1. INT. BANK OFFICE
MARK sits at a desk across from a LOAN OFFICER. The desk is covered with large stacks of paper.
LOAN OFFICER: Greetings Mark! What can I do for you?
MARK: I’d like to take out a third mortgage.
LOAN OFFICER (suspiciously): Are you going to use the money to buy beer?
There is a pause before MARK answers.
LOAN OFFICER: Okay Mark, that little pause you just did there suggests to me that you actually are going to use this money to buy more beer. Also, I could hear the question mark in your voice. You actually pronounced it that way.
MARK bows his head and looks EMBARRASSED.
LOAN OFFICER (sighing): What beer?
LOAN OFFICER: What beer were you going to buy that was so expensive that it would require you to take out a third mortgage?
MARK: Allagash Odyssey.
LOAN OFFICER: Oh, I see. It is an exceptional beer that is worth the stretch. But I’m afraid we can’t give you another line of credit to make this investment in a consumable commodity. A few years ago, maybe, but not now.
MARK: That’s okay, I could afford it anyway, I just thought this would be a kinda funny way to illustrate how expensive this beer is on my blog.
LOAN OFFICER (looking confused): So this whole thing is just for yucks? We filled out all this paperwork just for shits and giggles?
MARK: Pretty much. In fact, I’ve already bought and drank this beer. Months ago, actually. I just wanted to spice up the review with something interesting before I got to the boring tasting notes. I don’t even have the second mortgage that would necessitate a third, but I thought it would be funny to imply that I spent all my money on beer.
LOAN OFFICER: I don’t think this is very funny.
MARK: Unfortunately, neither do I. This entry is not nearly as funny as it was when I envisioned it in my head.
LOAN OFFICER: You were drunk when you came up with this idea weren’t you.
There is another pause before MARK answers.
2. INT. COMPUTER DESK – 11:15 PM
MARK: So is this your way of admitting to yourself that you spend too much money on beer?
MARK: I don’t think so.
MARK: But you are talking to yourself.
MARK: Yes, but that is probably indicative of other psychological problems completely unrelated to the purchasing or consumption of beer.
MARK (ignoring self and addressing the actual audience of the blog): Seriously, though, I’m doing fine. No loans needed. But this beer is expensive. (Is it worth writing the above in an attempt to draw out a joke that could have literally been made in 5 words? I will leave that as an exercise for the reader.) Fortunately, as the LOAN OFFICER mentioned, it’s worth the stretch (though not a second mortgage – at best, this would be something you borrow money from the Mob for). This is apparently a wheat beer that also features roasted malts, not to mention the 10 months of aging in new oak barrels that a portion of the beer got. I think I can see why this stuff is expensive:
Allagash Odyssey – Pours a dark brown color with a beautiful amber hue and a finger or so of light tan head. Smells strongly of spicy Belgian yeast (lots of clove), and I’m getting some fruity notes out of it too. Taste starts out richly sweet, with plenty of spice and a hint of dark malt roastiness peeking through, very subtly at first, but more prominent as it warms. And I got some molasses mixed with that roastiness too, quite interesting. Not getting a ton of oak and vanilla (though it is there), but that might be for the best, and these flavors all work well together. Harmonious, if you will. Mouthfeel is full, highly carbonated and effervescent, with a very dry finish that makes this go down quite easy. As it warms, a slight booziness emerges, and you can get a warming alcohol feeling, but it’s still quite pleasing. Overall, a complex, very well balanced beer. A-
Beer Nerd Details: 10.4% ABV bottled (750 ml caged and corked). Drank out of a goblet on 4/28/12. Bottling: December 2011. Cases Bottled: 1160.
I haven’t always found that Allagash’s expensive beers (of which they have many) are worth the extra money, but this one is, and their beers are usually quite interesting in any case. I don’t have any of their other beers in the immediate pipeline, but I always look forward to their Fluxus beers…
2 thoughts on “Allagash Odyssey: A Screenplay”
If it’s any consolation, I thought it was funny.
I haven’t had this. I think my CFO would think it’s too expensive. I would have to sneak it in as a cash purchase (then hastily remove the price sticker).
Thank you sir!
I don’t generally get hung up on buying expensive beer, but Allagash even gives me pause sometimes… Good luck!