So we’re finished with the formal awards, but there are always some other awards that don’t really require a lot of nominees… and there are some movies that have something so uncommon that it’s worth bringing up. Interestingly, some of these awards have actually become a yearly thing, despite never really being conceived as such. In any case, here they are:
- The “You know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else” Award for Worst Dialogue: Skyline. Not even that talented thespian Eric Balfour could make this crap sound good. “It’s not exactly like we have a lot more bedsheets!”
- The Proximity to Jason Vorhees Award for Heroic Stupidity: Piranha 3D. Of course, the gargantuan amounts of stupid present in this film actually constitute its charm.
- The “I Can’t Believe They Went There” Award for Dumbest Plot Twist: Shutter Island. Scorsese is brilliant as always, but even he can’t undo the damage done by one of the dumbest plot twists ever. I also The Book of Eli, but then, there’s not quite the disparity between talent and dumb twist there. In other words, the dumbness seems appropriate for that movie.
- Best Unexpected Gratuitous Nudity: Love and Other Drugs. I like Anne Hathaway. (I assume female audiences enjoy Jake Gyllenhaal as well).
- Best Documentary About Wine: Blood Into Wine. In a move resembling Homer Simpson’s decision to attend Clown College, Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan bought and runs a winery in Arizona. This slickly produced documentary is an interesting look at the situation and well worth a watch.
- Most Menacing Florist of the Year: Pete Postlethwaite’s character in The Town. Sadly, Postlethwaite recently passed away. He will be missed, as he always classed a movie up with his presence.
- Most Surprisingly Mediocre Movie of the Year: Unstoppable. This movie about a runaway train* looked like it would be one of the worst of the year. Instead we got a competent and surprisingly fun thriller.
- Best Underwater Ballet Sequence: Piranha 3D. This isn’t just the best underwater ballet sequence with naked women set to classical music of the year, it’s quite possible the best underwater ballet sequence with naked women set to classical music of all time. I suppose an alternate title for this award could be “Best Expected Gratuitous Nudity”, a companion to an earlier arbitrary award.
And that just about wraps up the awards for the year. Look for a top 10 list in a few weeks…
* Sorry, I forgot. It’s not a train, it’s a missile the size of the Chrystler building! Please accept my humble apologies.