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The Fantabulous Adventures of Mark and Bill Episode 1
tallman [site] wrote the following on February 2, 2001 12:06 pm
Mark feverishly pored over the code, sure that he was on his way to success. Minutes turned to hours. Hours turned to days.
He was losing weight and had taken on a pale, undead-like complexion. Still he raced on, a peristaltic force of programming
power. His life faded into the periphery as he rocketed towards his goal.
His coworkers thought him insane. They would wisper behind his back. Indeed, they could insult him to his face without any
rebuke. He was immersed. In the Zone. Nothing could stop him.
Nothing except...
foucault wrote the following on February 2, 2001 1:56 pm
except his wife, of course. At Mark's moments of greatest inspiration, when the code seemed to simply flow from his brain
directly into the computer, she would inevitably show up, or even call him at work.
"When are you going to finish, Mark? I want to go out, Mark." And so on...
It wasn't that he didn't love her, in his abstract way, but she could be such a damned annoyance at times. Mark needed to
focus more than anything else right now. He was so close to finishing that ultimate bit of code, that which would define
him above all other programmers, that which would finally bring humanity up another level.
Mark sighed. Time for a break. He was getting a bit of a headache. As he stood, stretching, and poppping his back, Mark
noticed something he had never seen before. He looked closer, amazement crossing his usually taciturn features.
"Oh my God,"he said "It's a.....
grenville wrote the following on February 2, 2001 3:03 pm
...TARDIS. What the f.... was a TARDIS doing in the office," Mark cried. Using his foot he pried open the bottom draw of his desk and then carefully reached down
to grab the bottle of McCallum's Scots Whiskey. He whipped the cap off and took a long gulp, coughing and spluttering as he
did so. Mark stood staring in disbelief at the TARDIS. Just then, the phone rang....
Spencer wrote the following on February 2, 2001 4:35 pm
Mark picked up the receiver to be welcomed by an extremely manly voice. "Mark, you really shouldn't be drinking alcohol at
a time like this. Water would be better for you." "What? Who are you?" Mark asked. "I'm your local TARDIS operator. That's
right. I'm observing you right now from the inside. In fact, I have been for some time, you were just so engrossed in your
silly programming that you didn't notice." Mark seemed emotionless. The operator continued, "Hey Mark, I was wondering.
Well, this may seem silly but I have a proposition." Silence. "Okay, what is it?" "It's just that it's slightly embarrassing,
but..."
tallman [site] wrote the following on February 2, 2001 4:59 pm
"... I'd like to ask your ex-wife out." the TARDIS operater finished nervously.
"What the fu@k do you mean ex-wife?" said Mark, exasperated.
"Well, she got tired of your coding shennanigans, and since she had plenty of time, she arranged a divorce. You were so into
your work that you didn't even notice. You even signed the papers!"
And suddenly it hit Mark. He was a fool. How could he ever have let this happen. His wife, Margret, was the best thing
that ever happened to him; a lone strand of humanity in his life. Furthermore, this software that he was working on would
never, ever be revolutionary. How could he have ever thought a Pornography Management System would elevate humanity!
"Uh, Mark..."
"Shut up, wormy! And get me the number for last week. If I can go back and fix things, maybe I won't lose her..."
grenville wrote the following on February 3, 2001 2:33 am
Mark seized control of the TARDIS console and banged the previous week into the number pad and punched GO!.
"Oh, NO!" shouted a voice from behind.
The TARDIS shuddered and whirred. Mark gripped the vibrating console for support. Then all was still.
Mark instantly knew what he had done. The little animated Microsoft logo in the corner of the screen told him everything.
They could be anywhere now, he realised. He bolted to the TARDIS window and frantically rubbed the mist and grime with his
Kaedrin t-shirt.
Mark peeked out. The sky was red. The landscape was blue. He could see seven moons orbiting this strange world. It was not
Earth, that much was certain. "Where the hell are we," Mark asked, with a frightened edge to his voice.
DyRE [site] wrote the following on February 4, 2001 4:23 am
"That's correct." came a surreal voice from behind Mark.
"Pardon?!" Mark exclaimed before whirling around to find a strangely familiar man standing before him. It took a moment to
register, but this man looked exactly like Mark. At least, as Mark had looked before undertaking his programming assignment.
"You're in Hell." Mark's double told him, nonchalantly. "You sucessfully piloted a TARDIS into Hell. You should be proud,
really." Mark's jaw dropped. "I don't think anyone has ever piloted a TARDIS into Hell. Yes, I'm right. No one ever has. No
one ever will again, in fact. You're truly unique, Mark."
"What the he... what the? Wait a minute... Hell has seven moons? Hell's blue?"
Mark's double licked his lips before beginning.
"Well, the thing is..."
grenville wrote the following on February 5, 2001 5:32 am
...Um. Oh my God! Look at that," shouted the other Mark looking towards the TARDIS window. Real Mark spun around, bolted to
the window and looked out. He couldn't believe
what he saw looming towards the TARDIS swimming in the blue air. It was a huge, enormous SHARK! "What will I do!" Mark shouted. He sprinted to the TARDIS console information system and typed in:
Mark tried every programming language he knew. None of them worked.
tallman [site] wrote the following on February 6, 2001 10:02 am
"Yes, a most grizzly fate," said the other Mark with a sinister grin, "I could help you out... for a price," he said slyly.
The TARDIS was shaking uncontrollably. It wouldn't be long before the shark made its way inside.
"What kind of price?" the real Mark said suspiciously.
"Oh come now. We are in hell you know." Said the other Mark. Suddenly a large stack of papers appeared and the other Mark said, "Its a standard
clause, really - we have quite a few lawyers down hear - it basically states that I will save you from this shark in return
for... your soul!"
"It takes all that paper to say just that?" said Mark.
"Yes, well, quite a few lawyers really means a few billion. And they're good. Listen, Mark, we're running out of time here. What'll it be?"
foucault wrote the following on February 6, 2001 11:07 pm
"No," Mark said. "No. I refuse to beleive in this. I refuse to beleive in this shark, and I refuse to believethat I am
in HEll, and I refuse to beleive in a Tardis. What the Hell is a Tardis anyway?"
Other Mark looked suitably shocked momentarily, then laughed. "Disbelieve all you want, my friend. It is not I who will
be shark food in a matter of seconds."
The first Mark, who had already taken to calling himself, Mark Mk 1, twitched a little, shuddered, whimpered for a second,
and came ot an brubt decision. He grabbed the pen the materialized in the air before him, and scribbled on the sheaf of paper
before him. As quickly as it had appeared, the shark discorporated.
Mark Mk 1 laughed maniacly. "It wasn't even my signature. I wrote Richard Nixon!!" he told Mark Mk 2 gleefully. The other
Mark only smiled slightly, and said "Did you, Mark? Really? Lok closer."
And indeed, in place of the glib Richard Milhaus Nixon Mrak had written was his own signature, followed by some strange heiroglyphics,
written in what looked an awful lot like blood.
DyRE [site] wrote the following on February 8, 2001 4:54 am
"No! It can't be!" Mark Mk 1 screamed.
"You're not going to try to disbelieve it, are you? That obviously didn't work for the shark." Mark Mk 2 said, sounding irritated
and bored. Mark Mk 1 began to panic. He began sweating profusely (which one would think he would already be doing in Hell)
and trembling. "You know what did work at a time of impending doom like this though," Mark Mk 2 began with a smirk, "signing
your soul over to SATAN!" Mark Mk 2 began to laugh maniacally.
Mark Mk 1, in his frantic state, turned around and thought he saw another double of him. He calmed himself after a time (during
which Mark Mk 2 continued laughing) and realised there was indeed a third Mark. Mark Mk 2 stopped laughing and took notice
as well. The two Marks in unison spoke: "Who in this place are you?"
"Someone who isn't here very often." the third Mark replied. "Mark's soul does indeed belong to me, however."
"You're not his wife, are you?" Mark Mk 2 asked. "Listen, if you are, I've a few billion lawyers down here. I can easily defeat
that whole Simpson vs. Satan trial."
tallman [site] wrote the following on February 8, 2001 8:30 am
"Oh yes, you do have precidence!" Mark Mk 3 said, "But I am not Mark's wife..."
Mark Mk 1 was pondering why everyone in Hell seemed to look like him when Mark Mk 2 blurted out "Well, who the hell are you
and why do you have my soul?!"
"I'm Bill Gates, of course." Came the not so suprising response. "Mark is a Beta tester of my new Uber Operating System,
Windows XT..."
"But, but my lawyers..." Satan interrupted nervously, like he knew what was coming.
Bill Gates was laughing with his high pitch squeal, "Many of your beloved lawyers are actually ex-Microsoft employees!" He
pointed at the stack of papers, "Mark already sold his soul to Microsoft, Inc. so that he could use our software. Furthermore, the software in this TARDIS expressly forbids the possibility of a soul selling contract!"
"Shit." said Satan as he vanished in a puff of smoke.
"Woo hoo! Does that mean I can go home now?" said Mark Mk 1.
"Of course it does!" Said Bill Gates, "now if I can just figure out how to dial this TARDIS, I'll get you back to your wife!"
Stay Tuned for more episodes of The Fantabulous Adventures of Mark and Bill!
