consider hurtful.”

The funny thing about this, and the thing that I think surprised McLaughlin is that the opposite is also true. To paraphrase: But is it helpful? Individuals are helped by whatever helps them. And that’s not always something an author can predict. Sometimes it even comes from the most unlikely of sources, like trashy Friday the 13th movies.

Weird Movie of the Week

Last time on Weird Movie of the Week, we covered some Holiday Horror (a film that turned out to be not quite as weird as desired, alas). This time, we return to the Bigfoot realm with a movie that has one of the greatest titles I’ve ever heard: The Man Who Killed Hitler and then Bigfoot. Produced by indie statesman John Sayles (who is probably best known for his serious work like Lone Star or Eight Men Out, but got his start with trash like Piranha or Alligator) and starring Sam Elliott, this premise sounds like a hoot:

The story follows a legendary American war veteran named Calvin Barr (Elliott) who, decades after serving in WWII and assassinating Adolf Hitler, must now hunt down the fabled Bigfoot. Living a peaceful life in New England, the former veteran is contacted by the FBI and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police to lead the charge as the creature is carrying a deadly plague and is hidden deep inside the Canadian wilderness.

Sounds glorious. These things don’t always pan out that way, but I think this one is worth the stretch.

Favorite Movie For Each Year I’ve Been Alive

So this meme has been going around for a while and I thought I’d throw my hat into the ring because this could be interesting. N.B. the meme sez “favorite” and not “best” and also, I’ve got a moderate amount of years to get through here, so I wasn’t particularly choosy, picking the first movie that really jumped out at me. Sometimes I’m really boring, sometimes… not.

I appear to have some biases. That was harder than expected and I’m absolutely positive that I’m leaving out tons of great films that would probably have made the list if the quick searches for each year revealed them (particularly foreign films)…

The Oscars

The paradox of the Oscars is that no one claims to care about them, yet they spend a lot of time and effort in order to inform you of this. I don’t think I’ll ever write a better intro to the Oscars as I did a few years ago:

The funny thing about the Academy Awards is that your opinion about them is pretty boring. You think the Oscars are just a cynical circle jerk of self-satisfied Hollywood elites? Boring! You’re outraged at [insert snub here]? Super fucking boring! You’re genuinely excited about seeing films receive the recognition they deserve? You are both naive and boring! But the one thing that unites us all is the abject hatred of the short films categories. I think we can all agree on that.

This year promises to be vaguely more interesting giving that we’re living in the age of Trump and thus celebrities will be falling all over themselves to make “important” statements that will be parsed to death in the following week. I guess this is a good thing, but only in the “May you live in interesting times” curse sort of way.

On a more personal level, I just like to drink a few beers and make fun of celebrities. Making predictions can also be fun, though I do tend to fall right around the same 80% or so success rate every year. This year’s picks are below. Back in the before time, the long long ago, I used to do this thing called “liveblogging”. For the uninitiated, back in the “dark” days before Facebook and Twitter, people would just update their blog every 2 minutes and we’d just sit there hitting F5 to see what people were saying. A few years ago, I finally got with the times and took it all to Twitter. And to be honest, I’m not that interesting, so I usually end up just retweeting a bunch of people who are funnier and more incisive than I am. But hey, if you want to chat, I’ll be on Twitter @mciocco saying dumb things. If, for some ungodly reason, you want to see a decade’s worth of previous predictions and commentary on the Oscars, check them out here: [2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012 | 2011 | 2010 | 2009 | 2008 | 2007 | 2006 | 2005 | 2004]

  • Best Picture: La La Land. This appears pretty close to a lock. Critics are agitating for Moonlight, but I suspect the Academy will think that throwing it an award in one of the lesser categories will be enough. Still a chance for backlash, I guess, but it’s small. Arrival would be my pick, but the Academy famously doesn’t go for SF, though this seems better regarded than most. Similarly, Hell or High Water is well liked (including by me!), but is unlikely to really strike a chord with the Academy. Manchester by the Sea and Hidden Figures have some cred, I guess, but their chances seem vanishingly small (and may be rewarded elsewhere). Lion only got the nomination due to customary Weinstein wrangling and will thus probably not have any real chance of winning (regardless of the film’s quality). Hacksaw Ridge is just an acknowledgement that Hollywood is giving Mel a chance again. In the end, it’s La La Land or Moonlight or bust.
  • Best Director: Damien Chazelle for La La Land. Historically, Best Picture and Best Director tracked together, but they’ve diverged over the past few years (perhaps because of the expanded Best Picture category). That being said, La La Land has the momentum and will probably run the board. I think we’re due to return to these two awards being tied together. Still a chance for Barry Jenkins to take it, though. The other nominees have approximately no chance. Denis Villenueve would be my choice. Mel Gibson and Kenneth Lonergan should just be happy for being out of director’s jail.
  • Best Actress: Emma Stone for La La Land. My initial thought was that Natalie Portman would take this for Jackie, but her buzz seems to be waning while La La Land waxes. Moderate chance of an upset here though. Isabelle Huppert rides the dark horse with her performance in Elle and a few wins in other awards this season. Ruth Negga seems a tad behind that, and Meryl Streep is only nominated because she’s always nominated. It’s Hollywood law, or something. With Streep’s exception, it’s a pretty strong lineup though. I don’t really have a preference.
  • Best Actor: Casey Affleck for Manchester by the Sea. He’s been the clear frontrunner for a while, but Denzel Washington snagged a SAG award and has been generating buzz, so he has some momentum. Virtually no chance that the other nominees will win (maybe Gosling, riding on La La Land’s momentum), though it’s still a decent lineup. No real preference from my perspective.
  • Best Supporting Actress: Viola Davis for Fences. Seems like a lock, though I guess Michelle Williams could spoil because she’s great in the short amount of time she’s on screen in Manchester by the Sea. Naomie Harris is a longshot, and the other nominees are pretty much out of it. Seems like Davis’ to lose.
  • Best Supporting Actor: Mahershala Ali for Moonlight. This is a near lock, and it should be.
  • Best Original Screenplay: Manchester by the Sea. Welcome back to Hollywood’s embrace, Kenneth Lonergan. But don’t get too excited, it’s eminently possible that La La Land will run away with it on momentum alone. No real chance for anyone else, even if my vote would actually go to Hell or High Water.
  • Best Adapted Screenplay: Moonlight. This is probably a makeup for not giving it best picture (and it’s probably not a bad choice). Personally, I’d go with Arrival, but that’s just because I’m a nerd and I know how difficult it was to adapt that story…
  • Film Editing: La La Land. Seems like a pretty safe bet.
  • Cinematography: La La Land. Yuuup!
  • Visual Effects: The Jungle Book seems favored and is actually pretty deserving. I can’t believe Rogue One: A Star Wars Story even got nominated (most of it is great, to be sure, but zombie Tarkin seems like a pretty clear disqualifier, no?)
  • Makeup: Star Trek Beyond. I guess? I mean, sure, why not?
  • Costumes: Jackie. It’s got that iconic flair, I guess. Still can’t rule out La La Land though.
  • Musical Score: La La Land, because it’s a juggernaut.
  • Best Song: “City of Stars” from La La Land, because it’s a juggernaut. I suppose there’s fair chance that having two songs from the same movie nominated could split the votes and allow something like Moana to run away with it, but I’m not counting on it.
  • Best Animated Film: Zootopia seems to be the frontrunner, but Moana or Kubo and the Two Strings should probably also contend here (I would probably vote for the latter over the former).
  • Best Documentary: O.J.: Made in America, and it probably deserves it too. The only caveat is that it’s so long that maybe the voters will get fed up and go with something else. Don’t think it’s likely though.
  • Best Foreign Language Film: Toni Erdmann seems to be the thing most critics have talked about, but The Salesman has enough buzz that it might pull through.

That about covers it. There are some missing categories, but these are the ones I pick each year and I don’t feel like figuring out which categories I neglected (though I do know that two of them are short film categories, which we’ve already established are hot garb). Again, follow me on Twitter @mciocco for inane commentary throughout the ceremony.

Favorite Films of 2016

We continue our recap of the year in movies with our top 10 list, only a month and half late! But I snuck it in before the Oscars, so there is that. This marks the eleventh year I’ve posted a top ten, which is pretty hard to believe. For reference, previous top 10s are here: [2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012 | 2011 | 2010 | 2009 | 2008 | 2007 | 2006]

Summing up the year in movies and compiling a list of 10 favorites is an arbitrary exercise, but it’s something I enjoy wrangling with. A couple years ago, I observed that Hollywood had really pulled their shit together and put out a pretty impressive slate of blockbusters. Well, those stars are all misaligned right now, because this was a positively dreadful year for blockbusters, lead in particular by a never-ending series of sequels and remakes that literally no-one was asking for (and which did about as well). The Huntsman: Winter’s War, Now You See Me 2, Mechanic: Resurrection, Inferno, and Ben Hur, just to name a few. Marvel managed a couple solid entries, and there was a decent Star Wars flick, but otherwise things looked pretty bleak. It’s tempting to say we’ve reached “peak sequel”, but that’s just wishful thinking. The real problem this year was that all these sequels were just so bad. In 2015, we at least had movies like Creed or Mad Max: Fury Road (two long-gap sequels no one was really clamoring for, yet which turned out fantastic).

As a result of these underperforming tent-poles, us movie dorks had to put on our archeology hats and dig deep to find the real gems. It usually takes some effort to round out the top 10 by delving into the offbeat and obscure offerings of the year, but this year moreso than others. My favorite stuff tended to be the middle-tier (budget wise) offerings that seem to be an endangered species in our current movie environment, but they’re still there if you know where to look.

As of this writing, I have seen 78 movies that could be considered a 2016 release. This is about on-par for me, more than your typical moviegoer, but less than your average critic. Not exactly comprehensive, but enough such that a top 10 is actually a meaningful segment. Standard disclaimers apply, let’s get to it:

Top 10 Movies of 2016

* In roughly reverse order

  • Tickled – Ostensibly about a journalist’s attempts to get to the bottom of a mysterious ring of online tickling competitions, this documentary quickly pivots to an odd and more relevant exploration of online abuse. While this particular story only covers a tiny chunk of people impacted, it has broader implications. Perhaps not as formally inventive as its subject matter, it nonetheless makes an impression that is hard to shake.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Love & Friendship – Jane Austen period costume dramas are not exactly in my sweet spot, but this movie pleasantly surprised me. I attribute a big part of this to an excellent lead performance from Kate Beckinsale, wry and manipulative. The witty writing from Whit Stillman also deserves recognition, and the movie as a whole is a delight. Comedies, especially unusual ones like this, often get left out of the end-of-year conversation, so I’m really happy to point to this one…

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon] [Kaedrin Movie Award Winner]

  • Green Room – Jeremy Saulnier’s tense thriller really knows how to ratchet the tension. Excellent performances all around, but the standout is the menacing Patrick Stewart (he didn’t win the Best Villain award for nothing, folks). Not an easy movie, but very well executed.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon] [Kaedrin Movie Award Winner]

  • Hunt for the Wilderpeople – Taika Waititi is quickly becoming a Kaedrin favorite. This tale of a rebellious kid (a “bad egg”) taking off with his foster-uncle (a gruff-looking Sam Neill) turns out to be a heartwarming treat. Most descriptions make it sound overly familiar or cliched, but while the overarching skeleton may appear that way, the details and execution are on point. It doesn’t come off anywhere near as cliched as you might expect.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • The Nice Guys – Writer/Director Shane Black didn’t invent the buddy comedy dynamic, but he’s made a career out of tweaking the formula. A pair of irregular private detectives try to locate a missing girl and get wrapped up in a convoluted conspiracy surrounding a murder case.

    The Nice Guys

    Great performances from Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling, and Black’s sharp script helps too.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Hell or High Water – One of the quiet surprises of the year, this tale of West Texas bank robbers and the policemen on their tale is well paced and clever. Writer Taylor Sheridan produced a real gem here, with the best dialogue of the year servicing a complex and culturally relevant plot.

    Hell or High Water

    This is a prime example of the sort of endangered mid-budget movie I mentioned in the intro, and it would truly be a shame to miss out on movies like this. Well worth your time.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon] [Kaedrin Arbitrary Award Winner]

  • The Handmaiden – Chan-wook Park’s latest and among his best, this tale of a Korean handmaiden attempting to pull a con on a Japanese heiress is twisty and turny in the best way possible. Great performances and visually gorgeous to boot. It’s surprisingly funny too. Perhaps not for everyone, but I loved it.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon] [Kaedrin Movie Award Winner]

  • Weiner – This portrait of Anthony Weiner’s self-destruction is made all the more remarkable due to the extraordinary amount of access the filmmakers had during Weiner’s doomed mayoral campaign. It’s got its tragic elements, but also enough pathos to soften the blow without shifting blame or sugarcoating anything. An unflinching look at a train wreck.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • The Witch – An exceptional exercise in verisimilitude… except for one key detail: Witches are real! This actually represents a clever twist on your typical Witch Hunt narrative, one that makes it much more relevant to today’s climate than you would initially think.

    The Witch

    Chilling and fascinating, this is a movie that really stuck with me.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon] [Full Review]

  • Arrival – I’m often hard on science fiction films because it’s so rare to see what I love about SF literature captured on screen. What’s more, when you read Ted Chiang’s Story of Your Life, you are not immediately struck by the story’s cinematic potential. But Denis Villeneuve and writer Eric Heisserer managed a near miracle in adapting Chiang’s complex tale of language and motherhood. They add some geopolitical wrangling to spice things up, but they don’t devolve into typical Hollywood alien invasion shenanigans and still manage to evoke the same, more personal feelings and questions I had while reading the story. It also arrived at a politically opportune moment, giving it an added dose of relevance. One of the best pieces of cinematic SF of all time, and certainly the best of the year.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon] [Kaedrin Movie Award Winner] [Full Review]

Special Jury Prize

Awarded to the movie that doesn’t quite fit the traditional notion of a movie and thus does not make the top 10, but deserves recognition beyond Arbitrary Awards or Honorable Mentions nonetheless.

  • O.J.: Made in America – At almost 8 hours long, it’s hard to consider this documentary a traditional “movie”… and yet, it’s so well done that it deserves some form of unique recognition. It covers O.J.’s life and times leading up to the infamous murder trial, but it also delves into much of the social and political context for the trial. It never feels like pandering, but it doesn’t flinch at difficult subjects either. It’s certainly an achievement and well worth watching.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

Honorable Mention

* In alphabetical order

  • 10 Cloverfield Lane – One of the year’s baffling long-gap sequels that no one was really looking for, this one is actually a standalone tale (barely connected to its predecessor) and perhaps that’s why it succeeded where so many other sequels failed. A tense, bottled story, an unhinged villain, and some deft twists make this thriller well worth your time.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Captain America: Civil War – The premise behind this story, while a time-honored tradition among comic book fans, is one of my least favorite tropes. Pitting heroes against one another is fine in isolation, more problematic in context. Nevertheless, Marvel manages to pull it off in fine style here, in part because they are able to acknowledge both sides of the argument and then delve into more interpersonal conflicts. It’s certainly not a perfect movie, nor does it live up to the previous installment in the series, but it was still wildly entertaining, which is all I really need from these movies.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon] [Full Review]

  • Doctor Strange – Another Marvel shot in the dark that manages to hit its target, one of the things I love about the MCU is their willingness to take a chance on more obscure or out-there characters like Doctor Strange. As I understand it, they maybe softened the edges a bit too much, but there’s plenty of weird stuff here, some interesting visual cues, and a relatively clever climax that kinda subverts the typical blockbuster explodey ending.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Don’t Breathe – This tale of a group of hoodlums attempting to rob a blind man, only to have him turn the tables on them, is one of the best horror movies of the year. Tense, well crafted, and thrilling, it suffers from a third act twist involving a turkey baster. A little more care in that (rather gross) situation could have easily put this in the top 10, but alas, that was not to be.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Hail, Caesar! – Howard Hawks famously described what makes a good movie: “Three great scenes, no bad ones.” Well, this movie does have three of my favorite scenes of the year: A studio executive discusses God with an assortment of priests and a rabbi. “Would that it ’twere so simple.” And a group of communists calling themselves “The Future” discuss class conflict as it relates to the devision of labor on a movie set. Or maybe the Channing Tatum-led musical number. Or Scarlett Johansson’s synchronised swimming bit. Or about ten other scenes. Nearly a top 10 pick (i.e. Hawks isn’t wrong here), but it falls just short because all these great scenes never really coalesce into more than the sum of their parts. This could change with a rewatch and further consideration, as sometimes happens with the Coen Brothers’ more unruly efforts, but for now, it remains an honorable mention.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • The Invitation – A man goes to a dinner party hosted by his ex-wife and her new husband. Soon, he starts to suspect something more sinister is going on. Director Karyn Kusama’s deliberate, meticulous thriller builds tension slowly but steadily, lulling you in until violence starts to break out. Then things escalate even further, culminating in the slowly dawning dread of the its final shot. A strong contender for a #10 slot, and on another day, it might have show up there.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Kill Zone 2 – The best action movie I saw all year, this also aspires to a bit more with a script filled with interlocking coincidences and missed connections being discovered. But still, the real reason to watch this is the fight choreography and the execution from the likes of Tony Jaa. I’m not an expert in martial arts, but this is the best action I’ve seen since the last Raid movie.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • La La Land – I’m not a huge fan of musicals and while this movie didn’t completely convert me, I did find myself enjoying it quite a bit. I didn’t find myself taken by the music itself, but rather the filmmaking. The opening number, filmed to appear as one long take. Or the bittersweet montage towards the end of the film. Director Damien Chazelle clearly knows what he’s doing and I have to respect going against the grain like this. That being said, it doesn’t quite stack up against the classic musicals of yore that it clearly intends to evoke.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Manchester by the Sea – A subtle study in grief centered on the notion that someone who is broken by tragedy might not be able to recover, I found myself respecting and admiring this film more than feeling for it. Not an easy movie to shake, and Casey Affleck’s central performance is deserving of praise, but it all left me feeling a bit cold. That’s kinda the point, and I do like the very end, which gives a well earned glimpse of hope. Still not sure it needed to be as long as it was, but writer/director Kenneth Lonergan clearly knows what he’s doing, and even the extraneous bits feel exquisitely observed (in particular, the “band practice” scenes are probably unnecessary, even if they’re brilliantly conceived and executed).

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • The Mermaid – Stephen Chow’s latest certainly fits his particular brand of manic nonsense. It’s funny (I particularly enjoyed the police sketch artist bit), even if some of the gags don’t quite survive translation and the tone (especially towards the end) is a little unsteady.

    The Mermaid

    Still, Chow’s kinetic genius is on full display, and this is well worth a watch.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Moana – Disney continues a strong run of animated hits of late, and this Polynesian-inspired tale of adventure hits the mark. As musical numbers go, this one has more memorable bits than La La Land (if not quite as numerous), and a more exciting story too. It’s a lot of fun.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Moonlight – A character study divided into three sections, titled “Little,” “Chiron,” and “Black,” each a name our protagonist adopts at a different stage of life. It’s strongest in its first third, anchored by Mahershala Ali’s performance as a drug dealer who helps out a kid (“Little”) being chased by bullies. Impeccably crafted and empathetic, this is the critics’ choice of the year, and I can see why, even if these sorts of movies don’t appeal to me as much.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping – Comedies get short shrift in the end-of-the-year hustle, but this one seems to have struck a nerve. Another musically inclined film that deserves recognition, and it’s quite funny too. Pleasantly silly and sharp. Well worth a watch.

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

  • Sing Street – Of the musically inclined movies of the year, this one is the most joyous and entertaining. Writer/director John Carney has carved out this niche of musicians discovering one another through collaboration, and while this tale of a young boy starting a band to impress a girl might seem cliched, it still works. It was a great movie to catch up with after wading through depressing end-of-year fare (not to mention the election). It’s on Netflix instant and it’s a big ball of fun, watch it!

    More Info: [IMDB] [Amazon]

Just Missed the Cut:

But still worthwhile, in their own way. Presented without comment and in no particular order:

Should Have Seen:

Despite having seen 78 of this year’s movies (and listing out 30+ of my favorites in this post), there are a few that got away. Or never made themselves available here. Regardless, there are several movies here that I probably should have caught up with:

That about covers it! Stay tuned for some Oscars commentary next week, after which we’ll probably return to some SF and books…

2016 Kaedrin Movie Awards: The Arbitrary Awards

We announced the official 2016 Kaedrin Movie Award winners last week, but while a purpose of those awards is to throw a spotlight on movies that aren’t traditionally recognized by awards or top 10 lists, the categories don’t always perfectly capture everything they should. Sometimes movies are weird or flawed in ways that don’t fit quite right, but they still deserve acknowledgement. The point of the Arbitrary Awards is to highlight these oddities. A few of these “awards” have become an annual tradition, but most are just, well, arbitrary. Let’s get to it:

  • The “You know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else” Award for Worst Dialogue: Suicide Squad. Pretty much anything Rick Flagg says in the movie qualifies, but the real howler is his introduction of Katana: “This is Katana. She’s got my back. She can cut all of you in half with one sword stroke, just like mowing the lawn. I would advise not getting killed by her. Her sword traps the souls of its victims.” Perfectly delivered, cringe-inducing exposition there… As runner up, there are a couple of candidates. Ghostbusters has a “That’s gonna leave a mark” joke, which was tired and hackey, like, 30 years ago (and don’t get me started on “You just got Holtzmanned baby!”). Blair Witch has some of the least deft exposition of the year as well.
  • The Proximity to Jason Vorhees Award for Heroic Stupidity: Blair Witch. Some really dumb stuff here, like taking off shoes to cross a river, or to climb up to the top of the tree to retrieve a broken drone that you know wouldn’t help, or figuring out that facing the corner prevents the Blair Witch from attacking… then turning around to face the Blair Witch for no reason. Sheesh.
  • Best Hero/Badass (Non-Human Edition):The Cloak of Levitation from Doctor Strange. In a year of lackluster heroics, this cape really stepped up. In fact, I’m more excited about this “character” than the one who won the human-centered award. I suppose I could have relaxed the rules and whatnot, but I’ll settle for the Arbitrary Award.
  • Best Long Take/Tracking Shot: La La Land, particularly the opening sequence, which might be one of those things that is a compilation of several long takes assembled in a way to appear like one really big long take, but who cares, it’s delightful.
  • Most Action Packed Long Take: London Has Fallen. Say what you will about this movie’s reactionary sentiments, it still has one of the most thrilling action sequences of the year, as Gerard Butler makes his way towards an enemy stronghold in a single take. Lots of moving parts, a bravura sequence worthy of recognition.
  • Best Historical Reenactment: Sully. The rest of the movie is somewhat tame, exaggerated yet paint-by-numbers drama, but the reenactment of the airplane crash at the heart of the film (seen multiple times, from multiple perspectives) is exceedingly well done and worth the price of admission alone.
  • Biggest Balls Award: Phantasm: Ravager. Ba dum tsss!
  • Best Waitress of the Year: Margaret Bowman as T-Bone Waitress in Hell or High Water. Total scene stealer, one of the best scenes of the year. “Ain’t nobody ever ordered nothing but a T-Bone steak and baked potato. Except one time, this asshole from New York ordered a trout, back in 1987. We ain’t got no goddamned trout.”
  • Best Soundtrack: Sing Street. If you’re into 80s music, at least. I didn’t exactly do a thorough accounting of the year’s soundtracks, but I knew I wanted to recognize this movie somehow and this seemed like the best way to do it. If you haven’t seen it and enjoy 80s music, get thee to Netflix, post haste.
  • Best Alcohol Reference: Sour Grapes. Fascinating documentary about rare wine fraud that is well worth your time, even if you’re not a booze hound.

Let’s give our winners a round of applause. Stay tuned for the top 10 of 2016, coming next week! After that, we’ll wrap of 2016 movie season with some Oscar commentary and whatnot…

2016 Kaedrin Movie Award Winners!

The nominations for the 2016 Kaedrin Movie Awards were announced a couple weeks ago. I’m sure you’ve been waiting with bated breath, so today, I’ll be announcing the winners of said awards. Next week, I’ll cover less traditional categories in what we like to call the Arbitrary Awards, and not long after that, I’ll post my top 10 of 2016. Finally, we’ll have some Oscars talk (predictions and probably live-tweeting or retweeting funnier people than me) and then it’s on to 2017. Without further ado:

  • Best Villain/Badass: Darcy, played by Patrick Stewart in Green Room. Nothing worse than a calm, collected white supremecist who almost sounds reasonable… before he tries to kill you. There’s an understated menace to Stewart’s performance that really solidified his win in this category.

    Patrick Stewart is not a Nazi

    As for the other nominees, a shoutout to John Goodman’s turn in 10 Cloverfield Lane, a little more unhinged than Stewart, but no less menacing. Stephen Lang did great work in Don’t Breathe, believably blind but still, um, menacing. I seem to be using that word too much. Alas, Lang didn’t quite make the cut, mostly due to the scripted issue of that stupid turkey baster (which really held the movie back for me). Finally, I thought I’d give a shoutout to Black Phillip in The Witch, who could probably have taken this award in a weaker year, despite not even being human.

  • Best Hero/Badass: Wade / Deadpool, played by Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool. Sometimes when I’m figuring out nominees, I have an obvious winner in mind and am just filling in the rest of the slots out of obligation. Other times, I have no idea who will win, like this award. I’m actually a little surprised it came to this. Reynolds is, of course, perfect for the role, mixing the proper degrees of sophmoric humor and self-referential snark, and near as I can tell, he’s capturing what made the character so popular in the source material. Yet I can’t help but think the win here is due to a generally weak year for heroism. Indeed, as Deadpool opines repeatedly throughout the movie, he’s not even a hero! But the competition was pretty scarce this year. As runner up, I was seriously considering Russell Crowe’s bruiser from The Nice Guys. Gerard Butler’s throwback reactionary in London Has Fallen is so inappropriate that he almost crosses through to score an ironic win, but still can’t quite manage it. Sofia Boutella injected a much needed hit of energy into Star Trek Beyond, but the role is perhaps too small to really get there. I’m giving it to Deadpool, but honestly this was the toughest category to pick this year, and it could easily have moved to someone else depending on my mood. Get with the program Hollywood, we need better heroes.
  • Best Comedic Performance: Kate Beckinsale and Tom Bennet in Love & Friendship (tie) A cheat, to be sure, and emblematic of the challenge of this particular award. Standout comedic performances turn out to be somewhat rare. Instead, what we mostly get are great performances as part of an ensemble. In this case, we’ve got Kate Beckinsale schredding up the screen with her wry, manipulative wit, contrasted perfectly Tom Bennet’s delightful oaf. The “peas” scene alone is worth the win in this category.

    Love and Friendship

    Runner up would be Ryan Gosling in The Nice Guys, another unconventionally funny performance. Kate McKinnon’s mugging in Ghostbusters could be percieved as too showy, but I really enjoyed it (despite the ill-conceived “You just got Holtzmanned baby!” line, which is just abysmal). Other performances also good, but I was taken enough with Love & Friendship to give those performances the nod.

  • Breakthrough Performance: Alden Ehrenreich in Hail, Caesar!. In a movie filled with great moments, Alden Ehrenreich managed a couple of classics. First, you’ve got “Would that it ’twere so simple”, one of the best scenes from any movie of the year. Then, in a more subtle sequence, when Ehrenreich’s character is waiting for his date and pulls out a lasso and starts absent-mindeldy doing tricks with it, it’s just great. He’s going to be a star, and his casting as young Han Solo will probably really cement that in a couple years. Runner up, actually, is Janelle Monáe. She was great in Hidden Figures, but what made me bump her higher on the list was her supporting role in Moonlight. I think she’s going to do well in the next few years too. If I awarded this to the person with the best name, Royalty Hightower would obviously win (and she’s great in The Fits too, I guess). Brianna Hildebrand did a lot with a little in Deadpool, and Tom Holland managed to almost single-handedly save a languishing character with his tangential appearance in Captain America: Civil War. The future looks bright, is what I’m saying.
  • Most Visually Stunning: The Handmaiden. Usually this award goes to an arthouse flick so concerned with making things pretty that they forget to give the movie a story, but not this year. This is one of may favorite movies of the year, and it’s gorgeous to boot.
    The Handmaiden

    Actually not a ton of truly spectacular feasts for the eyes this year, though obviously all the other nominees were visually impressive. I’d probably go with The Witch as runner up, but who knows.

  • Best Sci-Fi or Horror Film: Arrival. SF has been making a pretty strong showing in the past few years, but that sort of fell off this year. Then again, the only true SF nominee is winning the award this year. It’s one of the few SF movies to genuinely capture the sense of wonder and conceptual breakthrough that I love so much in SF literature. True, it’s an adaptation of an award-winning novella, but while I wouldn’t go so far as to call it unfilmable, I think the film came out as good as I ever could have hoped for. Runner up is definitely The Witch, which I gather I enjoy more than most people. Indeed, these are probably my two favorite movies of the year.
  • Best Sequel/Reboot: 10 Cloverfield Lane. A generally tepid year for sequels, I think it’s telling that my choice doesn’t have much of a connection to its predecessor. That said, this movie was an unexpected and pleasant surprise. In a year of “Who wanted a sequel to that?” movies, this one actually delivered something solid. I also quite enjoyed Captain America: Civil War and Star Trek Beyond, which are vying it out for the number two slot in my head. Fortunately, we only really award the number one slot, so let’s move on.
  • Biggest Disappointment: Blair Witch. While not the worst movie of the year… or maybe even not the worst movie on this list, it was, in fact, the biggest disappointment. The reason for this is that I had much higher expectations for this movie than for anything else on the list, and I was really, really let down by the final product (i.e. this scored really poorly on Joe Posnanski’s Plus-Minus Scale). I’ve already laid out my disappointments on this, so I will move on. It’s bad. Runner up is Suicide Squad, mostly because I liked the concept and because those trailers really were fantastic. That being said, my guard was already up after years of DC movie ineptitude.
  • Best Action Sequences: Kill Zone 2. Perhaps an obscure choice and choosing martial arts movies feels like cheating, but this has some really solid action and while Tony Jaa hasn’t turned out to be quite the superstar we expected when he burst on the scene, he’s still fantastic at action. The airport setpiece in Captain America: Civil War is wonderful, though it suffers a bit because I don’t like seeing superheroes fight each other like that. London Has Fallen is worth mentioning for the bravura long-take assault on an enemy stronghold, and I enjoyed the other nominees welle enough as well.
  • Best Plot Twist/Surprise: Arrival. I often try to spread around these awards to different movies, but I can’t help myself here. To complicate matters, the runner up would be The Handmaiden, which also already has an award. I suppose even mentioning that there’s a twist is a bit of a spoiler, but I will refrain from more detailed discussions here. THis was actually a pretty good year for this sort of thing, with the rest of the nominees that too far behind the winner…
  • Best High Concept Film: The Lobster. Look, Yorgos Lanthimos pretty much has a lock on this category. This story is about single people who are sent to a hotel to find a romantic partner in forty-five days or they will be transformed into an animal and sent out into the wild (our protagonist chooses a Lobster). It’s a fascinating movie. Not sure how much I really like it, but whatever you may think of it, it doesn’t get more high concept than that.
  • 2016’s 2015 Movie of the Year: JoyThis category grew out of a specific year in which I managed to catch up with a couple of movies that I truly loved, but too far into the following year to give them any love. The problem is that I normally manage to see most movies that I think I’ll love before the year runs out. So I’m not entirely sure about this category. I did wind up enjoying Joy though. It’s a bit of a mess, but it holds a certain personal connection and has some bits that work pretty well for me, so it gets the award. The other nominees were all worthwhile, but none of the nominees would really break into last year’s top 10…

Up next is the fabled Arbitrary Awards, followed by my top 10 and finally the Oscars. Stay tuned!

Professor Moriarty’s Notoriously Nettlesome and Nefarious New Year’s Day 2017 Movie Quiz

Dennis Cozzalio of the Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule blog has posted another of his famous movie quizes, and as always, I’m excited to participate. Previous installments answering questions from Professor Hubert Farnsworth, David Huxley, Professor Fate, Professor Russell Johnson, Dr. Smith, Professor Peabody, Professor Severus Snape, Professor Ed Avery, Dr. Anton Phibes, Sister Clodagh, Professor Arthur Chipping, Miss Jean Brodie, Professor Larry Gopnick, Professor Dewey Finn, Ms. Elizabeth Halsey, Professor Abraham Setrakian, Mr. Dadier, and Professor Abronsius are also available. Let’s get to it:

1) Best movie of 2016

Not to take the wind out of my forthcoming top 10 list’s sails, but my favorite movie of the year (that I’ve managed to see, at least) is Arrival. It has many qualities to like and perhaps a few flaws, but more than anything else, I adore this movie because it brings a certain sense of wonder and conceptual breakthrough that is common in SF literature to the screen (where it is nearly absent).

Arrival

2) Worst movie of 2016

A tough choice. I watch a lot of movies, so there are several contenders here, but I’m not a critic who is forced to watch some truly interminable movies on a semi-regular basis, so my available choices are probably not authoritative enough. Also, in deference to the Biggest Disappointment category in this year’s Kaedrin Movie Awards, I will go with something I just saw called Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things. I was hoping this would be about visual design, but it’s really just a documentary following a bunch of ridiculously photogenic rich people who made terrible decisions about their goals in life but were nonetheless able to opt out of the traditional capitalist lifestyle. They mostly come off as bland, boring versions Tyler Durden who can’t even throw a punch. The ideas behind the movement aren’t terrible, per say, but this movie doesn’t do a good job exploring or interrogating them or those who espouse them. Minimalism is alright, but this documentary taught me that minimalists are the worst.

3) Best actress of 2016

I haven’t seen some of the heavy-hitters in this category yet, but I was quite taken with Kate Beckinsale in Love & Friendship. As someone not predisposed to enjoying period costume dramas, I attribute a big portion of my enjoyment of this movie to Beckinsale’s sharply comic turn as a manipulative widow.

Kate Beckinsale

4) Best actor of 2016

Once again, I haven’t seen some of the favored few in this category yet, but the obvious choice that I have seen is Casey Affleck in Manchester by the Sea. A boring choice, perhaps, but what are you going to do? Stop reading? NO, don’t stop. Please don’t stop. I’ll be good.

5) What movie from 2016 would you prefer not hearing another word about? Why?

I’m sick of hearing certain people say that Moonlight is the best movie of the year and then pivoting to complaining about how they’re superior to everyone else because they will go for La La Land. The one caveat I have here is that I have not seen this movie yet, and thus I could be in for a Short Term 12-style reversal of opinion. (Update! I have just seen Moonlight. It’s very good, but to my mind, not the obvious #1 critics seem to unanimously proclaim. I would say that though. I’m the worst.)

6) Second-favorite Olivier Assayas movie

I’ve only seen the three part Carlos, so I guess I could pick one of those (it would be one of the two that didn’t cover the OPEC raid). Cheating? I’m good with that for now.

7) Miriam Hopkins or Kay Francis?

I’ve seen more Miriam Hopkins, but I don’t really know either of these actresses so… mulligan!

8) What’s the story of your first R-rated movie?

Nothing particularly exciting about the story except that the movie was The Terminator, which remains one of my all-time favorite movies. I’d like to think this is based on more than just nostalgia and I do believe the movie holds up well, but I can’t quite rule out my history with the film either. That being said, who cares, the movie is awesome.

The Terminator

9) What movie from any era that you haven’t yet seen would you be willing to resolve to see before this day next year?

I am woefully inexperienced with French New Wave films. I’ve seen several, for sure, but some of the most influential examples elude me. I know, I’m the worst. I will resolve to watch Breathless this year. I’d still have a lot of movies to watch, but it’s a start, right?

10) Second-favorite Pedro Almodovar movie

On second thought, perhaps I should resolve to watch more Almodovar. The answer here is Volver by default (i.e. I’ve only seen two Almodovar movies).

11) What movie do you think comes closest to summing up or otherwise addressing the qualities of 2016?

It’s tempting to resort to something snarky, like Titanic, but there’s got to be something more insightful, right? Nah, let’s go with The Final Conflict instead.

12) Chris Pine or Chris Pratt?

An interesting pairing that is roughly equivalent. Pratt has more innate charisma and comic timing, but Pine seems to have more range. Based on their current filmographies, I’d go Pratt, but Pine has the potential to overtake.

13) Your favorite movie theater, presently or from the past

I couldn’t think of a theater that wasn’t interchangeable with dozens of others until I remembered that I spent a week in Austin at the Alamo Draft House, at which point the answer became crystal clear. The South Lamar location that I remember fondly has apparently even been refurbished, so I’m sure it’s even better now. Regardless, the thing that made it great was the intangibles like the attitude and philosophy of the company and even the customers.

14) Favorite movie involving a family celebration

Was having trouble with this one and started looking around. Found Dogtooth which fits, in an odd sort of way. I guess. I mean, oof.

15) Second-favorite Paul Schrader movie

I usually read these questions to refer to the person in question’s directorial efforts, but in this case, I’m going with Schrader’s screenwriting, which leads me to Raging Bull.

16) Ruth Negga or Hayley Atwell?

Hayley Atwell is clearly the winner in terms of Marvel properties here, though Ruth Negga seems to have the buzz for her work in film this year. Alas, I have not seen Loving yet, so Atwell carries the day.

17) Last three movies you saw, in any format

Beware the Slenderman, an HBO true crime documentary about the infamous 2014 stabbing inspired by an internet boogeyman. Well done, affecting, and thought provoking.

Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things, of which I’ve already said too much.

The Handmaiden, Chan-wook Park’s latest, which immediately rocketed into my top 10 list for 2016. Twisty, turny, and beautiful.

18) Your first X-rated, or porn movie?

Apparently A Clockwork Orange was rated X, so there you have it.

19) Richard Boone or Charles McGraw?

Charles McGraw, for I have seen more of his movies. I know this sort of criteria is probably not the point of these types of questions, but it does make them easy to answer, that’s for sure.

20) Second-favorite Chan-wook Park movie

On the other hand, sometimes I’ve actually seen the majority of someone’s filmography and struggle mightily to find a good answer. Here it is a toss-up between Oldboy and The Handmaiden. Since I’ve only just seen The Handmaiden recently, let’s give it to Oldboy, eh? (Incidentally, Lady Vengeance is my favorite, which I gather is an unconventional choice.)

21) Movie that best encompasses or expresses loneliness

Taxi Driver‘s portrait of “God’s lonely man” Travis Bickle comes to mind.

Taxi Driver

22) What’s your favorite movie to watch with your best friend?

Top movie watching buddies usually go for new movies we haven’t seen. That said, we’ve probably watched some early aughts comedy too many times, something like Old School or Anchorman.

23) Who’s the current actor you most look forward to seeing in 2017?

Part of the reason my answers to questions #3 and 4 were so lackluster is that I apparently have an attitude towards actors similar to Hitchcock’s: “All actors are cattle.” Alright, so I would probably never declare such a dismissive thing myself, but I do tend to gravitate more towards directors and story than acting. Big acting showcases often leave me a bit cold, and thus I don’t really have much of an answer to this question.

24) Your New Year’s wish for the movies

I wish something other than sequels and remakes could break through and teach Hollywood to move in a more original direction, but I’m not holding my breath and past success on this front hasn’t exactly helped. I suppose I should also wish that if you’re going to make sequels and remakes, at least make them well. I thought they had a pretty good handle on this in the past few years, with truly fabulous stuff like Mad Max: Fury Road, Creed, and whatever you consider the Marvel movies (which did alright this year, to be sure). Some good potential this year, but I guess we’ll have to wait and watch and see.

Stay tuned, Kaedrin Movie Award winners will be announced next week!