After wandering the forest for hours, you are relieved to come to a white house. The doors are locked, but as you circled the structure, you find a large window ajar. Clouds cover the sky and you can feel a rapid decrease in pressure in your bones. It is going to rain. Flashes of lightning illuminated the sky in the distance, followed by peals of rumbling thunder. Throwing caution to the wind, you pry the window wide enough to allow entrance.
You are in a kitchen. A table seems to have been used recently for the preparation of food. No food remains, but an unopened brown bottle adorned with a pictogram of a combined “O” and “C” can be seen. A rack of stemmed, curvy glasses hangs above the table. Some sacks smelling faintly of pepper are piled in a corner of the room. A narrow passage leads to the west, and a dark staircase can be seen leading upward. A dark chimney leads down. You hear stirrings of movement coming from the chimney.
Lightning flashes and the accompanying thunder follows quickly. Outside, rain has begun to fall. Your growling stomach echoes the thunder. What to do?
To sit at the table and drink the bottle, click here.
To take the passage to the west, click here.
To climb the stairs, click here.
To explore the chimney, click here.
You have chosen to drink the unopened brown bottle.
You sit at the table, glad to be off your feet after the long trek through the forest. You examine the bottle more closely. Otter Creek 20th Anniversary Ale. Your eyes widen. You remember hearing of the war up in the northern territory of Vermont in which a race of ferocious otters purged humans from their land. No one is welcome there, but these otters are known as craftsmen, and have taken to exporting their beer. It is rare indeed that such a brew would make its way this far South:
Otter Creek 20th Anniversary Ale – Pours a dark brown color with almost no head at all, just a little ring around the edge of the glass. Smells of rich malts, very much like a Scotch Ale, with some booziness and maybe even hops also apparent. The taste starts very sweet, followed by booze in the middle and more booze in the finish. It’s… boozy! But lots of malt character too, maybe a little hop bitterness also hanging around, but just enough to balance out the sweetness. The mouthfeel is strong with a little heat from that booze, not to mention a certain stickiness, especially in the finish. Again, this reminds me of a souped up Scotch Ale, ton of malt character, lots of booze. A solid sipping beer, worth drinking, but not really lighting the world on fire. B
Beer Nerd Details: 12% ABV bottled (12 oz). Drank out of a snifter on 7/7/12.
Refreshed by the beer, you consider your other options.
You have chosen to take the western passage.
You walk through a long hallway that turns to the right, leading into a large room housing many boxes, barrels, and what looks like a laboratory. Lots of tubes, beakers, open flames, boiling liquids, and jars filled with fruits and spices populate a large table on one side of the room. Boxes of bottles, all adorned with a railroad track logo, line the wall on the other side of the room. You recognize the logo as that of the Boxcar Brewery, a business located just a mile or two away from your home! Overjoyed at the prospect that you are no longer lost, you quickly snap up a bottle and gulp it down:
Boxcar Mango Ginger IPA – I have to admit that Boxcar’s regular “IPA” has grown on me. Sure, it doesn’t feel like an IPA at all, but as Belgian style pale ales go, it’s solid stuff, and fresher bottles do have a really nice (if unusual) hop presence. Pours a golden orangish color with a finger of medium bubbled head. Smells strongly of that ginger, along with some fruity hops, perhaps augmented by the mango. These are fruity hops, but not typical grapefruit and pine, and they’re not as strong as you’d expect in an IPA. The taste is sweet, with lots of ginger balancing it out and just a little in the way of hop fruitiness (again, perhaps augmented by the mango). Like the regular Boxcar IPA, there’s not much bitterness here, but the mango ginger adjuncts seemed to overwhelm any Belgian character. The mouthfeel retains that effervescent, highly carbonated Belgian pale feel to it. The spices keep it from being something to gulp down, but it’s decent stuff. Overall, this is a reallly strange beer. Like the regular Boxcar IPA, this is certainly far away from your typical IPA (I would never in a million years have labeled this as such in a blind tasting), and even when it comes to Belgian pale ales, this is an odd duck. None of which makes it inherently bad, it’s just hard to wrap my head around… and to be honest, ginger is not my favorite spice in beer. A solid beer, a strange change of pace, well worth trying, but I think I’d rather have one of their regular IPAs than this… B-
Beer Nerd Details:7% ABV bottled (12 oz). Drank out of a tulip glass on 7/29/12.
Alas, the room seems to be a dead end.
You have chosen to climb the stairs.
The stairs are steep and tiring, but you can see a mesmerizing glow ahead that keeps you climbing. You reach the top and enter a large, bright room. As you enter, the room becomes even more luminous, almost blinding you. Indeed, no exits seem visible anymore, even from whence you came. In front of you is an old man armored in chain mail with a large cloth cloak displaying the markings of a Crusader. You are surrounded by a vast array of chalices, many sizes, many shapes, some gold, some silver, some clear, but they all glitter with potential. The knight selects three and places them on the alter in front of you.
The knight simply says “To escape this place, you must choose,” and waves his hand at the alter.
There are three glasses in front of you, one goblet, one brandy snifter, and one plain pint glass. They are all filled with liquids of varying degrees of darkness.
To drink from the goblet, click here.
To drink from the brandy snifter, click here.
To drink from the plain pint glass, click here.
You have chosen to drink from the goblet.
You pick up the goblet and drink deeply. Pleased with the taste, you look to the knight, who grins and says “You have chosen… wisely.”
Val-Dieu Brune – I’ve actually seen this beer many times before, but the name Val-Dieu just doesn’t inspire much confidence (sounds like it would be cheap, “value” beer from Belgium). That’s completely superficial though, and it turns out that this is a brewery with a decent enough reputation… Plus, as we frequently say here at Kaedrin, it’s what’s inside the bottle that counts: Pours a clearish dark brown color with beautiful amber highlights and a finger of deep tan head. Smells very nice, biscuity Belgian yeast with a hint of spice, maybe some dark crystal malt aromas. Taste is sweet, that dark, toasted crystal malt character coming through loud and clear, maybe even a small amount of straight up roasted malt, and of course, that bready, spicy Belgian yeast. Mouthfeel is surprisingly smooth, well carbonated yet very tight, with a pleasant dryness in the finish. Alcohol is well hidden, though I did get a bit of a warming effect… perhaps because I drank rather quickly… I’ve been craving a dubbel recently, and this hit the spot pretty well. Not quite a top-tier dubbel, still very nice. B+
Beer Nerd Details: 8% ABV bottled (11.2 oz). Drank out of a goblet on 7/18/12.
As you finish the goblet, you notice that the room has become completely saturated in light. Your eyes are overwhelmed by the white light, but soon your vision comes back. You are standing about a hundred yards from the house. It has stopped raining. There is a road in front of you, and you quickly recognize the way home. Success!
You have chosen to drink from the brandy snifter.
You pick up the snifter, give it a whiff, and sample some of the brew. You look to the knight for validation, and he shrugs and says “Eh… good enough.”
Lagunitas Undercover Investigation Shut-down Ale – Apparently this beer was brewed in honor of a 20 day suspension imposed on the brewery by overzealous coppers who sent people undercover to discover how much pot the Lagunitas boys were smoking (apparently a lot). I guess they couldn’t convince the police that they were actually just smoking hops. Anywho, it pours a clear dark golden amber brown color with a finger of whitish head. Smells wonderful. Sweet, juicy pineapple aromas along with something else I can’t quite identify. I could just sit here sniffing this all night. The taste seems comparatively muddled. Very sweet, tons of flavorful hop citrus character, a hint of darker malts (maybe even some roast), and quite a bitter finish for such a high ABV beer. That bitterness and roast character lingers in the aftertaste. Mouthfeel is relatively heavy, ample but tight carbonation, actually goes down easier than you’d think. Overall, this is a strange one. It’s not quite gelling for me, but it’s a complex and enjoyable enough brew. B
Beer Nerd Details: 9.7% ABV bottled (12 oz). Drank out of a snifter on 7/14/12.
A blinding light appears on the far side of the room, then subsides, revealing a door. You bid the knight good evening and open the door, finding youself at a road leading into your hometown. It’s still raining lightly, but life is good. Success!
You have chosen to drink from the pint glass.
You observe that the liquid is a clear golden color with some fluffy white head. The aroma is slightly skunky, but you drink it anyway. It’s so very cold that you don’t notice much at first, but it feels sorta flabby and bland. As it warms, a well-rounded skunkiness dominates the palate. You haven’t drank much of it, but you’ve realized your mistake too late. You look over at the knight, who frowns and says “You have chosen… poorly.”
He reveals that the beer is, in fact, Miller Genuine Draft. While your body physically feels ok, you can feel your soul being diminished. Soon, you collapse to the floor. Alive, breathing, but completely inert. As your soul dissipates, your body quickly ages, decomposing into dust in mere seconds.
You have died! Go back and choose another beer.
You have chosen to explore the chimney.
As you approach the chimney, the noises you heard earlier begin to intensify. The chimney has quite a wide opening, such that you are able to enter. When you look up, you can see darkness, occasionally illuminated by lighting overhead. This is a most unusual structure, and after further examination, you find that the wall is carved with regularly spaced grooves. It’s a ladder!
Visions of hidden treasure fill your head as you quickly mount the ladder and begin to descend. The noises you heard earlier conspicuously disappear, but you’re too excited to notice. As you progress, darkness seeps in around you. The light from the kitchen above is becoming dimmer, but it feels like you’ve almost reached bottom.
A scraping sound of stone against stone sounds out from above. The light from the kitchen completely disappears as you are plunged into darkness. Startled, you miss the next ladder rung and fall backwards. Fortunately, you really were close to the bottom, and your fall is cushioned by burlap bags smelling of peppers.
It is pitch black. You stand up and dust yourself off. You feel a sinister, lurking presence nearby. The silence is disturbing, but not as disturbing as the sounds you now hear.
You have been eaten by a Grue. Its insatiable appetite craves strong flavors, such as the hot peppers from the burlap sacks. It finds you somewhat bland tasting, but it washes you down with a bottle of Rodenbach Classic.
Rodenbach Classic – Pours a dark amber color with a finger of thick tan head. Smells of wine and vinegar, that twang that indicates sourness, and maybe some bready yeastiness too. The vinous character hits pretty quickly in the taste, light on the tangy sourness, followed by some malt character. The grue gets much less oak character from this than from the Grand Cru, but there’s still a complexity that is coming from that small, oak aged portion. Mouthfeel is medium bodied, well carbonated, and the sourness keeps it light. Overall, a very good beer and it certainly spiced up the grue’s meal, but the Grand Cru is clearly superior. B+
Beer Nerd Details: 5.2% ABV bottled (11.2 oz). Drank out of a tulip glass on 7/14/12.
You have died! Go back and choose another path.
Well, that’s one way to catch up on reviews, I guess. Not that I don’t have plenty of tasting notes still to be posted, but still. Making progress here, and sometimes it’s fun to liven things up with a post like this. Also, sorry for the lack of an MGD picture, but I swear to you, I was handed a clear glass bottle of the stuff recently and it was, in fact, skunked and disgusting stuff. I know some folks don’t mind that brew, but even among macros, MGD is foul.
I’ll be traveling later this week, but a few posts will make it out if I can manage to click the “Publish” button on my phone, assuming I’m able to get a signal where I’m going.
2 thoughts on “Choose Your Own Adventure Beer Reviews”
That was epic. And I will say that is the first time I have ever died while reading a beer review.
Thanks! And sorry for killing you, but it was for the best.