1. INT. CITY TAVERN, PHILADELPHIA – OCTOBER 1775
After a long day of Constitutional debate at Independence Hall, George Washinton, Ben Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson grab a table at the City Tavern, settling in for a long night of drunken Constitutional debate.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: I say, barmaid, fetch us some of my fresh-brewed Porter! My dear friends must try this new brew.
The BARMAID delivers three brimming pints of General Washington’s Tavern Porter.
THOMAS JEFFERSON: I say, George, you’ve outdone yourself with this brew.
BEN FRANKLIN: The barmaid is pretty fucking hot.
GEORGE WASHINGTON (ignoring Franklin): I say, thank you Thom. That is quite generous of you.
BEN FRANKLIN: Do you think she likes me?
THOMAS JEFFERSON: I say, you’re quite welcome George.
BEN FRANKLIN: Why do you idiots preface everything you say with the phrase “I say”.
THOMAS JEFFERSON (sighing): It’s fucking gentlemanly, that’s why. Anyway, I prefer my brews to be a bit stronger than this porter, but this is still quite enjoyable…
BEN FRANKLIN: Yes, well, I SAY, we’re not all alcoholics like you Thom.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: Oh SNAP!
BEN FRANKLIN: You’re both capable brewers, but I prefer to use more unconventional, off-centered ingredients.
THOMAS JEFFERSON (loudly): Hey everyone, look at this guy! He uses some spruce in his beer and he thinks he’s Sam fucking Calagione!
The door to the bar opens, and ALEXANDER HAMILTON walks in, scanning the room.
BEN FRANKLIN (attempting to hide his face): Oh shit, how’d he find us?
GEORGE WASHINGTON glares at THOMAS JEFFERSON
THOMAS JEFFERSON (hiding his iPhone): What?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: You checked in, didn’t you?
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Hey man, I’m the fucking Mayor of City Tavern. If I don’t check in, I’ll lose my discount!
BEN FRANKLIN: You asshole! We could have been free of Hamilton’s nincompoopery for an entire night, but NOOOOO, you have to check in to FourSquare to maintain your lame Mayoral status.
ALEXANDER HAMILTON: HI GUYS!
GEORGE WASHINGTON (in an unenthusiastic tone, accompanied by a sigh): Hello Alexander.
ALEXANDER HAMILTON: HAVE YOU TRIED MY FEDERALIST ALE!?
BEN FRANKLIN (whispering to Jefferson): What the fuck is he going on about? I don’t see this beer on the menu.
THOMAS JEFFERSON (whispering to Franklin): I think the brewery is just humoring him. They don’t even list that beer on their website.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: Um, Thom, I challenge thee to a DUEL!
WASHINGTON takes a glove and slaps JEFFERSON in the face.
THOMAS JEFFERSON (surprised, but catching on): Hey! Uh, oh, OH, yes, I accept!
WASHINGTON and JEFFERSON down the remainder of their pints and exit.
2. EXT. MARKET STREET, PHILADELPHIA – OCTOBER 1775
WASHINGTON and JEFFERSON run down the street, stealing furtive glances behind them.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: I think we lost him.
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Thank God! Franklin’s gonna be pissed that we left him alone with Hamilton.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: Nah, he’s probably fucking the shit out of the barmaid by now.
3. INT. COMPUTER DESK – PRESENT DAY
MARK: So this is my third of Yards’ Ales of the Revolution series. I quite enjoyed the first two, based on recipes from Franklin and Jefferson, and picked up Washington’s entry on a recent trip to the local bottle store. I’m not sure why, but Alexander Hamilton’s entry into the Ales of the Revolution series seems to be disappearing. I’ve seen it referred to as Federalist Ale and Treasury Ale, but as Jefferson notes in the above dialogue, Yards doesn’t even mention it on their website anymore. I’m pretty sure you can still buy a variety pack with Hamilton’s contribution, and judging from BA and RateBeer, it’s some sort of pale ale (I think I saw something once about Yards’ Philadelphia Pale Ale being basically the same beer, so perhaps Yards just rebranded Hamilton’s beer? That’s just blind speculation though.) Anyway, this post was supposed to be about General Washington’s Tavern Porter:
Pours a dark brown color (perhaps a hint of dark red in there) with a medium sized, light colored head. Roasted malts in the nose, maybe a little bitter chocolate. That chocolate hits pretty well at the start of the taste, followed by some bitterness in the middle and finishing with a bit of a roasty taste. There’s a bit of a sticky alcohol flavor in the finish as well, something I was not expecting, but which suits the beer well. At 7% ABV, it’s not a monster, but it’s got enough zing to give it a distinctive character, which I can appreciate. The boozy tastes that were more overwhelming in Jefferson’s beer are more balanced here (perhaps due to the sightly lower ABV, or maybe just the different malt backbone, or probably both). Mouthfeel is a bit lighter than expected. Plenty of carbonation and a medium body, which again helps offset the booziness. Not exactly a session beer, but quite drinkable. I’m not particularly an expert on Stouts or Porters, nor are they really my style of beer, but I rather enjoyed this. Also, like Jefferson’s beer, there are rumors of a Bourbon Barrel Aged version of this porter, which could really impart some really nice additional notes to this beer. B+
Beer Nerd Details: 7.0% ABV bottled (12 oz). Drank from a pint glass.
So overall, I’m pretty happy with these Ales of the Revolution. Maybe I will pick up the variety pack and get me some Alexander Hamilton’s Federalist Ale. In the meantime, I suppose I should include the standard disclaimers: No, I don’t think that Jefferson was an alcoholic and as far as I knew, no one hated Alexander Hamilton (nor was he considered a nincompoop by his peers) and I’m pretty sure Jefferson and Washington never participated in a duel with one another. However, Franklin was a noted poon-hound and Jefferson was a total Apple fanboy and angel investor in FourSquare.
Update: The mystery of Alexander Hamilton’s Ale of the Revolution… solved! Sorta.
Again Update: More on Franklin and the ladies…
3 thoughts on “General Washington’s Tavern Porter: A Screenplay”
Heh, this made me laugh. It reminds me of a sketch that Dmitri Martin did on his show on Comedy Central a year or two ago, where several of the Founding Fathers go into a pizza joint and get drunk and cause a ruckus…and Ben Franklin is all over the ladies. Was he a ladies man? I’ve never heard that before, that’s amusing =)
I also remain intrigued by this series, and I wish Yards made its way up to Southern Mass. I’m just so fascinated with historical styles of brewing, especially those from colonial times.
Perhaps the term “poon-hound” isn’t quite accurate, but Franklin was apparently quite the ladies man. He was married, but spent a lot of time traveling and there were always “rumors” about his female acquaintances, especially in France (he spent a lot of time there).
very eager to taste this….