2013 Kaedrin Movie Awards: The Arbitrary Awards

Kaedrin Movie Awards season is in full swing. We’ve already handed out the formal awards, but sometimes there are movies that don’t fit well into our format, but we still want to recognize them. Indeed, the whole point of these awards are to give exposure to odd little movies or movies that have flaws, but excellent bits nonetheless. A few of these have become an annual tradition, but most are just random and, well, arbitrary. Let’s get this party started:

  • The “You know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else” Award for Worst Dialogue: Parker. This award often goes to a movie I don’t like very much, but if you look at the origin of the award name, it’s a movie I like a lot, and so is this year’s award. Parker is not a particularly accomplished movie, but it’s a boatload of fun, and it has the absolute best exchange of dialogue in any movie this year. In a so bad it’s good kinda way, but I laughed out loud for about 5 minutes when I saw it happen. In the movie, Parker is a thief who’s on a mission to kill his backstabbing partners. J Lo gets wind of his plan, and asks “How do you sleep at night?” Parker’s response, delivered expertly by Jason Statham (Are you sitting down? You might want to sit down. And be careful not to fall out of your seat…), is “I don’t drink coffee after 7.” Holy shit. That is so terrible/brilliant that it takes home this arbitrary award all by itself.
  • The Proximity to Jason Vorhees Award for Heroic Stupidity: Evil Dead. Oh, this book is made of human flesh, buried, and wrapped in barbed wire. I guess they want us to open it up and read the creepy Latin (that’s written in blood) out loud, right? Sounds like a plan.
  • The Park Chan-Wook Award for Most Elaborate Vengeance Scheme: Now You See Me. This was a fun movie that sorta goes way off the rails towards the end, and that makes it hard to recommend (amongst a couple other things), but the first hour or so is good fun.
  • Best Hero/Badass (Non-Human Edition): Jaegers from Pacific Rim. This movie was so much damn fun, I can’t get over it. Plus, the names for Jaegers are awesome: Gipsy Danger, Cherno Alpha, Crimson Typhoon, Striker Eureka, the list goes on (special shout out to fake Irish Jaeger: Whiskey Ginger). And their home base is called the “Shatterdome” which is also awesome.
  • Best Villain/Badass (Non-Human Edition): Kaiju from Pacific Rim. No explanation needed.
  • Achievement in the Field of Shelf Sitting: All the Boys Love Mandy Lane and You’re Next (tie). You guys, Mandy Lane was made in 2006. That’s 7 years before it actually came out. You’re Next only sat for about 2 years before being unceremoniously dumped in August, but that’s still a long time (especially for such a crowd pleasing movie). Both are well worth seeking out, especially for horror fans.
  • Best Use of Watsoning: Man of Steel. You know that scene where Lois Lane is escaping with the help of Jor El, who keeps teleporting around weirdly? That’s called Watsoning, and I seriously want to watch a movie that is all Lois Lane and Jor El engaging in wacky escapades.
  • Most Disturbing Segment of the Year: “L is for Libido” from The ABCs of Death. Shudder.
  • Best Beer Reference: Drinking Buddies. The movie is overall kinda meh Mumblecore stuff, but it takes place at Revolution Brewing in Chicago, which is awesome. I also spied some Half Acre and Three Floyds beers throughout, because I’m a huge beer nerd.
  • Best Long Take/Tracking Shot: Gravity. I believe it’s the opening shot of the movie, so this could also pull best opening shot too.

And that concludes the Arbitrary Awards. Stay tuned for the top 10 of 2013 and Oscar Live blogging/tweeting.