Holidays on Ice
by David Sedaris
There are 6 parts to Holidays on Ice
The Santa Land Diaries (realaudio) :A full 30-minute audio version
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Quotes:• Page 1 - "During the brief interview I was asked why I wanted to work for UPS and I answered that I wanted to work for UPS because I like the brown uniforms."
• Page 13 - "I was at the Magic Window for fifteen minutes before a man approached me and said, 'You look so fucking stupid.' I have to admit that he had a point. But still, I wanted to say that at least I get paid to look stupid, that he gives it away for free. But I can't say things like that because I'm supposed to be merry."
• Page 28 - "The woman grabbed my arm and said, 'You there, Elf, tell Riley here that if he doesn't start behaving immediately, then Santa's going to change his mind and bring him coal for Christmas.' I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you're bad he comes to your house and steals things."
• Page 33 - "We were packed today, absolutely packed, and everyone was cranky. Once the line gets long we break it up into four different lines because anyone in their right mind would leave if the knew it would take over two hours to see Santa. Two hours - you could see a movie in two hours. Standing in a two hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation. People stand in line for two hours and they go over the edge. I was sent into the hallway to direct the second phase of the line. The hallway was packed with people, and all of them seemed to stop me with a question: which way to the down escalator, which way to the elevator, the Patio Restaurant, gift wrap, the women's rest room, Trim-A-Tree. There was a line for Santa and a line for the women's bathroom, and one woman, after asking me a dozen questions already asked, "Which is the line for the women's bathroom?" I shouted that I thought it was the line with all the women in it.
She said, "I'm going to have you fired."
I had two people say that to me today, "I'm going to have you fired." Go ahead, be my guest. I'm wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn't get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are?
"I'm going to have you fired!" And I wanted to lean over and say, "I'm going to have you killed."
• Page 74 - "It was my dream to create and star in a program called 'Socrates and Company,' in which I would travel from place to place accompanied by a brilliant and loyal proboscis monkey. Socrates and I wouldn't go looking for trouble, but week after week it would manage to find us. 'The eyes, Socrates, go for the eyes,' I'd yell during one of our many fight scenes."
Further Discussion:• Does Sedaris get away with the sickening ending of "Season's Greetings to Our Friends and Family!!!"?
• Ever worked as an elf?
Recommended:Santaland Diaries & Seasons Greetings: 2 Plays
Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays by David Sedaris
Naked by David Sedaris
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