Culture

Heuristics of Combat

Otherwise known as Murphy’s laws of Combat, most of which are derived from Murphy’s more general law: “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.” Soldiers often add to this what is called O’Neil’s Law: “Murphy was an optimist.”

War is, of course, a highly unstable and chaotic undertaking. Combat and preparation are beset on all sides by unanticipated problems, especially during the opening stages of combat, when all of the theoretical constructs, plans, and doctrines are put to the test. Infantrymen are a common victim of Murhpy’s Law, and have thus codified their general observations in a list of Murphy’s laws of Combat. Naturally, there are many variations of the list, but I’ll only be referencing a few rules because I think they’re a rather telling example of heuristics in use.

Most of the rules are concise and somewhat humorous (if it weren’t for the subject matter) bits of wisdom such as “Incoming fire has the right of way,” and though some are indeed factual, most are based on general observations or are meant to imply a heuristic. For instance:

Always keep in mind that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

This is, of course, a fact: most of the time, weapons are made by the lowest bidder. And yet, there is an unmistakable conclusion that one is supposed to reach when reading this rule: your weapon won’t always work the way it is supposed to. That is also true, but it is worth noting that one must still rely on their weapon. If a soldier refused to fight unless he had a perfect weapon, he would never fight! This is an example of a heuristic which one must be aware of, but which one must use with caution. Weapons must be used, after all.

Perfect plans aren’t

No plan survives the first few seconds of combat.

A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

These laws refer to the difficulty in planning an action during the chaotic and unpredictable atmosphere of war. To go into battle without a plan is surely foolish, and yet, ironically, the plan rarely survives in tact (interestingly, these laws which indicate a failure of one heuristic, the necessity of planning, have become another: don’t blindly follow the plan, especially when events don’t conform to the plan). The ability to adapt and improvise is thus a treasured characteristic in a soldier.

I recently watched a few episodes of the excellent Band of Brothers series, and in one episode, a group of US soldiers assault a German artillery battery. Lieutenant Winters, the man planning the attack, instructs Sergeant�Lipton that he’ll need TNT the moment his group reaches the first gun (so they can blow it up).

Of course, it doesn’t quite go as planned, and Lipton is held up crossing the battlefield. Winters improvises, using what he has available (another soldier had some TNT, but no way to detonate it, so they used a German grenade they found in the nest). Once Lipton finally reaches Winters with the TNT, Winters simply points to the busted gun, illustrating the the plan has not survived.

 

If it wasn’t war, the futility of Lipton’s actions would have been a comical moment. Instead it is somewhat infuriating. I don’t think his TNT was ever actually used, even though all 4 guns were taken out during the battle…

A couple of times above, I’ve said that something might be funny, if it wasn’t about war, which was a point I sort of made in my earlier post:

When you’re me, rooting for a sports team or betting modest amounts of money on a race, failure doesn’t mean much. In other situations, however, failure is not so benign. Yet, despite the repercussions, failure is still inevitable and necessary in these situations. In the case of war, for instance, this can be indeed difficult and heartbreaking, but no less necessary.

When planning a war, it is necessary to rely on heuristics because you may not have all the information you need or the information you have might not be as accurate as you think. Unfortunately, there is no real way around this. Soldiers are forced to make decisions without all the facts, and must rely on imprerfect techniques to do so. It is a simple fact of life, and we would do well to consider these sorts of things when viewing battles from afar. For while it may seem like a war that exhibits such chaos and unpredictabilty is a failure, such is not really the case. In closing, I’ll leave you with yet another law of combat, one I find particularly fitting:

If it’s stupid but works, it’s not stupid.

Security Beliefs

Last week, I wrote about superstition, inspired by an Isaac Asimov article called “Knock Plastic!” In revisiting that essay, I find that Asimov has collected 6 broad examples of what he calls “Security Beliefs” They are called this because such beliefs are “so comforting and so productive of feelings of security” that all men employ them from time to time. Here they are:

  1. There exist supernatural forces that can be cajoled or forced into protecting mankind.
  2. There is no such thing, really, as death.
  3. There is some purpose to the Universe.
  4. Individuals have special powers that will enable them to get something for nothing.
  5. You are better than the next fellow.
  6. If anything goes wrong, it’s not one’s own fault.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these things, and the extent to which they manifest in my life. When asked to explain my actions (usually only to myself), I can usually come up with a pretty good reason for doing what I did. But did I really do it for that reason?

Last week, I also referenced this: “It seems that our brains are constantly formulating alternatives, and then rejecting most of them at the last instant.” What process do we use to reject the alternatives and eventually select the winner? I’d like to think it was something logical and rational, but that strikes me as something of a security belief in itself (or perhaps just a demonstration of Asimov’s 5th security belief).

When we refer to logic, we are usually referring to a definitive conclusion that can be inferred from the evidence at hand. Furthermore, this deductive process is highly objective and repeatable, meaning that multiple people working under the same rules with the same evidence should all get the same (correct) answer. Obviously, this is a very valuable process; mathematics, for instance, is based on deductive logic.

However, there are limits to this kind of logic, and there are many situations in which it does not apply. For example, we are rarely in possession of all the evidence necessary to come to a logical conclusion. In such cases, decisions are often required, and we must fall back on some other form of reasoning. This is usually referred to as induction. This is usally based on some set of heuristics, or guidelines, which we have all been maintaining during the course of our lives. We produce this set of guidelines by extrapolating from our experiences, and by sharing our observations. Unlike deductive logic, it appears that this process is something that is innate, or at the very least, something that we are bred to do. It also appears that this process is very useful, as it allows us to operate in situations which we do not uderstand. We won’t exactly know why we’re acting the way we are, just that our past experience has shown that acting that way is good. It is almost a non-thinking process, and we all do it constantly.

The problem with this process is that it is inherently subjective and not always accurate. This process is extremely useful, but it doesn’t invariably produce the desired results. Superstitions are actually heuristics, albeit generally false ones. But they arise because producing such explanations are a necessary part of our life. We cannot explain everything we see, and since we often need to act on what we see, we must rely on less than perfect heuristics and processes.

Like it or not, most of what we do is guided by these imperfect processes. Strangely, these non-thinking processes work exceedingly well; so much so that we are rarely inclined to think that there is anything “wrong” with our behavior. I recently stumbled upon this, by Dave Rodgers:

Most of the time, people have little real idea why they do the things they do. They just do them. Mostly the reasons why have to do with emotions and feelings, and little to nothing to do with logic or reason. Those emotions and feelings are the products of complex interactions between certain hardwired behaviors and perceptual receivers; a set of beliefs that are cognitively accessible, but most often function below the level of consciousness in conjunction with the more genetically fixed apparatus mentioned before; and certain habits of behavior which are also usually unconscious. …

If we’re asked “why” we did something, most of the time we’ll be able to craft what appears to be a perfectly rational explanation. That explanation will almost invariably involve making assertions that cast ourselves in the best light. That is to say, among the set of possible explanations, we will choose the ones that make us feel best about ourselves. Some people have physical or mental deficiencies that cause them to make the opposite choice, but similar errors occur in either case. The explanation will not rely on the best available evidence, but instead will rely on ambiguous or incomplete information that is difficult to thoroughly refute, or false information which is nevertheless contained within the accepted set of shared beliefs, and which allows us to feel as good or bad about ourselves as we feel is normal.

Dave seems to think that the processes I’m referring to are “emotional” and “feeling” based but I am not sure that is so. Extrapolating from a set of heuristics doesn’t seem like an emotional process to me, but at this point we reach a rather pedantic discussion of what “emotion” really is.

The point here is that our actions aren’t always pefectly reasonable or rational, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. If we could not act unless we could reach a logical conclusion, we would do very little. We do things because they work, not necessarily because we reasoned that they would work before we did them. Afterwords, we justify our actions, and store away any learned heuristics for future use (or modify existing ones to account for the new data). Most of the time, this process works. However, these heuristics will fail from time to time as well. When you’re me, rooting for a sports team or betting modest amounts of money on a race, failure doesn’t mean much. In other situations, however, failure is not so benign. Yet, despite the repercussions, failure is still inevitable and necessary in these situations. In the case of war, for instance, this can be indeed difficult and heartbreaking, but no less necessary. [thanks to Jonathon Delacour for the Dave Rodgers post]

Superstition

On of my favorite anecdotes (probably apocryphal, as these things usually go) tells of a horseshoe that hung on the wall over Niels Bohr’s desk. One day, an exasperated visitor could not help asking, “Professor Bohr, you are one of the world’s greatest scientists. Surely you cannot believe that object will bring you good luck.” “Of course not,” Bohr replied, “but I understand it brings you luck whether you believe or not.”

I’ve had two occasions with which to be obsessively superstitious this weekend. The first was Saturday night’s depressing Flyers game. Due to poorly planned family outing (thanks a lot Mike!), I missed the first period and a half of the game. During that time, the Flyers went down 2-0. As soon as I started watching, they scored a goal, much to my relief. But as the game grinded to a less than satisfactory close, I could not help but think, what if I had been watching for that first period?

Even as I thought that, though, I recognized how absurd and arrogant a thought like that is. As a fan, I obviously cannot participate in the game, but all fans like to believe they are a factor in the outcome of the game and will thus go to extreme superstitious lengths to ensure the team wins. That way, there is some sort of personal pride to be gained (or lost, in my case) from the team winning, even though there really isn’t.

I spent the day today at the Belmont Racetrack, betting on the ponies. Longtime readers know that I have a soft spot for gambling, but that I don’t do it very often nor do I ever really play for high stakes. One of the things I really enjoy is people watching, because some people go to amusing lengths to perform superstitious acts that will bring them that mystical win.

One of my friends informed me of his superstitious strategy today. His entire betting strategy dealt with the name of the horse. If the horse’s name began with an “S” (i.e. Secretariat, Seabiscuit, etc…) it was bound to be good. He also made an impromptu decision that names which displayed alliteration (i.e. Seattle Slew, Barton Bank, etc…) were also more likely to win. So today, when he spied “Seaside Salute” in the program, which exhibited both alliteration and the letter “S”, he decided it was a shoe-in! Of course, he only bet it to win, and it placed, thus he got screwed out of a modest amount of money.

John R. Velazquez, aboard Maddalena, rides to win the first race at Churchill DownsLike I should talk. My entire betting strategy revolves around John R. Velazquez, the best jockey in the history of horse racing. This superstition did not begin with me, as several friends discovered this guy a few years ago, but it has been passed on and I cannot help but believe in the power of JRV. When I bet on him, I tend to win. When I bet against him, he tends to be riding the horse that screws me over. As a result, I need to seriously consider the consequences of crossing JRV whenever I choose to bet on someone else.

Now, if I were to collect historical data regarding my bets for or against JRV (which is admittedly a very small data set, and thus not terribly conclusive either way, but stay with me here) I wouldn’t be surprised to find that my beliefs are unwarranted. But that is the way of the superstition – no amount of logic or evidence is strong enough to be seriously considered (while any supporting evidence is, of course, trumpeted with glee).

Now, I don’t believe for a second that watching the Flyers makes them play better, nor do I believe that betting on (or against) John R. Velazquez will increase (or decrease) my chances of winning. But I still think those things… after all, what could I lose?

This could be a manifestation of a few different things. It could be a relatively benign “security belief” (or “pleasing falsehood” as some like to call it – I’m sure there are tons of names for it) which, as long as you realize what you’re dealing with can actually be fun (as my obsession with JRV is). It could also be brought on by what Steven Den Beste calls the High cliff syndrome.

It seems that our brains are constantly formulating alternatives, and then rejecting most of them at the last instant. … All of us have had the experience of thinking something which almost immediately horrified us, “Why would I think such a thing?” I call it “High cliff syndrome”.

At a viewpoint in eastern Oregon on the Crooked River, looking over a low stone fence into a deep canyon with sheer walls, a little voice inside me whispered, “Jump!” AAAGH! I became nervous, and my palms started sweating, and I decided I was no longer having fun and got back into my car and continued on my way.

It seems to be one of the profound truths of human existence that we can conceive of impossible situations that we know will never be possible. None of us are immune, from one of the great scientific minds of our time to the lowliest casino hound. This essay was, in fact, inspired by an Isaac Asimov essay called “Knock Plastic!” (as published in Magic) in which Asimov confesses his habitual knocking of wood (of course, he became a little worried over the fact that natural wood was being used less and less in ordinary construction… until, of course, someone introduced him to the joys of knocking on plastic). The insights driven by such superstitious “security beliefs” must indeed be kept into perspective, but that includes realizing that we all think these things and that sometimes, it really can’t hurt to indulge in a superstition.

Update: More on Security Beliefs here.

Let’s Go Flyers!

I don’t write about hockey much, but since my Flyers decided to make tonight interesting with their overtime goal in a must-win game, I figured I was due. I’ve never really played hockey, so I can’t say as though I have a true understanding of the game, but I can follow it well and even though NHL 2004 has eaten my soul, those EA Sports games have always helped me understand the real game better. Fortunately for me, Colby Cosh has been writing really solid stuff on his 2004 NHL Playoffs page. He actually hasn’t posted there for a while (no round 3 notes, it seems), but what’s there is still worth reading. Here he describes the epic overtime victory by the Flyers over the Maple Leafs, ending the second round of the playoffs:

I have to say that the Toronto Maple Leafs–in dying–made up for 13 games’ worth of intermittently lackluster play in the seven minutes of overtime against Philadelphia Tuesday night. If I had to show a foreigner a short piece of hockey footage to help him understand the excitement this game can create, I’d show him that OT. It wasn’t just the way things ended, although that right there is a story for the grandkids. Even before the all-century finish, the seven minutes were full of odd-man rushes, wildly bouncing pucks, great saves by Robert Esche followed by heart-stopping rebounds, and other terrific hits.

Then Darcy Tucker, our generation’s Eddie Shack, flattened Sami Kapanen with the most devastating, gasp-inducing hit you will ever see in sudden-death overtime. It wasn’t “Is there a doctor in the house?”–it was “Is there a priest?”. Kapanen, only twenty feet or so from the Philly bench, staged an epic mini-drama–alas, seen only later in replays–as he struggled valiantly to leave the ice, falling three times and losing his grip on his stick. He didn’t know his own name during those seconds, but he did the right thing. If he’d stayed down and tried to draw a charging penalty, play would have stopped. Instead, Kapanen was physically hauled over the boards by the off-ice Flyers, and Jeremy Roenick–himself playing with a shattered face and a largely fused spine–vaulted over him to set up a winning two-on-one. You don’t get this kind of stuff in baseball.

Tonights playoffs had a similarly exciting feel to it, though perhaps not quite as spectacular as there wasn’t as much freewheeling back-and-forth play (but since most of the play included the Flyers in the offensive zone, it was damn exciting for me:P) With any luck, the Flyers will be able to harness that momentum for game 7 and then head for the Stanley Cup.

If the Flyers can pull this off, I think we’ll be in for a spectacular Stanley Cup finals. Both Keith Primeau and Jarome Iginla have been obscenely dominant clutch players during the playoffs, and they’re both really nice guys. It should make for a great series. But first things first. The Flyers need to win game 7 in Tampa on Saturday! Go Flyers!

The Unglamorous March of Technology

We live in a truly wondrous world. The technological advances over just the past 100 years are astounding, but, in their own way, they’re also absurd and even somewhat misleading, especially when you consider how these advances are discovered. More often than not, we stumble onto something profound by dumb luck or by brute force. When you look at how a major technological feat was accomplished, you’d be surprised by how unglamorous it really is. That doesn’t make the discovery any less important or impressive, but we often take the results of such discoveries for granted.

For instance, how was Pi originally calculated? Chris Wenham provides a brief history:

So according to the Bible it’s an even 3. The Egyptians thought it was 3.16 in 1650 B.C.. Ptolemy figured it was 3.1416 in 150 AD. And on the other side of the world, probably oblivious to Ptolemy’s work, Zu Chongzhi calculated it to 355/113. In Bagdad, circa 800 AD, al-Khwarizmi agreed with Ptolemy; 3.1416 it was, until James Gregory begged to differ in the late 1600s.

Part of the reason why it was so hard to find the true value of Pi (π) was the lack of a good way to precisely measure a circle’s circumference when your piece of twine would stretch and deform in the process of taking it. When Archimedes tried, he inscribed two polygons in a circle, one fitting inside and the other outside, so he could calculate the average of their boundaries (he calculated ? to be 3.1418). Others found you didn’t necessarily need to draw a circle: Georges Buffon found that if you drew a grid of parallel lines, each 1 unit apart, and dropped a pin on it that was also 1 unit in length, then the probability that the pin would fall across a line was 2/π. In 1901, someone dropped a pin 34080 times and got an average of 3.1415929.

π is an important number and being able to figure out what it is has played a significant factor in the advance of technology. While all of these numbers are pretty much the same (to varying degrees of precision), isn’t it absurd that someone figured out π by dropping 34,000 pins on a grid? We take π for granted today; we don’t have to go about finding the value of π, we just use it in our calculations.

In Quicksilver, Neal Stephenson portrays several experiments performed by some of the greatest minds in history, and many of the things they did struck me as especially unglamorous. Most would point to the dog and bellows scene as a prime example of how unglamorous the unprecedented age of discovery recounted in the book really was (and they’d be right), but I’ll choose something more mundane (page 141 in my edition):

“Help me measure out three hundred feet of thread,” Hooke said, no longer amused.

They did it by pulling the thread off of a reel, and stretching it alongside a one-fathom-long rod, and counting off fifty fathoms. One end of the thread, Hooke tied to a heavy brass slug. He set the scale up on the platform that Daniel had improvised over the mouth of the well, and put the slug, along with its long bundle of thread, on the pan. He weighed the slug and thread carefully – a seemingly endless procedure disturbed over and over by light gusts of wind. To get a reliable measurement, they had to devote a couple of hours to setting up a canvas wind-screen. Then Hooke spent another half hour peering at the scale’s needle through a magnifying lens while adding or subtracting bits of gold foil, no heavier than snowflakes. Every change caused the scale to teeter back and forth for several minutes before settling into a new position. Finally, Hooke called out a weight in pounds, ounces, grains, and fractions of grains, and Daniel noted it down. Then Hooke tied the free end of the thread to a little eye he had screwed on the bottom of the pan, and he and Daniel took turns lowering the weight into the well, letting it drop a few inches at a time – if it got to swinging, and scraped against the chalky sides of the hole, it would pick up a bit of extra weight, and ruin the experiment. When all three hundred feet had been let out, Hooke went for a stroll, because the weight was swinging a little bit, and its movements would disturb the scale. Finally, it settled down enough that he could go back to work with his magnifying glass and his tweezers.

And, of course, the experiment was a failure. Why? The scale was not precise enough! The book is filled with similar such experiments, some successful, some not.

Another example is telephones. Pick one up, enter a few numbers on the keypad and voila! you’re talking to someone halfway across the world. Pretty neat, right? But how does that system work, behind the scenes? Take a look at the photo on the right. This is a typical intersection in a typical American city, and it is absolutely absurd. Look at all those wires! Intersections like that are all over the world, which is the part of the reason I can pick up my phone and talk to someone so far away. One other part of the reason I can do that is that almost everyone has a phone. And yet, this system is perceived to be elegant.

Of course, the telephone system has grown over the years, and what we have now is elegant compared to what we used to have:

The engineers who collectively designed the beginnings of the modern phone system in the 1940’s and 1950’s only had mechanical technologies to work with. Vacuum tubes were too expensive and too unreliable to use in large numbers, so pretty much everything had to be done with physical switches. Their solution to the problem of “direct dial” with the old rotary phones was quite clever, actually, but by modern standards was also terribly crude; it was big, it was loud, it was expensive and used a lot of power and worst of all it didn’t really scale well. (A crossbar is an N� solution.) … The reason the phone system handles the modern load is that the modern telephone switch bears no resemblance whatever to those of 1950’s. Except for things like hard disks, they contain no moving parts, because they’re implemented entirely in digital electronics.

So we’ve managed to get rid of all the moving parts and make things run more smoothly and reliably, but isn’t it still an absurd system? It is, but we don’t really stop to think about it. Why? Because we’ve hidden the vast and complex backend of the phone system behind innocuous looking telephone numbers. All we need to know to use a telephone is how to operate it (i.e. how to punch in numbers) and what number we want to call. Wenham explains, in a different essay:

The numbers seem pretty simple in design, having an area code, exchange code and four digit number. The area code for Manhattan is 212, Queens is 718, Nassau County is 516, Suffolk County is 631 and so-on. Now let’s pretend it’s my job to build the phone routing system for Emergency 911 service in the New York City area, and I have to route incoming calls to the correct police department. At first it seems like I could use the area and exchange codes to figure out where someone’s coming from, but there’s a problem with that: cell phone owners can buy a phone in Manhattan and get a 212 number, and yet use it in Queens. If someone uses their cell phone to report an accident in Queens, then the Manhattan police department will waste precious time transferring the call.

Area codes are also used to determine the billing rate for each call, and this is another way the abstraction leaks. If you use your Manhattan-bought cell phone to call someone ten yards away while vacationing in Los Angeles, you’ll get charged long distance rates even though the call was handled by a local cell tower and local exchange. Try as you might, there is no way to completely abstract the physical nature of the network.

He also mentions cell phones, which are somewhat less absurd than plain old telephones, but when you think about it, all we’ve done with cell phones is abstract the telephone lines. We’re still connecting to a cell tower (which need to be placed with high frequency throughout the world) and from there, a call is often routed through the plain old telephone system. If we could see the RF layer in action, we’d be astounded; it would make the telephone wires look organized and downright pleasant by comparison.

The act of hiding the physical nature of a system behind an abstraction is very common, but it turns out that all major abstractions are leaky. But all leaks in an abstraction, to some degree, are useful.

One of the most glamorous technological advances of the past 50 years was the advent of space travel. Thinking of the heavens is indeed an awe-inspiring and humbling experience, to be sure, but when you start breaking things down to the point where we can put a man in space, things get very dicey indeed. When it comes to space travel, there is no more glamorous a person than the astronaut, but again, how does one become an astronaut? The need to pour through and memorize giant telephone-sized books filled with technical specifications and detailed schematics. Hardly a glamorous proposition.

Steven Den Beste recently wrote a series of articles concerning the critical characteristics of space warships, and it is fascinating reading, but one of the things that struck me about the whole concept was just how unglamorous space battles would be. It sounds like a battle using the weapons and defenses described would be punctuated by long periods of waiting followed by a short burst of activity in which one side was completely disabled. This is, perhaps, the reason so many science fiction movies and books seem to flaunt the rules of physics. As a side note, I think a spectacular film could be made while still obeying the rules of physics, but that is only because we’re so used to the absurd physics defying space battles.

None of this is to say that technological advances aren’t worthwhile or that those who discover new and exciting concepts are somehow not impressive. If anything, I’m more impressed at what we’ve achieved over the years. And yet, since we take these advances for granted, we marginalize the effort that went into their discovery. This is due in part to the necessary abstractions we make to implement various systems. But when abstractions hide the crude underpinnings of technology, we see that technology and its creation as glamorous, thus bestowing honors upon those who make the discovery (perhaps for the wrong reasons). It’s an almost paradoxal cycle. Perhaps because of this, we expect newer discoveries and innovations to somehow be less crude, but we must realize that all of our discoveries are inherently crude.

And while we’ve discovered a lot, it is still crude and could use improvements. Some technologies have stayed the same for thousands of years. Look at toilet paper. For all of our wondrous technological advances, we’re still wiping our ass with a piece of paper. The Japanese have the most advanced toilets in the world, but they’ve still not figured out a way to bypass the simple toilet paper (or, at least, abstract the process). We’ve got our work cut out for us. Luckily, we’re willing to go to absurd lengths to achieve our goals.

Iraqi Ghosts, Puritans, and Geeks

Just a few interesting things I’ve stumbled across recently:

  • Baghdad Journal Part 10: Yet another installment in Steve Mumford’s excellent series. As always, it’s an eye-opening look on the ground in Iraq. Great if you’re looking for a different perspective. If you like it, check out all of Mumford’s other articles. This time around, Mumford describes more of the interactions between American commanders and Iraqi leaders and people. This is, as always, fascinating reading. He even finds time to mention some ghost stories:

    You can still walk through the long empty corridors between companies and feel like there’s not a soul around. Except ghosts. One evening, Lt. Jack Nothstine takes me up to the second floor to poke around with flashlights. The miles of burned rooms and corridors are empty of anything other than broken glass, plaster and the hulks of old medical equipment. Wires are dangling from the ceilings.

    “One night I was coming up the stairs to take over guard duty on the roof. Just when I was passing the second floor I clearly heard children’s voices, speaking in Arabic, like they were playing. It was completely distinct. This base is in the middle of nowhere — there are no kids around for miles. I just ran!

    “A lot of guys have seen ghosts here. The medics have seen some of their patients that died on them.”

    Spooky. Read the whole thing.

  • Neal Stephenson Interview in Salon: A long and detailed interview with Neal Stephenson about his new book, The Confusion (the second in the Baroque Cycle, the first being Quicksilver). It’s at Salon, so you’ll need to sit through a commercial to get it, but it’s worth it… A short excerpt about Stephenson’s sympathetic treatment of the puritans in his novels:

    I have a perverse weakness for past generations that are universally reviled today. The Victorians have a real bad name, and the word “Puritan” is never used except in a highly pejorative way, despite the fact that there are very strong Victorian and Puritan threads in our society today, and despite the fact that the Victorians and Puritans built the countries that we live in.

  • I usually hate internet quiz type things, but I took the Polygeek quiz and the resulting paragraph described my life much more accurately than these things normally do:

    You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.

    Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend.

    You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You’ll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines!

    Geek [to You]: I’m givin’ her all she’s got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals!

    You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

    Wow. I was 32% geek, which sounds awfully low to me, but that paragraph is dead on:P

  • As you may have noticed, the random best entries picture is up (over there on the right). I’m still working on making images for several entries, but there are enough there for now… I’ve also updated my Links section of the website. It’s not perfect and I’m still missing lots of stuff, but it’s a start and it’s much better than what was there before.

That’s all for now, stay tuned for the unglamorous technology post (it’s coming, I swear!)

Quick Updates

Sorry for the lack of updates recently. I’ve been exceedingly busy lately, with no end in sight. And since my chain-smoking monkey research staff, emboldened by the Simpsons voice talent, have gone on strike, I don’t have a whole lot of stuff to even point to. However, I’d like to make a few quick updates to some recent posts:

  • Thinking about Security: At one point in this post, I mentioned this:

    …in order to make your computer invulnerable to external attacks from the internet, all you need to do is disconnect it from the internet. However, that means you can no longer access the internet! That is the price you pay for a perfectly secure solution to internet attacks. And it doesn’t protect against attacks from those who have physical access to your computer. Also, you presumably want to use the internet, seeing as though you had a connection you wanted to protect. The old saying still holds: A perfectly secure system is a perfectly useless system.

    Not too long after I wrote that, I recieved a notice at work saying that they were shutting down internet access due to a security vulnerability in some of the software we use. A week later, patches had been installed and we were back up and running. It was an interesting week, however, as we realized just how much we relied on internet access to do our jobs (us being a website and all!). So in cases like this, the pefectly secure but useless system can be acceptable for short periods of time. As a permanent solution, it simply wouldn’t work though…

  • Inherently Funny Words, Humor, and Howard Stern: I got to thinking after writing this about politically correct terminology, and I realized that one of Stern’s true strongpoints is his willingness to be politically incorrect, because the very act of railing against what is politically correct is funny in itself. A lot of humor is based on this sort of concept: it’s not funny because of what it depicts, it’s funny because it flies in the face of censorship. One of Stern’s funniest bits from his movie, for instance, was one in which he played a “complete the sentence” game with things like “blank a doodle doo”, which technically allowed him to say “cock” on the air. That’s funny, not because “cock” is funny, but because he wasn’t allowed to say it. In a world where we are forbidden to have blackboards in schools (because they’re racist!), it’s no wonder that people find political incorrectness funny. Personally, I try not to hurt anyone’s feelings when referring to them, but this stuff does get out of hand, and when people intentially break from the norm, it can be funny. Again, it may not be your thing, but it was just a thought…

That’s all for now. Hopefully, in a month or so, things will be slowing down and I’ll have more time to write. I still seem to be sticking to my schedule of posting every Sunday, but the weekday posts may be a bit scarce until things calm down.

Inherently Funny Words, Humor, and Howard Stern

Here’s a question: Which of the following words is most inherently funny?

  • Boob (and its variations, such as boobies and boobery)
  • Chinchilla
  • Aardvark
  • Urinal
  • Stroganoff
  • Poopie
  • Underpants
  • Underroos
  • Fart
  • Booger

Feel free to advocate your favorites or suggest new ones in the comments. Some words are just funny for no reason. Why is that? In Neil Simon’s The Sunshine Boys, a character says:

Words with a ‘k’ in it are funny. Alkaseltzer is funny. Chicken is funny. Pickle is funny. All with a ‘k’. ‘L’s are not funny. ‘M’s are not funny. Cupcake is funny. Tomatoes is not funny. Lettuce is not funny. Cucumber’s funny. Cab is funny. Cockroach is funny — not if you get ’em, only if you say ’em.

Well, that is certainly a start, but it doesn’t really tell the whole story. Words with an “oo” sound are also often funny, especially when used in reference to bodily functions (as in poop, doody, booger, boobies, etc…) In fact, bodily functions are just plain funny. Witness fart.

Of course, ultimately it’s a subjective thing. To me, boobies are funnier than breasts, even though they mean the same thing. To you, perhaps not. It’s the great mystery of humor, and one of the most beautiful things about laughter is that it happens involuntarily. We don’t (always) have to think about it, we just do it. Here’s a quote from Dennis Miller to illustrate the point:

The truth is the human sense of humor tends to be barbaric and it has been that way all along. I’m sure on the eve of the nativity when the tall Magi smacked his forehead on the crossbeam while entering the stable, Joseph took a second away from pondering who impregnated his wife and laughed his little carpenter ass off. A sense of humor is exactly that: a sense. Not a fact, not etched in stone, not an empirical math equation but just what the word intones: a sense of what you find funny. And obviously, everybody has a different sense of what’s funny. If you need confirmation on that I would remind you that Saved by the Bell recently celebrated the taping of their 100th episode. Oh well, one man’s Molier is another man’s Screech and you know something thats the way it should be.

There has been a lot of controversy recently about the FCC’s proposed fines against Howard Stern (which may have been temporarily postponed). Stern has been fined many times before, including “$600,000 after Stern discussed masturbating to a picture of Aunt Jemima.” Stern, of course, has flown off the handle at the prospect of new fines. Personally, I think he’s overreacting a bit by connecting the whole thing with Bush and the religious right, but part of the reason he is so successful is that his overreaction isn’t totally uncalled for. At the core of his argument is a serious concern about censorship, and a worry about the FCC abusing it’s authority.

On the other hand, some people don’t see what all the fuss is about. What’s wrong with having a standard for the public airwaves that broacasters must live up to? Well, in theory, nothing. I’m not wild about the idea, but there are things I can understand people not wanting to be broadcast over public airwaves. The problem here is what is acceptible.

Just what is the standard? Sure, you’ve got the 7 dirty words, that’s easy enough, but how do you define decency? The fines proposed against Stern are supposedly from a 3 year old broadcast. Does that sound right to you? Recently Stern wanted to do a game in which the loser had to let someone fart in their face. Now, I can understand some people thinking that’s not very nice, but does that qualify as “indecent”? Apparently, it might, and Stern was not allowed to proceed with the game (he was given the option to place the looser in a small booth, and then have someone fart in the booth). Would it actually have resulted in a fine? Who knows? And that is what the real problem with standards are. If you want to propose a standard, it has to be clear and you need to straddle a line between what is hurtful and what is simply disgusting or offensive. You may be upset at Stern’s asking a Nigerian woman if she eats monkeys, but does that deserve a fine from the government? And how much? And is it really the job of the government to decide these sorts of things? In the free market, advertisers can choose (and have chose) not to advertise on Stern’s program.

At the bottom of this post, Lawrence Theriot makes a good point about that:

Yes a lot of what Stern does could be considered indecent by a large portion of the population (which is the Supreme Court standard) but in this case it’s important to consider WHERE those people might live and to what degree they are likely to be exposed to Stern’s brand of humor before you decide that those people need federal protection from hearing his show. Or, in other words, might the market have already acted to protect those people in a very real way that makes Federal action unnecessary?

Stern is on something like 75 radio stations in the US and almost every one of them is concentrated in a city. Most people who think Stern is indecent do not live in city centers. They tend to live in “fly-over” country where Stern’s show does not reach.

Rush Limbaugh by comparison (which no one could un-ironically argue is indecent in any way) is on 600 stations around the country, and reaches about the same number of listeners as Howard does (10 million to 14 million I think).

So in effect, we can see that the market has acted to protect most of those who do not want to hear the kind of radio that Stern does. Stern’s show, which could be considered indecent is not very widely available, when you compare it to Limbaugh’s show which is available in virtually every single corner of the country, and yet a comparable number of people seem to want to tune in to both shows.

Further, when you take into account the fact that in a city like Miami (where Stern was taken off the air last week) there may be as many as a million people who want to hear his show, any argument that Stern needs to be censored on indecency grounds seems to fly right out the window.

Anyway, I think both sides are making some decent points in this argument, but I hadn’t heard one up until now that took the market and demographics into account until last night, and we all know how much faith I put in the market to solve a lot of society’s toughest questions, so I thought I’d point this one out as having had an impact on me.

In the end, I don’t know the answer, but there is no easy solution here. I can see why people want standards, but standards can be quite impractical. On the other hand, I can see why Stern is so irate at the prospect of being fined for something he said 3 years ago – and also never knowing if what he’s going to say qualifies as “indecent” (and not really being able to take such a thing to court to really decide). Dennis Miller again:

We should question it all; poke fun at it all; piss off on it all; rail against it all; and most importantly, for Christ’s sake, laugh at it all. Because the only thing separating holy writ from complete bullshit is your perspective. Its your only weapon. Keep the safety off. Don’t take yourself too seriously.

In the end, Stern makes a whole lot of people laugh and he doesn’t take himself all that serious. Personally, I don’t want to fine him for that, but if you do, you need to come up with a standard that makes sense and is clear and practical to implement. I get the feeling this wouldn’t be an issue if he was clearly right or clearly wrong…

Elephants and the Media

I’ve been steadily knocking off films from my 2003 Should Have Seem Em list. Among the films recently viewed was Gus Van Sant’s striking Elephant. The film portrays the massacre at an ordinary high school much like Columbine (I originally thought it was Columbine, and the similarities are numerous, but apparently not). It simply shows the events as they unfold, from the ordinary morning to the massacre that follows. There is no explanation, no preaching about the ills of modern society, no empty solutions proffered. It is the events of one day, as seen by a number of people, laid bare. Van Sant employs the use of a series of long tracking shots, following this person or that, to lend an air of detached documentary to the film, and it works. This lack of sensationalism was a bold move, but I think the correct one, and it’s the only way a movie about such a thing could possibly be relevant. Van Sant has said of this film: “I want the audience to make its own observations and draw its own conclusions,” and I think he has succeeded admirably.

Roger Ebert wrote an excellent review of the movie, and in it, he comments:

Let me tell you a story. The day after Columbine, I was interviewed for the Tom Brokaw news program. The reporter had been assigned a theory and was seeking sound bites to support it. “Wouldn’t you say,” she asked, “that killings like this are influenced by violent movies?” No, I said, I wouldn’t say that. “But what about ‘Basketball Diaries’?” she asked. “Doesn’t that have a scene of a boy walking into a school with a machine gun?” The obscure 1995 Leonardo Di Caprio movie did indeed have a brief fantasy scene of that nature, I said, but the movie failed at the box office (it grossed only $2.5 million), and it’s unlikely the Columbine killers saw it.

The reporter looked disappointed, so I offered her my theory. “Events like this,” I said, “if they are influenced by anything, are influenced by news programs like your own. When an unbalanced kid walks into a school and starts shooting, it becomes a major media event. Cable news drops ordinary programming and goes around the clock with it. The story is assigned a logo and a theme song; these two kids were packaged as the Trench Coat Mafia. The message is clear to other disturbed kids around the country: If I shoot up my school, I can be famous. The TV will talk about nothing else but me. Experts will try to figure out what I was thinking. The kids and teachers at school will see they shouldn’t have messed with me. I’ll go out in a blaze of glory.”

In short, I said, events like Columbine are influenced far less by violent movies than by CNN, the NBC Nightly News and all the other news media, who glorify the killers in the guise of “explaining” them. I commended the policy at the Sun-Times, where our editor said the paper would no longer feature school killings on Page 1. The reporter thanked me and turned off the camera. Of course the interview was never used. They found plenty of talking heads to condemn violent movies, and everybody was happy.

Ouch. The entire review is good, so check it out.

Ender’s Humility

Thanks to Chris Wenham’s short story Clear as mud, I’ve been craving a good science fiction novel. So I started reading Ender’s Game

by Orson Scott Card. It’s an excellent book, and though I have not yet finished the book, Card makes a lot of interesting choices. For those interested, there will be spoilers ahead.

The story takes place in the distant future where aliens have attacked earth twice, almost destroying the human race. To prepare for their next encounter with the aliens, humans band together under a world government and go about breeding military geniuses, and training them. The military pits students against each other in a series of warlike “games.” Andrew “Ender” Wiggin is one such genius, but his abilities are far and above everyone else. This is in part due to his natural talent, but it is also due to certain personality traits: curiosity, an analytical thought process, and humility (among others).

The following passage takes place just after Ender commands his new army to a spectacular victory in just his first match as commander. It was such a spectacular victory, in fact, that Ender becomes a subject of ire amongst the other commanders.

Carn Carby made a point of coming to greet Ender before the lunch period ended. It was, again, a gracious gesture, and, unlike Dink, Carby did not seem wary. “Right now I’m in disgrace,” he said frankly. “They won’t believe me when I tell them you did things that nobody’s ever seen before. So I hope you beat the snot out of the next army you fight. As a favor to me.”

“As a favor to you,” Ender said. “And thanks for talking to me.”

“I think they’re treating you pretty badly. Usually new commanders are cheered when they first join the mess. But then, usually a new commander has had a few defeats under his belt before he first makes it here. I only got here a month ago. If anybody deserves a cheer, it’s you. But that’s life. Make them eat dust.”

“I’ll try.” Carn Carby left, and Ender mentally added him to his private list of people who also qualified as human beings.

One of the interesting things about Ender is that he’s not perfect, and he freely admits it all the time. His humility is essential. Failure doesn’t matter unless you learn from your failures (the ceramics parable is a recent example of this sort of thing). Ender doesn’t fail much, but he’s not afraid to confront the reality that someone might think of something he hasn’t thought of. He relies on others to help him all the time. The passage above shows how much Ender values humility in his peers as well.

I don’t know why Ender’s humility surprised me, as Ender is, after all, only human. But it did. It’s an interesting perspective, and I’m enjoying the book a lot. As I said, I haven’t finished it yet, so for all I know, he becomes an arrogant and ignorant prick towards the end of the novel, but I doubt that. Ender’s humility is integral to his success, as humility plays an important part in success. We’ll need to keep this in mind, and point out failures we’re making as they happen so that we can learn from them and apply those lessons. Naturally, everone will disagree with each other as to what constitutes a failure and what lessons must be learned from which actions, but criticism never bothers me unless it’s of the mean spirited unproductive variety. In short, I take Lileks’ Andre the Giant philosophy:

Look. I’m a big-tent kinda guy. I’m willing to embrace all sorts of folk whose agendas may differ from mine, as long as we share the realization that there are many many millions out there who want us stone-cold bleached-bones dead. It?s the Andre the Giant philosophy, expressed in “Princess Bride”:

I hope we win.

That’s all. If you can agree with that without doing a Horshack twitch, intent on adding conditions – oh! oh! what about genetically modified soy? – then we understand each other. We know that we have many disagreements, but we agree: I hope we win. Oh, we can argue about every word in that four-syllable statement. But when it comes down to it all, we’re on the same page.

I hope we win.

Now let’s pick it apart. Who’s we? And what does win mean?

Well, I hope we win.