a screenplay.
I actually wrote this a few months ago (posted in my forum) when these chips came out, but since I’m still short on time these days, I figured repurposed content is better than no content, so enjoy. One warning is that there is lots of profanity in the below…
1. INT. FRITO LAY BOARD ROOM – EVENING
A dozen men and women dressed in business attire sit around a table. Several appear to be ANGRY. Baskets of various chips and snacks are scattered throughout the table. Frito Lay executives are questioning our hero, Burt Dorito.
FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: What the fuck!? This is the worst fucking chip I’ve ever fucking had. Foster! How many of these godforsaken things did we make.
FOSTER: We have somewhere on the order of 1500 tons of it at the warehouse.
FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: FUCK!
FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 2 (in unison): FUCK!
BURT DORITO: They’re not that bad. They taste like hamburgers! With pickles!
FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 2: They’re fucking horrible. They taste like fucking hamburgers. With fucking pickles.
FOSTER: Burt, did you forget that 3 people have just vomited from eating these chips? Christ, I think I’m going to vomit.
BURT DORITO: Stop exaggerating. Those people were already sick. It had nothing to do with the chips.
FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: You better have a fucking plan you fucking twit. This fucking shit is going to fucking ruin us.
BURT DORITO: They’re good, let’s just release them. We can call it the American Classic Burger or something.
FRITO LAY EXECUTIVES 1 and 2 sit in silence while GLARING at BURT DORITO.
MARKETING WEENIE 1: I think I have an idea.
FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: Who the fuck are you?
MARKETING WEENIE 2: He’s our top marketing guy. Whaddaya got Bill?
MARKETING WEENIE 1: Well, I figure our best bet is to market the new flavor in such a way that the customer doesn’t know what they’re buying.
BURT DORITO: What the fuck are you talking about!? How the fuck are you going to do that? People are going to want to know what they’re eating, aren’t they?
MARKETING WEENIE 2: You think people know they’re eating Monosodium Glutamate when they eat Doritos?
MARKETING WEENIE 1: Look, it’s easy. We’ll do a contest or something. We can simply pretend that we don’t know what to name the new flavor, and allow customers to enter by submitting names for the new chip.
FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: I think “Shitburger” will work.
FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 2: Good work Marketing Weenies. Hey asshat, what’s the project number on this atrocity?
BURT DORITO: X-13D
FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: Great, print it.
2. INT. WAWA MARKET – NOON
Several people enter WAWA, looking to get some lunch. The store is CROWDED. Two SCHMUCKS, JANE and MARK, order a sandwhich, grab their ticket and go to get a drink and snack to go with their sandwhich. As they approach the snack isle, they notice something new:
MARK: Whoa, what the fuck is that?
JANE: Looks like a new flavor of Doritos!
MARK: Yeah, but what flavor.
JANE: I dunno. Looks like they want us to name it for them.
MARK: Lazy fuckers.
JANE: Yeah.
MARK: I’m intrigued though. I’m getting it.
JANE: Me too.
3. EXT. WEST CHESTER TOWNSHIP PARK – NOON
Several people sit at a PICNIC TABLE, enjoying their lunch.
MARK: Gross
JANE (in unison): Gross
4. INT. DESK – MIDNIGHT
MARK: I’m sure I’m giving these Frito Lay people way too much credit.
Yeah, so don’t get those X-13D Doritos. Unless you like the idea of a Dorito that tastes like a hamburger (with pickles). While I’m at it, let’s use their marketing website against them:
Hehe.