Bad Movie Corner

The movie corner feature here at Kaedrin normally features at least a couple of good movies, but sometimes, well, I like to watch bad movies. Particularly ones from my youth. Something about being a youngin’ made these movies a lot easier to swallow, I guess because I didn’t know any better, and there’s a sentimental element that draws me back to them even today. It’s strange, but I was much more willing to sit around and watch whatever came on back then. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing that I don’t do so much anymore… In any case, here are three bad movies that I love. Perhaps you could say that they’re so bad they’re good…

• Lone Wolf McQuade: Where to start? Chuck Norris plays the archetypical grimy renegade Texas Ranger who takes on a local drugdealer/karate champion, played with campy glee by David Carradine. Yes, there are roundhouse kicks in this movie, but it doesn’t end there. It’s got a midget arms dealer, for instance. And McQuade is actually a great hero. This is evidenced by one of the great 80s scenes. Our villains have shot Chuck Norris, shoved him in his truck, and then burried the truck. Norris comes to, evaluates the situation, opens a beer and pours it over his face (he had dirt on it, you know, and it being a car, there was beer readily available), fires up the supercharger (did I mention that his truck is totally badass?) and blasts his way out of there. It’s actually somewhat exhilarating. Naturally, the film culminates in a martial arts showdown. Funnily, Carradine is wearing a pastel argyle sweater during this fight. Anyway, if you think I’m nuts, Roger Ebert gave it ***1/2 stars (out of four).
• Real Men: Buddy comedy starring James Belushi and John Ritter (yes, John Ritter) as… crap, do you really care? They’re the same characters they always are. They’re on a quest to make sure a deal goes through with aliens for the future of mankind. As payment for the deal, the aliens will give you a choice: a “good package”, which will save the Earth’s environment, or a “big gun”, which could destroy the Earth. The Americans are going for the good package and the Soviets are going for the big gun (heh). It’s actually kinda funny, but you know your in trouble when your plot reminds me of Dude, Where’s My Car?. Or maybe not. I get the feeling that 20 years from now, someone’s going to be writing a “Bad Movie Corner” featuring that masterpiece. Heh.
• Runaway: Tom Selleck scifi movie. Say no more. What’s that? You want more? How about Gene Simmons. Without makeup. Written and directed by Michael Crichton. Notable for it’s awesome heat-seeking bullets that follow people around corners and through doors (with an cool POV camera angle). Oh, and homicidal runaway robots, like the little robot spiders that will inject you with poison. And Kirstey Alley! And huge plot holes like the time they strip Kirstey Alley down looking for bugs, then forget to check her handbag. Still, this was actually really neato for the time. Those spider thingys scared the crap out of me.

That’s all for now. Back in town, so I should be around more this week…