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    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2007

    by tallman


    A dozen men and women dressed in business attire sit around a table. Several appear to be ANGRY. Baskets of various chips and snacks are scattered throughout the table. Frito Lay executives are questioning our hero, Burt Dorito.

    FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: What the fuck!? This is the worst fucking chip I've ever fucking had. Foster! How many of these godforsaken things did we make.

    FOSTER: We have somewhere on the order of 1500 tons of it at the warehouse.


    FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 2 (in unison): FUCK!

    BURT DORITO: They're not that bad. They taste like hamburgers! With pickles!

    FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 2: They're fucking horrible. They taste like fucking hamburgers. With fucking pickles.

    FOSTER: Burt, did you forget that 3 people have just vomited from eating these chips? Christ, I think I'm going to vomit.

    BURT DORITO: Stop exaggerating. Those people were already sick. It had nothing to do with the chips.

    FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: You better have a fucking plan you fucking twit. This fucking shit is going to fucking ruin us.

    BURT DORITO: They're good, let's just release them. We can call it the American Classic Burger or something.

    FRITO LAY EXECUTIVES 1 and 2 sit in silence while GLARING at BURT DORITO.

    MARKETING WEENIE 1: I think I have an idea.

    FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: Who the fuck are you?

    MARKETING WEENIE 2: He's our top marketing guy. Whaddaya got Bill?

    MARKETING WEENIE 1: Well, I figure our best bet is to market the new flavor in such a way that the customer doesn't know what they're buying.

    BURT DORITO: What the fuck are you talking about!? How the fuck are you going to do that? People are going to want to know what they're eating, aren't they?

    MARKETING WEENIE 2: You think people know they're eating Monosodium Glutamate when they eat Doritos?

    MARKETING WEENIE 1: Look, it's easy. We'll do a contest or something. We can simply pretend that we don't know what to name the new flavor, and allow customers to enter by submitting names for the new chip.

    FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: I think "Shitburger" will work.

    FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 2: Good work Marketing Weenies. Hey asshat, what's the project number on this atrocity?


    FRITO LAY EXECUTIVE 1: Great, print it.


    Several people enter WAWA, looking to get some lunch. The store is CROWDED. Two SCHMUCKS, JANE DOE and TALLMAN, order a sandwhich, grab their ticket and go to get a drink and snack to go with their sandwhich. As they approach the snack isle, they notice something new:

    TALLMAN: Whoa, what the fuck is that?

    JANE DOE: Looks like a new flavor of Doritos!

    TALLMAN: Yeah, but what flavor.

    JANE DOE: I dunno. Looks like they want us to name it for them.

    TALLMAN: Lazy fuckers.

    JANE DOE: Yeah.

    TALLMAN: I'm intrigued though. I'm getting it.

    JANE DOE: Me too.


    Several people sit at a PICNIC TABLE, enjoying their lunch.

    TALLMAN: Gross

    JANE DOE (in unison): Gross


    TALLMAN: I'm sure I'm giving these Frito Lay people way too much credit.


    Yeah, so don't get those X-13D Doritos. Unless you like the idea of a Dorito that tastes like a hamburger (with pickles).

    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2007

    Ho man, nothing like using their own website against them:P


    • CommentTimeMay 26th 2007 edited

    From their website:
    "Flavor experiment"
    "bold, new, mysterious flavor"
    ....I'm sure these are the same thoughts that run through my kitties' heads as they lick random stuff off the floor.

    I did the Clue Generator thing, and it spit out a picture of french fries:

    Methinks you are not too far off with your guess, tallman.

    I hate these types of gimmicks. But the only chips I eat are El Milagro tortilla chips, so what do I care?
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2007
    Oh my god that was hilarious. A couple friends of friends I was hanging out with yesterday were just going off about how disgusting these things are. Specifically one of them said "you know how you'll finish a McDonald's cheeseburger, even though it tastes like shit? Well you'll finish these too, even though they taste like shit."
    • CommentAuthorSamael
    • CommentTimeJun 3rd 2007
    Damnit. It's been downhill with them since they got rid of Jumpin' Jack Cheese Dorritos.

    Fuck them and they're nasty Guac Dorritos, stupid White Cheddar Dorritos, gross Buffalo Ranch Dorritos... do I need to go on?

    Cheeseburger PIckles? Ugh.
    • CommentTimeJun 3rd 2007
    A while ago, they made these Taco Bell chips that were actually kinda decent, but they don't make them anymore and I can't say as though I'm all that upset about it. Nothing really beats the original. I don't know why all these companies think they need to constantly invent new flavors. Half the flavors don't even sound ok, let alone taste ok. Bleh.